QUESTION: - Do you have any last minute advice as we approach 2008?

When asked how she would most want to be a certain female author simply replied: -

"...As someone who did the best she could with the talents she had."

As we approach a New Year, which will be undoubtedly full of challenges, fun, sorrow, successes and failures - in varying degrees, it is useful to consider how it is possible to progress towards one's dreams - just as that young author did.

In August 1996, the author in question was a single parent living in Edinburgh who had been trying to write a book for the previous 6 years, and who had been turned down by publisher after publisher.

In 2007, after a few flicks of his magic wand, Harry Potter has turned this author - J.K. Rowling into a billionaire (estimated to be worth $1 billion), one of only five self-made female billionaires, and the first billion-dollar author. Not too bad for 10 years work.

And so if we all try to do the best we can with whatever talents we have, who knows what might be the result!

QUESTION: - Is it true that life tends to be symmetrical?

Yes, and here is the scientific(?) proof showing how one's view of success is perfectly symmetrical: -

• At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
• At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
• At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
• At age 35 success is . . . having money.
• At age 50 success is . . . having money.
• At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
• At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
• At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

So even if you're aged 4 or 80 you're quite likely to have something in common . . . unless your successful!

QUESTION: - What have we learnt in 2007? - Part 3

Our third and last in this series - from the perspective of the old and wrinklies...

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

QUESTION: - What have we learnt in 2007? - Part 2

In this 2nd of three answers, we view what adults have learnt in 2007: -

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

QUESTION: - What have we learnt in 2007? - Part 1

This very much depends upon who you are, and how old you are.



In this first of 3 "lessons from life" or "life lessons" we view some of the great truths that little children have learnt in 2007: -

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Granddad's lap.

QUESTION: - What gifts were given during the 12 days of Christmas?

The following trail of correspondence highlights the gifts and how they were responded to: -

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving Emily.

Dec. 26

Beloved Edward,

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always, Emily.

Dec. 27

My darling Edward,

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.

Your devoted Emily.

Dec. 28

Dearest Edward,

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily.

Dec. 29

Dearest Edward,

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present!
Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,
Emily.

Dec. 30

Dear Edward,

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds.
We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?

Love, Emily.

Dec. 31

Edward,

I am quite sure I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no fewer than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily.

Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their
cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very
amusing.

Emily.

Jan. 2

See here, Edward. This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless hussies cavorting round the green, and its Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (though less and less), kindly
stop this ridiculous behaviour at once!

Emily.

Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.

Emily.

Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan. 5

Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the London Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
J Frost Solicitor.

QUESTION: - How can we make Christmas more inclusive?

In this season of Goodwill, we must try not to forget all those who are less fortunate than ourselves. In this vein the following "all inclusive" carols are included for those amongst us who may have psychiatric problems.
The list - entitled Christmas Carols for the Mentally Disturbed - describes psychiatric conditions and appropriate songs to suit the illness.
For multiple personality disorder there is We Three Kings Disorientated Are; paranoia is coupled with Santa Claus Is Coming To Town To Get Me; narcissism - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me.

The full list is as follows: -

QUESTION: - How big, is big?

With thanks to my South African correspondent for the following amazing perspective on the relative size (rather than the size of our relatives) of Earth and our planetary cousins. The first image shows that in a straight fight with either Venus, Mars, Mercury or Pluto, Earth would be a clear winner: -


However, if any of the other planets look as though they may want to join in, the following image shows that it would be wise for Earth to either throw in the figurative "planetary towel", or prepare for one hell of a beating: -

Clearly if our solar system were ever to ask "does my Uranus look big in this? (Apologies for school-boy humour!) The answer would clearly be no! However, before Jupiter starts to get too full of itself, or too big for its "planetary boots", the following image should do the trick: -


But it doesn't end here. As big as our sun is it is only a mere dot when compared with the brightest stars in the sky: -




On this scale our Sun hardly registers, and yet these are only objects within our Solar System. There are many millions of Galaxies beyond ours and so when somebody asks whether "size matters?", it might be worth trying to put their question into some context. Or, if you think that your faced with a "big" problem, how big can it really be?

QUESTION: - Are mothers always right?

Clearly the answer to this is yes.

Below is a repeat of my blog from 20 December 2006 (Diary of a troubled mind - Part 1) which demonstrates this fact: -

"...Whilst the old brain cells don't seem to function quite as well as they used too, I still seem able to recall events from when I was just a lad!

