What defines being British?

After spending recent days musing on all things American, it is perhaps time to remind the listening (OK reading) world (OK not the entire world but this blog is now read in 18 countries!) what "Being British" is all about.

Being British is: -

Driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and the most British thing of all? - Suspicion of anything foreign!!!

Oh and......

1. Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in Britain...do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
3. Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
4. Only in Britain...do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
5. Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
6. Only in Britain...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
7. Only in Britain...are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

So if you have a passport - I'm sorry that this excludes the majority of you Americans - why not pay us a visit!

2008 Christmas No1

After mentioning Obama's New Hampshire speech yesterday, I was interested to hear reports of some of its detail, which I hadn't listened previously listed to, but which appeared to reach out to the people, of all ages.

With his wife and daughter by his side and referring to Hillary Clinton's victory, Barack O (as he's known on the street) eloquently, and some would say lyrically, covered issues of race, diversity, decision making and choice as he recounted in his southern drawl what messages he had been delivering in the hustings.

He told the democrat supporters present: -

"...And I told about equality, an' its true, either you're wrong or you're right. But, if you're thinkin' about my baby it don't matter if you're black or white"

How prophetic!

Without wishing to over analyse exactly what each word meant, I believe that he has often referred to America itself as being his "baby", something he cares almost as deeply about as his own child. These selfless words reflect his desire for change and for the American people to decide between either him or Hillary Clinton, and that despite his personal ambitions it doesn't matter which of them they choose, because whichever one they choose, that choice is better than the Republican alternative.

The man is almost becoming a rock star, and is already the 6/4 favourite at Ladbrokes to be No. 1 in the UK singles chart this Christmas (presumably - and this is a prediction - beating Chantelle, from Essex who will win the fourth X Factor series after "amazingly" coming from behind (?) to beat Gavin, 21, a 17-stone, peroxide blond, gay, male Liverpudlian op/rock vocalist from a broken home and who only got to the final with the support of his"friend" Derek, 53 from Cheadle, and who will became famous throughout the series for crying more than singing - sweet!)

Ronseal approach is best

As I said only a few days ago, we have possibly just witnessed history in the making, as the American Democrat voters in New Hampshire signal their intent to help Hillary Clinton become the first female President.

Well I think that's what I predicted. OK, I admit that this paragraph will change many times between now and 'Super' Tuesday, with the words "black" and "female" being interchangeable from caucus to caucus.

I did mention the other day that encouraging voters to barack Obama, might not be the most productive means of creating the right kind of atmosphere for success, and having watched his post defeat speech (actually oratory is more accurate, for this man actually has the power to "engage" a crowd, more than any other American politician since Clinton - Bill not Hilary, or Kennedy) his campaign organisers should carefully consider whether Obama's campaign slogan - "We want change!" should be used after he has won the previous caucus.

In Iowa, Barack Obama won handsomely; "We want change!" chanted (or barracked) his supporters in New Hampshire, and they got it with a Hilary Clinton victory.

Now it's not rocket science, (Unless you work for NASA) but I always prefer the Ronseal approach ("it does what it says on the tin") and whilst not particularly pithy, Obama's supporters should "spice" it up and be asked to shout: -

"we'll tell you who we want, who we really, really want, a ziga a ziga, a Barack Obamahhhhhhhhhh!!!"

Technology - and a Prime Minister - gone mad?

Now it has to be said that I have more than a passing interest in the latest hi-tec gizmos, but I cannot quite understand some of the digital and wireless technology available in 2008.

Apparently, Geotherm Wireless showers are "...remote-controlled from anywhere in the house".

Excuse me?

Why, if you're in the shower would you want to control it from anywhere other than "IN" the shower.

I accept that if you have unwelcome guests staying with you, it might be fun to send them on their way to "freshen up" with a nice hot shower, wait downstairs until you hear them singing the theme tune from Disney's 'Enchanted' (a very good film by the way!) and then zap the remote temperature control down to minus 5 degrees, turning on (presumably by another remote control) the radio to a volume sufficient to mask their cries of pain.

Other than for this type of "high jinx" I can think of no other reason for the existence of this shower.

The previous 13 words also come to mind in relation to Gordon Brown's Cabinet whose latest offering of "health checks for everyone", at a time when you can wait up to 4 weeks in A&E just to see a hospital porter; when a visit to hospital usually results in you leaving in a less healthy state than when you went in, and when junior doctors still work on average for 32 hours per day.

(Please note that these statistics have been provided by the usual experts!)

The only people who actually go to their doctors are people wealthy enough in that they have a job and because they have a job are (sadly) deluded enough to think that they might be suffering from "...work-related stress" - that is to say, the "wealthy, worried, (but actually) well" - whereas those who are genuinely sick often can't either afford the prescription or afford to be able to take time off to see the doctor in the first place - even assuming they can get an appointment!!

