QUESTION: - Is there any point complaining to large companies about their goods and services?

Much depends upon the company and the nature of the complaint.

Following my response to the question on 25 November I wrote to Marks & Spencer Customer Service Dept, as follows: -

Dear Sir /Madam,

I write to raise a concern (from a potential Health & Safety angle) with regards to one of your products.

I recently purchased a pair of men's slippers with memory foam, from my local store having been tempted by the description on your website -

"These slippers are made of deep, heat-sensitive memory foam, the inners soles mould
perfectly around every contour of your feet, and "remember" the exact shape of your feet, every time that you put them on."

My concern relates to the "memory" element of the foam. It appears that another (apparently somewhat disfigured) customer had already tried on the slippers in the store, and had chosen not to buy them.

However, the slippers "remembered" the contours of this person's feet.

It appears as though the individual had only three toes on one foot and four on the other, and walked with a pronounced limp, which I now replicate every time I put the slippers on at home, looking somewhat like John Cleese in the Ministry of Funny Walks sketch.

Please could you consider attaching a health warning to this product to inform other customers of the potential dangers.

I look forward to you reply."

With amazing speed, the M&S Customer Service Dept. responded thus: -

" Dear "Psychiatrist's Chair" ,

Thanks for your email.

We take any Health and Safety issues very seriously and we will look into this further. Please return the slippers to the store you bought them from and we will be happy to exchange for a new, Hopefully unused pair.

I am very sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you. If you have any further questions please feel free to contact us by email or call on 0845 609 0200.

Kind Regards"

Expect to see Health Safety notices all over M&S slipper departments across the land, any time soon!!!!

QUESTION: - Why has the case of the teddy bear and the "M" word caused so much controversy?

Clearly, given the potentially (albeit not actual) global reach of this blog, and the fact that people of all faiths, creeds and nationalities may choose to refer to it both for direction and solace (although certainly not for a few laughs) on a regular basis, I always try to ensure that in answering questions I do not inadvertently cause offence. Hence why I have not used the "M" word in full, when detailing the question above.

The "M" word in question causes strong reactions from people of different faiths, quite literally causing hatred within some faiths, whilst clearly to others it is a source of love.

Yet the combination of a child's bear with the "M" word has caused controversy and chaos across the world.

The bear in question is of course, Paddington Bear who has broken the habit of a lifetime, swapping his trademark marmalade sandwich for Marmite in a TV ad campaign.

In the commercial, Paddington - who for the past 49 years has kept an "emergency" marmalade sandwich to hand - decides that he "ought to try something different".

Settling on Marmite and cheese, which he finds "really rather good", Paddington proceeds to feed a piece of the sandwich to a bird that lands nearby.

Playing on Marmite's advertising catchline of "You either love it or hate it", the bird hates the taste and flies off, triggering a chain reaction that sees a taxi crash into a shop and a watermelon catapulted to hit a policeman.

As I said, controversy and chaos across the world!!!!

QUESTION: - Did George W Bush really use the "F" word when referring to the Queen?

Given the number of gaffes and blunders made by George Dubblya over the years, this fact is probably not that surprising, but it is true, the "F" word was inappropriately (if there is EVER an appropriate use) used on the Queen's most recent visit to the US.

When I say recent - it implies that she is a "frequent visitor", and I suppose that it would be more grammatically correct to say that she was a "regular" rather than "frequent" visitor. She went to the US at least twice in the 20th century and she has already gone once in the 21st! No doubt, if she were to live long enough I'm sure that she'd even go back in the 22nd century.

(Clearly the use of "regular", is similar to me referring to myself as "regular" visitor to the gym...given that I went, albeit only once, in 2004, 2005, 2006 etc).

Anyway, back to the question.

Whilst we know that Dubblya stated that the Queen had “... dined with 10 US presidents..." and "...helped the US nation celebrate its bicentennial in 17 - 1976.”, very nearly implying that she was 200+ years old, many may have missed the use of the "F" word.

This occurred when he referred to Madge (as those of us close to her like to call her) as "feisty"!

The accepted definition of feisty being "...irritable and looking for trouble".

All I can say is that she went to the right place!

QUESTION: - Is there an internationally recognised test for dementia?

I am pleased to say that there is, and I have included the questions & answers below, for those of you who are below the age of 70, so that you can test your nearest and deafest (sorry) dearest!

If you are over 70, remember (I realise that this is already a difficult concept to grasp) that exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

OK, relax, breathe deeply, clear your mind and begin.

Q1. What do you put in a toaster?

A1. "Bread."

If they said "toast," tell them to give up now and do something else, but remove any sharp objects from the vicinity so that they don't hurt themselves. If they said, bread, go to Question 2.

Q2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

A2. Cows drink water.

If they said "milk," don't let them attempt the next question. Their brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Let them content themselves with reading more appropriate literature such as a 1963 copy of Readers Digest. However, if they said "water", let them proceed to question 3.

Q3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

A3. Greenhouses are made from glass.

If they said "green bricks," why the hell are you still letting them humiliate themselves??? If they said "glass," go on to Question 4.

Q4. It's twenty years ago, and a jet plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man 's land"?

A4. You don't bury survivors.

If they said ANYTHING else, they're basically a dunce and must stop.

If they said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

Q5. Don't let them use a calculator, and tell them that they are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London 17 people get on the bus;
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on
In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

A5. Oh, for crying out loud! Don't they remember their own name? Tell them "It was YOU!!"