One such memory is from 1971. For some strange reason I was shopping with my parents in Bridport, Dorset, (if you've ever been to Bridport you'll understand this comment & I'll bet real money that you didn't stop there longer than was necessary to realise your mistake in stopping in the first place!) when we wandered into a Bicycle shop called 'Revolutions'. It was there that I spotted the bike of my dreams - a brand "spanking" new, 'drop-handlebar', 10-speed, racing bike!

If only I could have this bike now, I would stop having to ride the one that I'd had since I was 6 years old, and which by that time (I was now 10) was too small for me to actually pedal, and so was only any use as a small seat on wheels, if, for example, I ever wanted to go down (but not up) a hill fast.

However, the new bike in question was rather expensive, and so I was told that I could have it for Christmas, but that it would need saving up for! Now, I can't recall whether it was me or my parents who needed to save up for it, but at that time I didn't care...because very soon I would be having THAT bike.

Now when I say very soon, it was not actually that soon, as it was only FEBRUARY, and Christmas was still 10 months away!

Anyway, wait I did, and when Christmas eventually arrived I was finally able to unwrap the present that I had waited (as far as I can remember) so patiently for.

After waiting so long for this 10-gear, machine of speed, I couldn't wait to get it out on the road to try it. As I set off my dear old mum, stood on the doorstep and waved me goodbye and with a smile said....

"...If I see you going fast on that bike it'll go straight back to the shop!"

Now the following video will clearly demonstrate the wisdom of her words: -

QUESTION: - Has Jordan moved to Midsomer?

Today we discovered the sad news that 'Jordan' - that being the erm model and...self publicist Katie Price (rather than the country or F1 motor racing team) has had an accident resulting possibly in two broken legs.

Now, it is known to my nearest and dearest that I am not the greatest fan of the English TV series 'Midsomer Murders', in which nearly every resident- apart from Barnaby the police detective, played by John Nettles - has been murdered at least once in the past 10 years.

Despite the constant string of murders to be solved DCI Barnaby's powers of deduction do not appear to have improved over the years, and unless either a bullet ridden body is found together with a person holding a smoking gun stood over it; or a body with multiple stab wounds is found with the blood stained attacker desperately attempting to retrieve his/her knife from one of several wounds, Barnaby is usually pretty baffled as to whodunit!

And so back to Jordan...and a case that even Barnaby should be able to solve.

The report read: -

"...JORDAN IN HOSPITAL AFTER FALL - Jordan landed herself in hospital after falling down a flight of stairs. The glamour model feared she had broken both legs after the tumble..."

(Excuse my cynicism but I bet her legs are NOT broken!)

Now there are two additional clues for DCI Barnaby: -

1. The 29-year-old, is waiting for a breast reduction, and therefore may still be a little top heavy, and


2. Husband Peter Andre, (note he wasn't referred to as husband and singer Peter Andre, presumably for fear of libel) was with her at the time.

So Barnaby, what could possibly have happened?

Picture the scene....a somewhat top heavy model, standing at the top of a flight of stairs, next to publicity-seeking, (allegedly) failed singer & husband - shortly before she topples forward and takes the "quick way down".

What o could possibly have happened?

QUESTION: - Has the Queen ever had any awards bestowed on her?

In fact yes - today!!

The queen today won an international award...for breathing!!

The Queen has reached a new milestone as she overtook Queen Victoria to become the oldest British monarch.

Her great-great grandmother, who was born on 24 May 1819, lived for 81 years, seven months and 29 days.

At 1700 GMT, the Queen beat the record, which was calculated after taking into account the times of their births and Victoria's death.

But the day was business as usual for the Queen, as there was no special event to mark the occasion.
The monarch, who was born on 21 April 1926, spent the day on her normal duties and had no public engagements or audiences.

The Queen will celebrate 60 years on the throne in 2012, and break Queen Victoria's record as the longest-reigning British monarch on 9 September 2015.

During her reign, the Queen's achievements have already included being the first British monarch to send an e-mail, to have a message put on the moon and to hold a public concert in her back garden.

QUESTION: - Is everybody in the Christmas spirit yet?

Possibly not! The following article appeared in this evening's London Evening Standard newspaper.

"...A British Airways steward based at Heathrow has been suspended on suspicion of theft after reportedly eating a muffin left on a passenger's meal tray. A BA worker today accused the airline of "acting like a police state". BA confirmed a cabin crew member was suspended but denied the muffin claim. A spokesman said: - "It is half-baked to suggest we are suspending someone over a muffin".

This statement gives rise to a number of further questions: -

1. Was it the "suggestion" or the "muffin" that was half baked?
2. If the muffin was half-baked has the chef responsible for the meals also been subjected to disciplinary action?
3. Is the fact that the steward may have been suspended over a muffin, a humane act in today's society?

