Another useful invention - Dragon's Den here I come!

I have mentioned previously (The advantages of flying - 10 November 2006) that whilst flying is clearly a faster mode of travel than some you could mention, published “flight times” can be somewhat misleading.

The scheduled flight time from Sharm el Sheikh to London Gatwick is only 5 hours 25 mins, and yet our total “door-to-door” journey time was almost double at 10 hours!

This non-productive time was made up of the following elements: -

Hotel to Airport - 25 mins
Check in & passport control - 25 mins
Waiting time in Airport - 1 hour 15 mins
Boarding plane - 15 mins
Wait on runway at Sharm el Sheikh - 10 mins
Flight time - 5 hours 20 mins
Unboarding plane - 10 mins
Waiting in baggage reclaim at Gatwick - 1 hour 25 mins!
Collecting car from long stay car park - 15 mins
Car journey home - 25 mins

There appear to be two well defined elements associated to “waiting time” that can make it “feel” as though that time is passing even more slowly than it actually is.

The first is when nothing appears to be happening, and the second is when the waiting occurs in the middle of the night.

Having arrived back at Gatwick bang (more of a bump than a bang actually) on time at 1 o’clock in the morning, the (almost) one and a half wait for our luggage seemed almost twice as long.

After an hour’s wait, a BAA employee decided to undertake an act, which in another situation might have been classed as an act of bravery. In front of 160 tired, and somewhat annoyed passengers he (and this is where the de-FIB-rillator was required) lied!

“…Ladies and gentlemen. For those of you waiting for the baggage from flight XL6091 from Sharm el Sheikh, I must apologise for the delay in this arriving in the baggage reclaim hall. This delay is due to the late arrival of the flight….”

To a man, woman & child (Even the Whistler who had the cheek to travel back on our flight, but the sense to sit 20 rows away, and out of earshot!), the assembled throng shouted “…it wasn’t late!!!” but the fib had been made (and was even repeated about 20 minutes later).

Had we been able to use the de-fib-rillator (which is another instrument that I have invented which is a cross between a medical defibrillator and a polygraph test), which if it can be applied quickly enough can result in the truth being told rather than the pack of lies that in some cases appear to spew from the mouths of certain individuals.

In this case, had the de-fib-rillator been applied in time the above announcement may have been as follows: -

“…Oi, you lot. Due to the fact that there aren’t enough baggage handlers employed at night, ‘cause it costs more due to having to pay them overtime, they can’t deal with more than one plane at a time. In fact the slightly early arrival of your plane co-incided with one of their 8 tea breaks, and we’ll be lucky to get your luggage onto the conveyor belts this side of Easter. Any further complaints regarding these delays will be conveyed to the baggage handlers directly, who will, if possible, then attempt to place your luggage on the next available long-haul flight out of Gatwick, so if I was you, I’d stand still and shut up! At least you’ve had a holiday. Thank you for your patience! "

With apologies to Egypt!

There are many reasons why people travel.

To experience different cultures by visiting far off lands and the treasures they contain, be they archaeological, artistic or natural.

To taste new foods; see different ways of living; to see local people in their local environment.

This is what holidays and travelling are about. They help to expand the mind.

I have long criticised George Dubblya, and his "fellow merkins" (albeit only those that don't have a passport and aren't related to me) who take a very insular look on the world, which for many is an "unknown" world if it is not within the US boundaries.

All that being said, we have just spent a week in the Hyatt Regency Resort in (allegedly) Sharm el Sheikh, Egypt. I say allegedly, because it could have been anywhere in the world. Well anywhere in the world that is warm in February and has fantastic snorkeling!

We didn't venture out of the resort to do or see anything local, and the only locals we spoke to were Hyatt employees, each of whom would say "my pleasure" when asked to do anything.

So whilst a fantastic holiday, please don't ask me anything about the area or the people or anything other than the hotel!

Groundhog day?