However, don't be too hard on them as 95% of people fail most of the questions

QUESTION: - What is the best form of communication?

One must always ensure that the method of of communication enables the true meaning of the message to be understood.

An example of this was when I was recently told by somebody that "My cat is going to be in Horsham next week...".

Whilst this appeared a little strange, I assumed that it was being taken to the vets. However, it was clear from the following remarks, that this was no ordinary cat, when the person added that it would be "...signing copies of his autobiography!"

In this instance "My cat" turned out to be "Mike Catt", the England rugby international and World Cup winner, thereby demonstrating that sometimes the written word can be easier to understand than the spoken.

A similar situation arose many years ago when a radio presenter announced that "Next week my gas bill will be here", which resulted in a number of calls to the radio station complaining of "unnecessary drivel", necessitating the radio station to explain that the presenter had in fact said that Mike (not unsurprisingly now referred to as Michael) Aspell, would be there the following week.

QUESTION: - Is all new technology advantageous?

Up until this afternoon I would have answered this question with a resounding "Yes". However, not any more.

Being old, and English, and someone who gets occasionally cold feet I decided to buy a pair of slippers in Marks and Spencers. The pair that I chose featured the latest technology "memory foam".

These slippers are made of deep, heat-sensitive memory foam, the inners soles mould perfectly around every contour of your feet, and "remember" the exact shape of your feet, every time that you put them on.

I briefly tried the slippers on just to check that they were the right size, but didn't walk in them as I didn't want to feel too self conscious walking up and down a store in my slippers. This was my big mistake!

On getting the slippers home, and trying them on, it became apparent that the slippers did in fact remember the shape of your feet. Well, actually, when I say "your feet" it could well have been your feet. The memory foam remembers the first person to wear the slippers - i.e. whoever first tried them on in the store!!

Unfortunately, the first person to try on my pair apparently had four toes on his left foot and walked - as I will have to from now on - with a pronounced limp! Every time I wear the slippers I look like John Cleese in the Ministry of Funny Walks sketch!

Next time I'm buying a pair of clogs!

QUESTION: - Should the badger be culled?

T here are two main types of badger. The first is the animal pictured on the left, which belongs to the to the family Mustelidae: the same mammal family as the ferrets and weasels...

...whilst the second is the animal pictured on the right, Alistair "Badger" Darling, who belongs to the family Politicianidae: the same mammal family as the ferrets, and weasels!

In fact the similarity between these badgers is even closer as there are three subfamilies of badger: Melinae, Mellivorinae and Taxideinae, and the badger on the right is clearly a member of the latter, as denying taxes (only later to impose them) seems to be a key element of the role.

In fact denying anything and everything appears to be a fundamental part of his role; Denying responsibility for: -

1. the Northern Rock crisis,
2. the missing HMRC data of 25m taxpayers,
3. the stagnating housing market, AND
4. spreading Tuberculosis to cattle
   

OK maybe point 4 above, may be slightly more associated with the badger on the left but the way Alistair's luck has been going lately it is only a matter of time before he gets blamed for this also.

Anyway back to the question - given that one of the above badgers has been proved to cause devastation to whole communities, he (Alistair "Badger" Darling that is) should definitely be culled, whereas there is no concrete evidence that the cute looking animal on the left causes TB, and should therefore be spared.

As a supplementary answer to those who actually know something about the subject, i.e. that there IS scientific evidence to prove that badgers cause TB in cattle, I would simply say (because most of what I say is simple) that as cattle have been proven to be one of the greatest producers of carbon gases (by their belching!), if badgers are allowed to live, they may actually help to save the planet!

So in summary, the answer to the question is YES and NO. I hope that this has proved helpful.

QUESTION: - What is the link between this blog and Terry Waite?

In January 1987 Terry Waite the church envoy was kidnapped and held captive for almost five years in the Lebanese capital, Beirut.


Upon his release almost 5 years later Waite recounted three things that he kept saying to himself after he had been taken hostage which somehow stood him in good stead.

1. No regrets - you haven't done everything correctly, you're bound to have made mistakes, but stick by what you've done.



2. No self pity - don't begin to feel sorry for yourself, there are loads of people who are in worse situations than yourself.



3. And no over-sentimentality - don't look back and say, "If only I'd spent more time with the family and had longer holidays - life has been lived, you cannot re-live it".
   

These feelings are clearly similar to those that I have recently experienced having just returned from 6 months in Hemel Hempstead.

Whilst I wasn't quite in solitary confinement, (although if you've ever stayed in the Holiday Inn in Hemel, it can be quite similar to war-strewn Beirut in the 1980's), Waite's thoughts were very similar to mine (or should that be, mine were to his?).

Like Waite, I was at times beset with dark thoughts - often having to put my family and friends out of my mind - to dwell on them would have made me unnecessarily depressed - I was always concerned about them. I was all alone - unable to blog, unable to communicate with the world outside of Hemel.


I long remember that day when I became aware of the fact that I would soon be set free. When it did happen it was really rather a low key event. They (the hotel management) simply came into the room and said, "You're going to be released", and threw in some clothes, which were all far too small - I looked ridiculous. How had I put on so much weight staying in a hotel whose food was so poor?

Having been released from Hemel into the real world, I am free to blog again....