It appears as though the steward may have a particular penchant (presumably French for shouting "pen" at the top of your voice?) for muffins, and so to suspend him over a muffin - presumably by a rope - is somewhat barbaric. We complain when Saudi Arabia, behead or stone citizens for minor misdemeanours, but this really takes the biscuit!!

CORRECTION: - BA have advised us that it was not they who "took the biscuit", but that they do have some suspicions with regards to the co-pilot!

QUESTION: - What is Myrrh?

It is surprising, in the relatively affluent times which preceded the current credit "crunch", "squeeze" or "downturn" (or however one wants to describe the current situation), that good old myrrh wasn't more sought after. Or so I thought.

This view was based on my incorrect assumption that if myrrh was a present given by one of the three kings of the Orient (Ahhh), then it must be valuable.

However, whilst I find this somewhat difficult to say, I was wrong!

It turns out that Myrrh and Frankincense are actually not precious stones or jewels - but herbs!

The modern-day equivalent of the aforementioned biblical event would be akin (OK maybe not "akin" if you're in any way religious -albeit presumably Wills will still be head of the Church of Multi Racial England by the time he is King) to King William & Queen Kate's first born being presented to three of the world's remaining Kings or Presidents.

In this parallel event the first King would no doubt bring a gift of something suitably expensive - e.g. gold, diamonds or a bedsit in Clapham - whereas the other two Kings, having forgotten to buy a present, stop off at the local Tesco Express and buy two pot plants for £4.99!!

QUESTION: - Does Alistair Darling make a complete "Pratchett" of everything?

The aforementioned - "they" - say that "life" often imitates art, and so it appears to be the case with our dear (that is "dear" as in relation to the strain on the public purse) Alistair "Badger" Darling - the soon to be ex-Chancellor.

In 2007, departments in which he has responsibility for have so far lost two "discs" containing details of 25 million child benefit claimants; and we now learn that personal details of more than 3 million learner drivers have been lost in the latest blunder to Gordon Brown's Government.

If much more data is "Lost" none of us will know who we really are, and will spend the rest of our lives wandering around this strange island trying to find out what really is the truth. Those who have obtained the data, will have the ultimate power - but thankfully, at least it appears as though that should exclude the current government, who seem to know nothing and remember little.

And so, whether the UK turns into a giant "reality" series of"Lost", or whether Darling's period in office is more akin to Terry Pratchett's Discworld is yet to be seen.

Discworld is a comedic fantasy book series by the British author Terry Pratchett set on the Discworld, a flat world balanced on the backs of four elephants which are in turn standing on the back of a giant turtle.

Pratchett has also freely admitted to borrowing ideas from J. R. R. Tolkien and William Shakespeare, as well as myth, folklore and fairy tales, often using them for satirical parallels with current cultural, technological and scientific issues.

Darling has less than freely admitted to borrowing ideas from D. Cameron and George Osborne, as well as creating excuses based on myth, folklore and fairy tales, which have been identified by the press as satirical parallels with current cultural, economic and political issues.

In a sadder twist of the life mirroring art mirroring life (etc etc) theme,Terry Pratchett has very recently been diagnosed as suffering with dementia!!!

QUESTION: - How can we eradicate double standards in modern life?

Chelsea lost 1-0 to Arsenal at the Emirates on Sunday, with former Gunner Ashley Cole the subject of booing and abusive chanting throughout the game.
But the Blues defender could now be in trouble with the FA after he was seen making a gesture at home fans after the final whistle.

However, it appears as though David Cameron has managed to (allegedly) make a similar gesture to the Labour Party front bench, without anyone taking issue with him...

QUESTION: - How long is the "season of goodwill"?

Apparently, scientists (don't you just love 'em) have "scientifically proved" that the Christmas bonhomie is unlikely to last much beyond Boxing Day.

Helpfully, they have even created a formula to show when the season of goodwill will break down.

The formula: - ((D x A) + I + J + T)/S

Where: -
D = drift factor, where lack of planning leads to flared tempers;
A = the strain of putting on a diplomatic act;
I = inappropriate or unwanted gifts;
J = the journey undertaken to relatives;
T = the passing of time with another year gone by, and
S = shared tasks such as washing up with the knowledge that guests are not helping much.

What would we do if we weren't able to benefit from the knowledge and insight of such educated luminaries?

How grateful we should be that, when faced with the potential problems that they could be solving - like global warming, or finding a cure for cancer - they have put aside the possibility of international acclaim, by helping you and me identify that by December27th we'll all have had too much of each other and will be filing for divorce in big numbers on January 7th!