Having seen Ray yesterday, we made an early decision not to see Gym today, and as a consequence I decided that I would only have two pancakes and maple syrup for breakfast, instead of the usual three(Admittedly in addition to fruit & yoghurt, orange juice, a Spanish omelette, and fresh bread!), as I don't want to put on too much weight.

I had thought that all the exercise that I'd been getting snorkeling would be sufficient to counteract any minimal increase in the amount of food I was eating, but a 'certain person' soon put me right on that count.

First she implied that floating on the surface of the sea, in what must be one of the most buoyant areas of the world, was unlikely to burn off more than a handful of calories, and then she took issue with my reference to "...minimal increase"!

Anyway after another day of such "exercise" we decided that we would dine slightly "up market" in the 'Cascades' open air Restaurant. I had thought that eating in Egypt would be reasonably "cheap" in comparison with the UK, but our meal was almost £90 for the two of us, and I even had to cook my own steak on a hot stone slab!

However, it was a lovely meal, and a lovely setting, so it was worth it. So good in fact that we booked a table for tomorrow night as well!

When one pays this much for a meal in a country where we are told that the average monthly wage is only £30, it puts things into perspective somewhat.

For the 'average' Egyptian - according to the Egyptian Gazette, which I have been receiving daily - even basic Egyptian foodstuffs are becoming too expensive. A traditional lunch-time meal, which sounded a bit like a freshly made 'Pot Noodle' was becoming too expensive to buy - because it had increased in price to 4 Egyptian pounds - or 40 UK pence!

Maybe I'll only have one pancake tomorrow!

Adventures under an azure sky

Apparently there are no weathermen in Sharm el Sheikh, because the weather varies so little.

Today, the sky was once again the colour of azure. How do I know? The following photographic evidence and a Dulux colour chart prove my point.



For those interested in buying the colour it is Azure Sky 2 from the 'Fresh Blues' Dulux range, available at all good stockists.

Today, was broadly similar to the previous days, with snorkeling being the main focus.

Whilst, I had snorkeled yesterday, there were times - especially when looking down at the seabed some sixty feet below me - when I didn't feel as confident as I would have liked.

But did I panic? Of course I did... if only a little.

However, today I was determined to stay out longer and remain calm, despite the somewhat choppy seas.

Perhaps a little morbidly I had already considered that one of life's great ironies is that somebody who gets into difficulties at sea, fears sinking to the bottom (i.e. drowning) and yet, if they do drown, their body floats to the top!

Today, I was calmness personified, and swam for about an hour taking in the wonders of the undersea world of the Red Sea.

Two major finds were had. Firstly. I got to meet Ray! He had tried to cover himself in sand and remained fairly motionless, but his blue spots shone through.

Secondly, we saw (admittedly because another snorkeler pointed it out to us) a lionfish!

Now I am sure that Confucius would have had a saying along the lines of "...it is a wise man who knows what he doesn't know and who doesn't try to touch a lionfish unless he truly knows that it is safe to do so!"

But I didn't read up on Confucius this morning and in fact, tried to touch every fish I saw. Fortunately I was unsuccessful on every attempt. Especially fortunate in relation to the lionfish as the Internet (which doesn't work very well underwater!) states: -

"...Lion-fish have venomous fin spines that can produce painful puncture wounds. Fatalities, however, are rare."

And I was worried about drowning!!!!

Walk like an Egyptian....blog like an Egyptian

Researching Egyptian culture before we left home I referred to one of the most up to date pieces of research that I could find, namely the Bangles hit (?) from 1985 - Walk like an Egyptian.

All the old paintings on the tombs

They do the sand dance don't you know

If they move too quick (oh whey oh)

They're falling down like a domino

All the bazaar men by the Nile

They got the money on a bet

Gold crocodiles (oh whey oh)

They snap their teeth on your cigarette

Foreign types with the hookah pipes say

Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh

Walk like an Egyptian

Having been here for 3 days now, most of the Egyptians that I've seen, actually walk quite normally.

Whilst 'normal' is a relative term, (and I have plenty of relatives who aren't!) in comparison to most of the holidaymakers at this resort hotel - normal is the way that they walk.