Nice one Gordon!

Jesuits to vote for 'Black Pope'

One of the challenges that I face on a daily basis is trying to avoid being "sucked into" buying a London newspaper, by the ever increasingly misleading billboard(?) headlines.

However, the above headline which appeared in today's Telegraph initially led me to think that the Roman Catholic church had decided to abandon their historical conservatism, and decide to elect a new black Pope, ignoring the minor detail of having a living white Pope in the Vatican already.

Now I'm sure that a Black Pope would go down a storm in Africa, a continent that historically will have turned a blind eye to similar inconvenient truths, and creative enough to "lose" Pope Benedict XVI, in order to create a "vacancy" for a black Pope to be elected.

But one would have thought that Plan A - e.g. to bury the current Pope under a pile of eggs, in the style of Eggs Benedict - would have been "hatched" prior to announcing news of Plan B to vote for the Black Pope.

As you can imagine, the headline was nothing more than a misleading hook to attract readers (You'll never see me doing this, in this Blog!)

Apparently, the 'Black Pope' nickname refers to the simple black vestments worn by the Jesuits and to the power the leader holds. The Society of Jesus, which was founded in the 16th century by St Ignatius Loyola to be the "Pope's cavalry.

The outgoing leader, Father Peter-Hans Kolvenbach, 79, has served since 1983. He is the first head to ask to retire, a request granted by Pope Benedict.

Is Obama Sin Laden?

It must be extremely annoying - albeit totally avoidable - when after many years of striving to achieve political office, an individual's moment of glory is marred by the "gutter" press publishing damaging news of either prior financial ruin, sexual misdemeanors or some other act which succeeds in damaging their reputation before they've even had time to build one.

There have been plenty of examples of political indiscretions, of which the following are just 3 in a long list: -

Bill Clinton, the former US President, who, with reference to Monica Lewinsky stated - "I did not have sexual relations with that woman".

Charles Kennedy, the former Liberal Democrat leader, who in an interview with David Dimbleby declared - "Yes, I'm actually an extremely moderate and infrequent consumer of alcohol as a matter of fact."

Mark Oaten, the disgraced Liberal Democrat MP who stated - after being outed - that "...going bald and a mid-life crisis had led him to have an affair with a male prostitute.

[Clearly Bill's eyesight was poorer than we knew ("...AW sorry, I thought you were pointing at THAT woman"); Charles didn't have frequent spells of drinking alcohol, just one and therefore he was by definition an infrequent consumer of alcohol. However, the one time that he had drank alcohol lasted from 1988 to 2007!; Mark, on the other hand was simply a bald, gay man, who had been pretending to be a liberal democrat MP!]

So what is the position with Barack Obama? Does he have a past laden with sin, or is he as clean-cut and wholesome as he is being made out to be? If he has skeleton's in his cupboard, should he let them out now or risk having them let out for him in the future, thereby destroying his prospects of making US political history and becoming the first black US President, and also the first President with a name that invites those around him to "...jeer or shout at him".

So Mr Obama, if you have a drink, financial or marital problem in your past let us know now so that the American people can decide whether or not you are fit to become the most powerful man in the world.

However, if your problems are either intellectual or involve corruption, dishonesty or deceit, then feel free to keep them secret. George Bush has all of these qualities and he survived for 2 terms!

But how?

Hello Barack & Isaac, Goodbye Donald!

As days go, January 4th felt somewhat inferior to other monthly "4ths".

For example it never expected to get into the movies, and certainly not in a speaking part, as May 4th had done in Star Wars.

It was also not ready to leave home in search of independence as July 4th had done, prior to heading off for America.

January 4th was simply an ordinary day.

It wasn't as though it hadn't seen life (or death) it had and plenty of it.

Sir Isaac Newton was born on January 4th 1643 - well actually Isaac Newton was born, the 'Sir' bit coming some time later.

Wouldn't it have been a great piece of foresight if he had been christened 'Sir' Isaac, or, in fact an even greater achievement, if the honour had been bestowed upon him at birth for 'services to Science whilst in the womb'.

Just think, if the 17th century midwifery practice had changed at midnight on 3 January 1643, from encouraging women to give birth lying down, to giving birth standing up...Isaac could - albeit theoretically -have discovered gravity upon entry (and fairly rapid entry at that) into the world.

However, depending upon the actual speed of "entry", January 4th could have become renowned for the birth, knighthood and death of baby Sir Isaac, AND the discovery of gravity all in the space of (regal administrative prior planning permitting) a few minutes.

Anyway, sadly life didn't turn out that way and it was not until 1967 when January 4th saw a notable death, when Donald Campbell also discovered gravity as well as the fact that whilst at 0 mph water is quite soft...at 300mph it feels (although only very briefly in Donald's case as he was soon to end up permanently "in the soup") as hard as concrete!