Now, whilst I am not a scientist (and in fact the nearest I ever came to a scientific episode was at the age of about 11 when two brother who lived next door to us involved me in an experiment which nearly resulted in their garage being blown up!) I have developed my own "scientific formula".

This is: (J x Y x P x F)/A = V

Where: -

J = number of proper jobs they've managed to hold down for more than 6 months
Y = years NOT spent living with mother
P = the number of parties they have been invited to in their entire life
F = the number of people that would refer to them as a "friend"
A = the number of articles they've had published in scientific journals
V = the value of what they say/write

Given that it is quite difficult for most of these experts to score above zero, any score above 5, possibly puts them in the running for a Nobel prize.

However, if that is their true goal they could always: -

1. buy a video camera,
2. fail in their attempt to become President of the United States (which is quite easy to do), and
3. run around saying "...the world is getting hotter!!!".

QUESTION: - Have the world's leaders ever appeared in pantomime?

Whilst never actually appearing in pantomime, well at least not at the same time, they have recently put together a short festive dance routine in an attempt to demonstrate greater togetherness.

George W. Bush, Gordon Brown, Vladimir Putin & Angela Merkel - or to put it another way, the world's three most powerful men...and Gordon Brown - got together recently in Lapland, and were put through their festive paces by Len (Seven!) Goodman & Arlene Phillips.

The result can be seen by clicking on the link below - believe me it is worth the wait!!!

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1445926106

QUESTION: - Will the new EU Treaty aide co-operation & communication across Europe?

Whilst one would certainly hope so, given the fact that Gordon turned up late for the party (and he can't even claim to be "fashionable"), the co-operation of our EU neighbours may be more "virtual" than "reality" as this video demonstrates: -

QUESTION - Can you define irony?- No 2

The woman known as "the voice of the Tube" on London's underground has been sacked after criticising the network and making spoof announcements including making fun of US tourists, officials said Monday.

Emma Clarke has for the last eight years been famous as the voice warning travellers to "Mind the Gap" between the train and the platform, and to "stand clear of the closing doors."

But the 36-year-old, a professional voice-over artist, annoyed her employers with a series of light-hearted spoof announcements posted on her own website, at

www.emmaclarke.com.

In one she says: "We would like to remind our American tourist friends that you are almost certainly talking too loudly."

In another she announces that the passenger pretending to read a paper but actually staring at a woman's chest should stop, since he was "not fooling anyone, you filthy pervert".

IRONICALLY, Clarke's website had planned to start advertising the latest Apple musical gadget, the iBoob (see below) until she saw the potential criticism that she might face...

QUESTION- Can you define irony?

Whilst some have described this as "...a bit metallic, like coppery or silvery" the following, (almost 100% true story) is a better example.

A small digital camera developed by Microsoft Research, in Cambridge, U.K., could boost (or should that be could have boosted) memory in people with dementia. The camera takes wide-angle, low-resolution photographs every 30seconds. The photos can be collapsed into a movie that patients can later review to jolt their memory.

Tests had already significantly increased the "recall" of dementia sufferers. Unfortunately, due to the fact the NHS were considering giving away these cameras to known dementia sufferers, they sent the only prototype to HRMC in an attempt to prove that it was a medical aide, rather than a piece of photographic equipment, and thereby qualify for tax-free status and so ensuring that there would be no tax liability for the elderly recipient.

Regretably, the recent forgetfulness (not to mention, although I am just about to, carelessness) of the HRMC was not considered by Microsoft Research. True to form, the prototype camera has been mislaid by HMRC, who have claimed that they can't remember receiving it, or if they did, who they returned it to....if they did.

In fact, having discovered that they have very little ability to recall anything, they have commissioned a research company to see if they can develop a small digital camera that their officer could use to take wide-angle, low-resolution photographs - say every 30 seconds - where the photos could be collapsed into a movie that they could later review to jolt their memory.

Considering that this is such a simple idea, they said that it was surprising that nobody else had thought of it!!!

QUESTION: - Are schools better at teaching Maths than English?

Recent reports would suggest not, and some children may even be going backwards!

Academics from Manchester University (but what do they know?) said there were "short-term" increases in children's maths skills as they took national tests at the end of primary school but many regressed after the exam. Many a teacher will have witnessed similar regression on a daily basis, with many such children regressing to some primeval being, incapable of social skills let alone mathematical or (understandable) language skills!

The experts claimed that almost one in four 11-year-olds failed to reach the standards expected of them in maths this year, whilst the remaining 65% only just scraped by.