The rest of us, walk somewhat gingerly, not being used to this summer sun, in February, and suffering somewhat from sunburn.

However, give George Dublya and his cronies a few more years to speed up global warming and we'll all be walking like Egyptians!

Has anybody seen Ray?

Despite having only been in Sharm el Sheikh for 2 full days, we have already developed a structure for each day.

1. Exercise
2. Eat
3. Beach, Snorkel, Beach, Snorkel etc etc
4. Spa
5. Eat
6. Sleep

First thing in the morning we pay a visit to the gym. This is clearly not driven by any great fondness for physical activity, but more in hope that a week of hotel food (and drink) won't leave us the size of a proverbial brick out-house, or whatever the Egyptian equivalent is!

My time on the treadmill is spent watching the calorie counter to see how many calories I will soon be able to replace at breakfast. Today it was only 216!

216 calories was not enough - especially in view of the fact that there are two breakfast chefs who make omelette's and pancakes to order, the former who has all the style of a cocktail waiter, and throws the fresh omelette from the pan, over his head, to the plate.

I convince myself that neither, nor both of the omellete (singular) or pancakes (plural), can equate to 216 calories.

Others - mentioning no names - are more restrained.

After breakfast we head down to the beach - not for long - just 5 hours or so, sunbathing, snorkeling and drinking the odd glass of beer.

Today, whilst hot. it was a bit breezy, but despite this we both saw another amazing array of fish.

The coral shelf is only about 50 feet from shore before it drops away to a depth of about 60 feet.

Today's special "find" - although not by me - was a blue spotted (sting)ray. I thought that my good friend and associate was shouting "...I've found Ray, I've found Ray", and, not knowing either who Ray was, or what he was doing at the bottom of the Red Sea, I was initially somewhat confused. "...I'll show you where he is," she said, pointing out across the reef. "...Go and see if you can find him."

Now, the reef is quite big and the Red Sea somewhat bigger. The tide was quite strong, and my swimming quite weak. Add to this the fact that Ray, is only 14 inches across, and you can imagine that this task was almost mission impossible (cue music). No, it was mission impossible, as I "f,f,f,failed..."

What made it even more frustrating was that having swum back 100 yards against the tide to hand back the snorkel (we were sharing!) "Marina" only went and found Ray again!

Not that I'm competitive but tomorrow I'm going in search of a Great White Shark!

It's a little bit monotonous!

This holiday is somewhat monotonous - the sky is constantly blue, it never rains, it's always hot (but not too hot), the hotel is excellent, and the snorkeling is absolutely fantastic. (In fact the snorkeling is better than the Barrier Reef, Fiji & Madeira.)

A few photos may demonstrate how awful this place is to encourage others to avoid it in the future - thereby keeping it relatively quiet for when we want to return again.

Back to the snorkeling - whilst invisible from the surface, despite the crystal clear sea, on our first session of snorkeling we immediately found ourselves just above at least 1,000 bright blue, striped, split tailed "Bigeye Jackfish".

It was just like swimming in the middle of an aquarium - but we were in the middle of the Red Sea!

More of this monotony tomorrow!

We're off to sunny.....Egypt

In life, there appear to be three kinds of people; those who look for trouble or problems; those for whom trouble or problems look for them; and those who pass through life not noticing the trouble and strife all around them, whether personally caused by them, or others.

I'm not really sure which "type" I am, although had thought I was more likely to fall into the latter category.

As we set off on holiday, I remembered the disparaging comments that I had made when told that we would be flying with XL Airways. Not that I'd personally experienced them before, but had heard of the exploits of friends and colleagues who had been delayed, in some cases considerably, when flying with them, and on more than one occasion.

However, I also realised that such travel woes, for one of these individuals, was not limited to XL Airways, as she had also been delayed by hurricanes in the Caribbean; missed flights in Florida; and rained on in Broadstairs for 15 years running.

In fact, she is so unlucky in her travels that even her Sat Nav has stopped talking to her, after she constantly ignored "him" on one recent journey!