However, there is a slight chance that January 4th may achieve the notoriety that it deserves and in the future be recognised as the day the world realised that America was soon to get its first black President!

Welcome Barack Obama!

APOLOGY - RETRACTION

Due to the difficulty in both creating content for this Blog whilst at the same time reviewing the many (OK two!) comments received, it is not always possible to ensure that the comments made are neither inappropriate nor offensive.

I must therefore apologise for the comment that briefly appeared after yesterday's entry, prior to me being able to withdraw it. The reference to Paul McCartney & Heather Mills proved too much for one person who sadly added the following comment:

Paul McCartney stated that he was surprised that Heather Mills was trying to secure such a large divorce settlement, as he had always been very generous to her during their marriage. He stated that the year before their split he had bought her a plane!

Although she still used IMMAC on the other leg!

Many apologies for anybody who was upset by this comment!

Life begins at 74!

Some people have limited expectations about the future, but today I had great expectations. These "expectations" were for overnight snow sufficient to render it impossible for me to make my way into London.

Let's face it, it wouldn't have taken a lot of snow to achieve this - the UK rail network is capable of grinding to a halt without the intervention of anything at all, whether snow, soggy leaves, or falling or jumping passengers - but not a flake fell anywhere near us.

You would imagine that in this litigious age I should be able to sue somebody, or something. I am sure that Carol Kirkwood, BBC's chirpy weatherperson, "promised" me snow.

Failure to deliver on this "promise" deprived me of a "lie-in", and caused me temporary depression - which for legal reasons I consider to be a disability.

That's the problem with looking forward to something that doesn't carry a cast iron guarantee with it, so often you end up being disappointed.

My work colleagues also said that they were disappointed that the lack of snow had enabled me to get to work, and I am taking this to mean that they were disappointed "for me". What else could they mean?

However, some people never give up hope and continue to look forward to the future. So if you have a birthday today, whether you are 60, 74, 80 or 102 just think of the example set by Eric King-Turner and his wife Doris who have decided to emigrate to New Zealand.

They are both looking forward to a long future ahead of them where Eric hopes to spend his time indulging in his passion of fly fishing, in a country "...similar to Britain, but less crowded.".

Not that unusual you might think, apart from the fact that Eric is 102 and Doris is 87!

So for any Birthday Girls (or Boys), having giving you hope for the future I will now share the (scientifically proven) world's funniest joke as my present to you.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man whips out (...wait for it!) his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the man says: "Okay, now what?"

Look out Eric, are you sure that that was a walking stick that Doris was packing?

Link betwen divorce and cheese discovered!

Once again we set out into the great unknown of a new year that is to be 2008 with confusing facts all around us.

Apparently, according to an article in this morning's paper, in 2006 the number of divorces in Great Britain was 18% lower than in 1992, the year that Prince Andrew and Fergie (of the royal, rather than black eyed peas variety) split.

This raises a number of questions. Firstly why do some statisticians take so long to produce their data and is this any reflection on their overall level of expertise?

I don't want to know about 2006's figures I want 2007's. Secondly, how do the UK's figures compare with the rest of the world.

Apparently the UK divorce rate is running at 53%, but, the experts (ha!) state that these are nowhere near as high as in Sweden (64%), Russia (65%) or Belarus (68%).

They go on to state that: -

"...one factor that has never been fully quantified is the temperature, since the highest divorce rates all occur in sub-zero temperatures."

I must say that my earlier concern regarding the aptitude of these experts is increasing. When faced with the serious issue of divorce rates - it is a significant leap across the statistical divide to create a link with temperature as the most significant cause.

Some ill informed individuals (of which I am clearly not one) might offer contradictory views such as "...Rubbish, what do you expect? Have you never seen a Belorussian woman?"

To which I would have to respond "...no, but I have seen Anna Kournakova so what's your point?" (Thank you Charlotte - but you don't actually have to point every time!).

Linking divorce rates with low temperatures is as useful or insightful as linking it with the number of stray cats in the country, or mice, or cheese. Come to think of it each of these items - especially in Belorussian 'cartoon-land - is related. There are (really there are!) large numbers of stray cats in Belarus, presumably due to a plentiful supply of mice, who can surely only survive in the low temperatures with copious supplies of cheese. (What do you mean mice don't really like cheese?)

Therefore, as valid a causal link as low temperatures and high divorce rates is that of cheese and high divorce rates. Whilst a somewhat bizarre theory, we should really try to persuade others that it may be true. Otherwise George Dubblya Bush, may try to use a continuation of global warming policies as a means of increasing the sanctity of marriage in the US.

In a another headline today, it was stated that: -

"Paul McCartney has operation on his heart".

Is it only me, or the vast majority of the population in the UK who immediately thought of the words "...after having been broken by Heather Mills"!