Fifteen-year-olds were ranked 24th in the world in the study by the OECD - below the international average.
Manchester researchers devised independent maths tests to measure the performance of 12,591 pupils aged between five and 14. The experts stated that this 12-year period was critical to the development of the children concerned.

Earlier this year, the Tories compared recent results gained at the age of 11 with those gained at age 14.

They found that almost 150,000 pupils made no progress in science, while 85,000 failed to improve their grades in English and 30,000 in maths. David Cameron allegedly stated that this added up to 2.65 million children who were failing to reach their potential, although he later added that he may have got the decimal point in the wrong place, and that the batteries in the Tory party's calculator may need replacing.

They (whoever they are!) said that the problem was due to the number of mixed ability classes in secondary schools.

The Department for Children, Schools and Families described the study as a "small sample", insisting that "independently audited national tests" taken by 600,000 pupils every year showed clear improvement in the 15 years since record began in1997.

QUESTION: - How safe is Tooting Common?

As far as I was aware Tooting Common is no more or less dangerous than any other large open space in the centre of London, but I didn't particularly think that it was the scene of frequent murders or serious crimes. But on my way home on the train this evening I overheard two youngish girls (possibly of Essex extraction) eloquently discussing their days activities. Part of the conversation which I overheard, gave me great cause for concern, and went something like this: -

Tracie 1 - "...Where'uv you bin then?"

Tracie 2 -"...To that Tootin' Common thing in London"

Tracie 1 - "...What woz it like?"

Tracie 2 - "...it woz OK, but I fought they woz gonna show uz an old dead body, but they didn't..."

At this point I was considering either phoning the police or social services, until Tracie 2 added: -

"...but the old golden coffins from Egypt were actually well bad (which apparently means good!)"

It wasn't some crime scene on Tooting Common...

...it was the Tutankhamen exhibition at the O2!!

QUESTION: - What is the definition of "canoodling"?

canoodle -verb
intr
canoodled, canoodling
1. colloq
To hug and kiss; to cuddle

The above definition is the one that, until 1 December 2007, was generally accepted. However, there is now a new definition.

To "canoedle", in the case of the infamous John Darwin, now means: -

"...to head out to sea in a canoe, disappear from sight, go missing
for 5 years, during which time you are declared dead by the Coroner, thereby
allowing your apparently distraught wife to claim on your life insurance and
accept £70k 'death in service' monies from your employer, allowing her to
establish a new life in Panama."

However, this version of canoedling, appears to have been undone when a photo came into the public domain, ironically showing Mr Darwin as not being dead at all, but actually "canoodling" with his wife in her new flat in Panama. His assertion to the police a few days prior to the photo being discovered, was that he had lost his memory and couldn't account for the last 5 years of his life.

Well I think he may find the next 5 years a little easier to account for - inside Her Majesty's prison, following a conviction for fraud!

QUESTION: - How are the LibDem leadership candidates shaping up?

The recent requirement for yet another leadership election within the Lib Dem party has recently looked more like a whimsical comedy with a penchant for light philosophy and full-on slapstick, and we are left to follow the adventures/misadventures of three erstwhile friends (of varying ages, albeit that their sum total is still less than the party's previous leader) tramping around the Westminster countryside - in the style of "Last of the Summer Wine"

These characters; Chris "Foggy" Huhn, Vince "Compo" Cable and Nick "Clegg" Clegg (repeated for consistency, and in the manner of New York, New York so average I've named him twice!!) wreak havoc, or if not havoc, mild mayhem on those around them.

In one recent episode Compo, made a joke at Gordon “Norah Batty” Brown's expense, quipping that he'd undergone a "remarkable transformation in the last few weeks from Stalin to Mr Bean, creating chaos out of order rather than order out of chaos".

”Batty” Brown’s friends seem to have taken great offence at their friend and leader being likened to the character personified by an award winning comedian, whereas they do NOT appear to have been offended by the reference to him being likened to Stalin.

Now unless my recollection of history has mixed Stalin up with Cliff Richard or Nelson Mandela, I had always thought that Stalin was supposed to be one of the most powerful and murderous dictators in history, and that his regime of terror caused the death and suffering of tens of millions.

Ahhh.....

QUESTION: - Were today's election results in Russia "safe"

After his success in the Lord of the Rings - President (Golum) Putin's United Russia party won over 70 per cent of the seats in the State Duma. However, observers said the election was characterised by intimidation and numerous violations and the West united to condemn the conduct of the poll.

The Foreign Office called on the Kremlin to investigate electoral regularities while the German government took the unprecedented step of declaring that Russia was "not a democracy".