So the journey started with some trepidation on my part. Before we left home I checked on the Internet to see how long the current delay was for our flight. There wasn't any delay. At the airport we bought some books and a paper to read in the check-in queue. But there wasn't a queue as the desk had opened early. The flight boarded on time, actually took off only 7 mins after the designated flight time, and arrived in Sharm el Sheikh 15 minutes early. The plane was a new 737-800, and whilst the legroom was a little limited, the flight couldn't have been much better.

The only thing that spoilt it was Whistler's Mother. I couldn't actually see (or thankfully for him/her reach) Whistler, and could only imagine that he/she must be aged about 4/5 years old. I am also convinced that Whistler had only learned to whistle this morning.

'Lesson One' has obviously only covered the fundamental principles of blowing air through pursed lips, with future lessons planning to develop the art of making it sound tuneful!!

It also appears that Whistler's "teacher's" last words to him/her had been "...now make sure you practice lots on your holiday!". Because, sure as eggs are eggs (I'm not actually sure what else eggs could actually be but...) young Whistler, whistled away for the best part of 4hours!

As for Whistler's mother - she did absolutely nothing, and sat motionless, as though "sitting" for a portrait, throughout the flight.

Had I brought (or for that matter bought) a pair of headphones I could have listened to something to drown out this tuneless drivel, but I had not, and did not (FIVE POUNDS! Why would I want to spend five pounds on a tacky pair of headphones? Now I know why).

As long as I don't see him or hear him again on holiday he may survive his week off school.

One word of warning to anybody facing such a predicament in future. If you don't have any earphones, do NOT put 'tic tacs' in your ears to block out the noise. They may look like earplugs and are about the same size as earplugs, but they are more difficult to remove from your ears (OK impossible to remove from your ears!) than earplugs!

Does anybody know the Egyptian for Accident & Emergency?

A little mischief making

Having "lifted the lid" this weekend on my previous life in Wiltshire, I thought it would be a shame to close it again without further recollections of those distant days.

In fact "distance" is a somewhat relevant word, as not only does it "...make the heart grow fonder", but it also makes me, now safely ensconced back in Sussex, feel safer - from any potential threats of physical violence - should the "subjects" of my recollections, not wish such tales to be re-told.

There are many stories to tell, such as the tale of Scalectrix and Superglue at Xmas; or How to get a piano on a double-decker bus; or the story of Paul and his car repair (?) business - but more of these another time.

Today's tale from the days of "yore" concerns a holiday that we took with the our close friends the B family (alphabetic not insect).

Following the holiday, which had been in the south of France, I decided that there was an opportunity for little mischief.

Whilst away, although not exactly a case of "...when in Rome, do as the Romans do" - mainly because we were in France and not Italy- the "women" did partake in some topless sunbathing - please see Blog entry of 10November 2007 for photographic evidence!

Well at the time in question (which co-incidentally was around the time that Twin Peaks was on TV) both of the aforementioned "women" worked at the local primary school, which both children in both families attended, and where I was on the Board (bored?) of Governors.

Now, whilst not totally ethical, my position at the school, gave me access to school 'headed paper', which when combined with a topless photo and too much spare time equals "mischief"!

So it was that I penned a letter, purporting to be from the school Headteacher, advising S that (something along the lines of)

"...due to the fact that pupils had been circulating topless photos of her in the playground, the Board of Governors would have no option but to consider her position as a member of staff due to potentially bringing the good name (?) of the school into disrepute...."

I must say that the letter did look official and it was delivered (most probably under cover of darkness to S's house. I'm not sure how long we left it before announcing that the letter was hoax, but I know it wasn't long as I didn't want to risk any potential double-bluff involving claims from S that she'd already rung the headteacher to apologise.

The letter had "worked", at least momentarily, and my life became a little less safe from that moment on!

PS I am ashamed at those of you who paused from reading this story to go in search of the topless photos in the 10 November entry - I know who you are!

As if I would do something as underhand as that...