"These were not free and fair elections, they were not democratic elections," government spokesman Thomas Steg told reporters.

"Russia was no democracy and is no democracy."

Despite the international storm that it is likely to cause, analysts say that there are growing signs Mr Putin could defy the West - who he recently told to keep "its snotty noses" out of Russian affairs - by running for a third term.

However, I believe that the electoral inadequacies of which the West have complained have - as is often the case - an innocent explanation.

The rules within the Russian "polling" stations are somewhat different to in the west.

Rather than completing a ballot form by placing a "X" against their candidate of choice, voters are simply required to place their ballot form in a ballot box of which there is one for each candidate.

As voters enter the polling station, government officials advise them to go into a private room, and to follow the instructions on the first ballot box that they come to.

History dictates that the positioning of the boxes must follow a set convention, with the presiding President's box being the first in line.

With ballot papers in hand, the Russian voters proceed into the room and come to the first box, and follow the instructions on the first box - "Put in".

The rest as they say is history!!

QUESTION: - Is the current economic downturn likely to have consequences for traditional seasonal festivities?

The following announcement has been made as a result of the recent sub-prime catastrophes in the US and the knock-on consequences for economies across the world.

The recent announcement that Donner and Blittzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business.

Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavourable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse.

Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.

Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

• The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
• The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
• The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;
• The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
• The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of Treasury and high technology stocks appears to be in order;
• The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
• The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
• As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EU and the EOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
• Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
• Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work MPs. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we can hope for an oversupply of unemployed MPs this year;
• Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching approvals over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the lawyers' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), the action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

QUESTION: - How does the government plan to address falling reading standards?

As today is the 1st December & therefore only 113 days to Easter, no doubt schools around the country will be starting to rehearse appropriate festivities.

However, given recent events and the fear of upsetting anyone on grounds of race, religion, sex, sexuality, colour, fashion sense, intelligence etc, these "festivities" may be even more difficult than in previous years.

It is not as if life in schools is not difficult enough; A recent survey identified that Britain has tumbled down another world league table for education - this time in science.

In six years, the UK has slumped from fourth to 14th place in a table of 15-year-olds' performance in science tests.

British schools now trail major European countries such as Germany and the Netherlands as well as smaller nations such as Estonia and Liechtenstein.

It is the second slide down an international league table in as many days and piles further pressure on Gordon Brown over Labour's multi-billion pound education reforms.

A separate report on 10-year-olds' reading standards - published yesterday - saw England fall from third to 19th place.

However, Gordon Brown has at least identified a solution to the latest problem to beset his party. Apparently - and this is reported as being true - (No really it is!!) Dolly Parton will fly into Rotherham this week to launch a scheme to improve children's literacy. The American country singer set up the Imagination Library in east Tennessee and council chiefs want to introduce the scheme to South Yorkshire.

Now I may be wrong but, in 10 years time will the government of the day be trying to fight high levels of marriage breakdowns with a new government initiative?

The ONLY song that I can remember Dolly Parton being famous for is: -

D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

QUESTION: - Is there any point complaining to large companies about their goods and services?

Much depends upon the company and the nature of the complaint.

Following my response to the question on 25 November I wrote to Marks & Spencer Customer Service Dept, as follows: -

Dear Sir /Madam,

I write to raise a concern (from a potential Health & Safety angle) with regards to one of your products.

I recently purchased a pair of men's slippers with memory foam, from my local store having been tempted by the description on your website -

"These slippers are made of deep, heat-sensitive memory foam, the inners soles mould
perfectly around every contour of your feet, and "remember" the exact shape of your feet, every time that you put them on."

My concern relates to the "memory" element of the foam. It appears that another (apparently somewhat disfigured) customer had already tried on the slippers in the store, and had chosen not to buy them.

However, the slippers "remembered" the contours of this person's feet.

It appears as though the individual had only three toes on one foot and four on the other, and walked with a pronounced limp, which I now replicate every time I put the slippers on at home, looking somewhat like John Cleese in the Ministry of Funny Walks sketch.

Please could you consider attaching a health warning to this product to inform other customers of the potential dangers.

I look forward to you reply."

With amazing speed, the M&S Customer Service Dept. responded thus: -

" Dear "Psychiatrist's Chair" ,

Thanks for your email.

We take any Health and Safety issues very seriously and we will look into this further. Please return the slippers to the store you bought them from and we will be happy to exchange for a new, Hopefully unused pair.

I am very sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you. If you have any further questions please feel free to contact us by email or call on 0845 609 0200.

Kind Regards"

Expect to see Health Safety notices all over M&S slipper departments across the land, any time soon!!!!

QUESTION: - Why has the case of the teddy bear and the "M" word caused so much controversy?

Clearly, given the potentially (albeit not actual) global reach of this blog, and the fact that people of all faiths, creeds and nationalities may choose to refer to it both for direction and solace (although certainly not for a few laughs) on a regular basis, I always try to ensure that in answering questions I do not inadvertently cause offence. Hence why I have not used the "M" word in full, when detailing the question above.

The "M" word in question causes strong reactions from people of different faiths, quite literally causing hatred within some faiths, whilst clearly to others it is a source of love.

Yet the combination of a child's bear with the "M" word has caused controversy and chaos across the world.

The bear in question is of course, Paddington Bear who has broken the habit of a lifetime, swapping his trademark marmalade sandwich for Marmite in a TV ad campaign.

In the commercial, Paddington - who for the past 49 years has kept an "emergency" marmalade sandwich to hand - decides that he "ought to try something different".

Settling on Marmite and cheese, which he finds "really rather good", Paddington proceeds to feed a piece of the sandwich to a bird that lands nearby.

Playing on Marmite's advertising catchline of "You either love it or hate it", the bird hates the taste and flies off, triggering a chain reaction that sees a taxi crash into a shop and a watermelon catapulted to hit a policeman.

As I said, controversy and chaos across the world!!!!

QUESTION: - Did George W Bush really use the "F" word when referring to the Queen?

Given the number of gaffes and blunders made by George Dubblya over the years, this fact is probably not that surprising, but it is true, the "F" word was inappropriately (if there is EVER an appropriate use) used on the Queen's most recent visit to the US.

When I say recent - it implies that she is a "frequent visitor", and I suppose that it would be more grammatically correct to say that she was a "regular" rather than "frequent" visitor. She went to the US at least twice in the 20th century and she has already gone once in the 21st! No doubt, if she were to live long enough I'm sure that she'd even go back in the 22nd century.

(Clearly the use of "regular", is similar to me referring to myself as "regular" visitor to the gym...given that I went, albeit only once, in 2004, 2005, 2006 etc).

Anyway, back to the question.

Whilst we know that Dubblya stated that the Queen had “... dined with 10 US presidents..." and "...helped the US nation celebrate its bicentennial in 17 - 1976.”, very nearly implying that she was 200+ years old, many may have missed the use of the "F" word.

This occurred when he referred to Madge (as those of us close to her like to call her) as "feisty"!

The accepted definition of feisty being "...irritable and looking for trouble".

All I can say is that she went to the right place!

QUESTION: - Is there an internationally recognised test for dementia?

I am pleased to say that there is, and I have included the questions & answers below, for those of you who are below the age of 70, so that you can test your nearest and deafest (sorry) dearest!

If you are over 70, remember (I realise that this is already a difficult concept to grasp) that exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

OK, relax, breathe deeply, clear your mind and begin.

Q1. What do you put in a toaster?

A1. "Bread."

If they said "toast," tell them to give up now and do something else, but remove any sharp objects from the vicinity so that they don't hurt themselves. If they said, bread, go to Question 2.

Q2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

A2. Cows drink water.

If they said "milk," don't let them attempt the next question. Their brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Let them content themselves with reading more appropriate literature such as a 1963 copy of Readers Digest. However, if they said "water", let them proceed to question 3.

Q3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

A3. Greenhouses are made from glass.

If they said "green bricks," why the hell are you still letting them humiliate themselves??? If they said "glass," go on to Question 4.

Q4. It's twenty years ago, and a jet plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man 's land"?

A4. You don't bury survivors.

If they said ANYTHING else, they're basically a dunce and must stop.

If they said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

Q5. Don't let them use a calculator, and tell them that they are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London 17 people get on the bus;
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on
In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

A5. Oh, for crying out loud! Don't they remember their own name? Tell them "It was YOU!!"

However, don't be too hard on them as 95% of people fail most of the questions

QUESTION: - What is the best form of communication?

One must always ensure that the method of of communication enables the true meaning of the message to be understood.

An example of this was when I was recently told by somebody that "My cat is going to be in Horsham next week...".

Whilst this appeared a little strange, I assumed that it was being taken to the vets. However, it was clear from the following remarks, that this was no ordinary cat, when the person added that it would be "...signing copies of his autobiography!"

In this instance "My cat" turned out to be "Mike Catt", the England rugby international and World Cup winner, thereby demonstrating that sometimes the written word can be easier to understand than the spoken.

A similar situation arose many years ago when a radio presenter announced that "Next week my gas bill will be here", which resulted in a number of calls to the radio station complaining of "unnecessary drivel", necessitating the radio station to explain that the presenter had in fact said that Mike (not unsurprisingly now referred to as Michael) Aspell, would be there the following week.

QUESTION: - Is all new technology advantageous?

Up until this afternoon I would have answered this question with a resounding "Yes". However, not any more.

Being old, and English, and someone who gets occasionally cold feet I decided to buy a pair of slippers in Marks and Spencers. The pair that I chose featured the latest technology "memory foam".

These slippers are made of deep, heat-sensitive memory foam, the inners soles mould perfectly around every contour of your feet, and "remember" the exact shape of your feet, every time that you put them on.

I briefly tried the slippers on just to check that they were the right size, but didn't walk in them as I didn't want to feel too self conscious walking up and down a store in my slippers. This was my big mistake!

On getting the slippers home, and trying them on, it became apparent that the slippers did in fact remember the shape of your feet. Well, actually, when I say "your feet" it could well have been your feet. The memory foam remembers the first person to wear the slippers - i.e. whoever first tried them on in the store!!

Unfortunately, the first person to try on my pair apparently had four toes on his left foot and walked - as I will have to from now on - with a pronounced limp! Every time I wear the slippers I look like John Cleese in the Ministry of Funny Walks sketch!

Next time I'm buying a pair of clogs!

QUESTION: - Should the badger be culled?

T here are two main types of badger. The first is the animal pictured on the left, which belongs to the to the family Mustelidae: the same mammal family as the ferrets and weasels...

...whilst the second is the animal pictured on the right, Alistair "Badger" Darling, who belongs to the family Politicianidae: the same mammal family as the ferrets, and weasels!

In fact the similarity between these badgers is even closer as there are three subfamilies of badger: Melinae, Mellivorinae and Taxideinae, and the badger on the right is clearly a member of the latter, as denying taxes (only later to impose them) seems to be a key element of the role.

In fact denying anything and everything appears to be a fundamental part of his role; Denying responsibility for: -

1. the Northern Rock crisis,
2. the missing HMRC data of 25m taxpayers,
3. the stagnating housing market, AND
4. spreading Tuberculosis to cattle
   

OK maybe point 4 above, may be slightly more associated with the badger on the left but the way Alistair's luck has been going lately it is only a matter of time before he gets blamed for this also.

Anyway back to the question - given that one of the above badgers has been proved to cause devastation to whole communities, he (Alistair "Badger" Darling that is) should definitely be culled, whereas there is no concrete evidence that the cute looking animal on the left causes TB, and should therefore be spared.

As a supplementary answer to those who actually know something about the subject, i.e. that there IS scientific evidence to prove that badgers cause TB in cattle, I would simply say (because most of what I say is simple) that as cattle have been proven to be one of the greatest producers of carbon gases (by their belching!), if badgers are allowed to live, they may actually help to save the planet!

So in summary, the answer to the question is YES and NO. I hope that this has proved helpful.

QUESTION: - What is the link between this blog and Terry Waite?

In January 1987 Terry Waite the church envoy was kidnapped and held captive for almost five years in the Lebanese capital, Beirut.


Upon his release almost 5 years later Waite recounted three things that he kept saying to himself after he had been taken hostage which somehow stood him in good stead.

1. No regrets - you haven't done everything correctly, you're bound to have made mistakes, but stick by what you've done.



2. No self pity - don't begin to feel sorry for yourself, there are loads of people who are in worse situations than yourself.



3. And no over-sentimentality - don't look back and say, "If only I'd spent more time with the family and had longer holidays - life has been lived, you cannot re-live it".
   

These feelings are clearly similar to those that I have recently experienced having just returned from 6 months in Hemel Hempstead.

Whilst I wasn't quite in solitary confinement, (although if you've ever stayed in the Holiday Inn in Hemel, it can be quite similar to war-strewn Beirut in the 1980's), Waite's thoughts were very similar to mine (or should that be, mine were to his?).

Like Waite, I was at times beset with dark thoughts - often having to put my family and friends out of my mind - to dwell on them would have made me unnecessarily depressed - I was always concerned about them. I was all alone - unable to blog, unable to communicate with the world outside of Hemel.


I long remember that day when I became aware of the fact that I would soon be set free. When it did happen it was really rather a low key event. They (the hotel management) simply came into the room and said, "You're going to be released", and threw in some clothes, which were all far too small - I looked ridiculous. How had I put on so much weight staying in a hotel whose food was so poor?

Having been released from Hemel into the real world, I am free to blog again....