Had a nice day at the office dear?

The infamous "they" say that there's more than one way to skin a cat, which says a lot about "they" or "them" or whatever they like to be called.

There are also many different ways to view the same issue. For instance, some (I think they may be a sub-group of they) would say that after a hard day at the office, the chance to sit down with a drink in one hand, and some food in the other, contemplating the world around them would be a pleasant way to unwind.

However, I choose to disagree!

Due to a localised power failure the Jubilee line, the only underground in and out of Canary Wharf was suspended at about 5.30pm. No problem if it had only lasted for 5 or 10 minutes.

It didn't! - Four and a half hours later it was still suspended.

I had decided to stay at work a few (OK four) hours longer, to let the 50,000+ Canary Wharf employees gradually find an alternative route home, and so I reached the DLR station at about 9.30.

They hadn't!

It appeared as though about 20 or 30 (not thousand, just 20 or 30!) had walked, or ran, or swam home. The rest of use were waiting fora train on the Docklands Light Railway (DLR) which was in the news the other week as it was increasing the length of its trains to accommodate more passengers ahead of the 2010 Olympics.

It hasn't!

Well not the one I tried (and failed) to get on. These trains - plural, but in reality running 15 minutes apart - would look more at home in an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine. Especially if they've ever had an episode entitled "Danny the DLR train and 50,000 angry passengers playing sardines".

I eventually got on a train and headed towards the City. In fact we headed towards the City quite quickly! As the DLR is a "Light" railway, when you cram four times as many passengers on it than it was designed to carry, when it goes downhill it does a fantastic impersonation of a runaway train! (...and she blew!)

Anyway I eventually got to London Bridge station where I planned to catch the 22.11 train towards Brighton.

I didn't!

I got to the platform at 22.11 and 30 seconds, just as the train was pulling away.

The next train was not until 22.41, and hence I the reference at the start of this blog to me sitting down with a drink in one hand, and some food in the other, contemplating the world around me. Happy? Me? Hah!

However, this luck could change as I apparently drew out the favourite in the Grand National Sweepstake at work.

Isn't Dobbin a strange name for a racehorse?

April - but not everything is foolish!

One of the great difficulties with being “a bit of a joker” is that when 1 April comes around each year, people assume (do these people not know about the saying?) that everything I say and everything I do, will actually be a practical joke, when in fact everything I said and did was serious.

So when I announced that there was to be a fly past of the Red Arrows over London - which from 35 floors up in Canary Wharf was quite a spectacular sight - many of my team missed it, fearing that it was a “wind up”.

The English press also had similar difficulties in relation to this issue, when highlighting the following stories which were published today: -

1. A new pay-per-view funeral service scheme is being launched today. The Daily Mail says the scheme at Southampton Crematorium allows mourners to grieve from home by watching proceedings online.
2. A turtle is addicted to nicotine. He became addicted after picking up the smouldering butts in his owner's garden, in Kouqian, China, and sulks if he doesn't get his fix.
3. The menopause is caused by the age-old battle between wives and mothers-in-law, reports the Times. As long as 50,000 to 300,000 years ago, competition for food in a family unit was a battle won by the younger women who fed their offspring, which led to the older women losing their ability to breed. With food hard to find, mothers-in-law tended to help rear the grandchildren rather than have more children themselves.
4. School desks and chairs are to be enlarged to meet the needs of the UK's ever-heavier schoolchildren, reports the Express. On average British children are a centimetre taller than they were 10 years ago, and there are more obese youngsters, so desks supplied to UK schools will reflect this.
5. You will soon be able to have a tattoo on your teeth, reports the Sun. Steve Heward, the dentist who started the craze in the US plans to set up in Britain.
   

All of the above were – like me – actually serious, clearly showing that today was not a good day to publish the whimsical, but true, if you wanted people to believe the story.

All of this goes to prove that it is not as easy to identify the truth (or the real) from the lies (or the illusion).

The pictures below are amazing examples of such "illusions", which in truth are real works of art! You really have to "hand it" to the artist!!

Queen tells Gordon Brown to "...Get lost!"

This week the French President - Nicolas Sarkozy - was entertained by the Queen at Windsor Castle as part of his 2-day "state visit".

Part of this "entertainment" was a banquet in St George's Hall at Windsor Castle attended by the British Prime Minister and other dignitaries (sorry that should have read "...Prime Minister and 149 dignitaries").

It was prior to this banquet that our Prime Minister - Gordon Brown - went missing.

Having previously criticised George Bush for not knowing his left from his right, or being able to fight his way out of a paper bag (let alone Vietnam, Korea, Iraq etc) it is only fair that I balance the situation with a suitable "dollop" of scorn on our Gordon.

Getting lost, whilst embarrassing, does not in itself signify a total lack of ability with regards to "running" a country, but sparking a constitutional crisis regarding our dear (quite expensive) Queen is another thing altogether.

How did this happen? Well, when a Downing Street spokesman was asked how Gordon had got lost, the spokesman insisted that Gordon Brown was just "doing what he was told". Therefore by implication the Queen had told him to "Get lost", and Gordon being an obedient soul, did just that.

The video in the link below even shows the Queen being quite amused at Gordon's misfortune. It is a very short clip, and the Queen can be heard saying to Princess Anne: "...The prime minister got lost. He disappeared the wrong way....at the crucial moment." At the end of the clip you can also hear Sarkosy starting to call out to Gordon...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_7310000/newsid_7316700/7316744.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm&asb=1&news=1&bbcws=1

"...Gordon!" Sarkosy shouts, just as the clip ends, but those who were there state that he then said "...Gordon! You Loser! Why are you sat behind a bunch of flowers? You were supposed to be sat next to Her Majesty, but we didn't know where you were...so I sat there!!!"

The beautiful game?

Football is often described by some as "...The beautiful game". However, having watched the England v France last night there were at least two reasons why I think such a phrase is inappropriate.

Firstly, the way that England played was anything but beautiful.

Secondly....Joleon Lescott! (No further explanation is really required, as can be evidence by the picture below left.)

Not only is he "no great shakes" as a footballer, but he is the closest living thing on this planet to Worf, the Klingon from Star Trek!

Actually, having seen both pictures I now realise that the above statement is rather unkind...to the Klingon!!!

To err is human...but to "misspeak" takes a Clinton

There appears to be a certain mental condition or aberration that exists within the Clinton family that results in them having a clear grasp on reality.

Back in 1998, clenching his jaw and pointing his finger for emphasis, President Clinton denied, in far more forceful terms than before, that he had had a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky and coached her to lie about it.

"I want you to listen to me," Clinton said, as he glared at cameras. "I'm going to say this again, I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time -- never. These allegations are false. And I need to go back to work for the American people."

At the time I thought that Bill had been "lying". Now I realise I was w..w..wrong!

Hilary Clinton has recently claimed, in a recent description of a 1996 trip to Bosnia, that she landed amid sniper fire. Mrs Clinton did this when she gave a foreign policy speech designed to demonstrate she is more battle-ready to be commander-in-chief on "day one" than her less experienced rival, Barack Obama.

Her recollection of her landing near Tuzla was nothing if not vivid. "I remember landing under sniper fire," she said. "There was supposed to be some kind of greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."

The above picture of Hillary and her daughter Chelsea clearly shows them both running with their heads down, and had the resolution of the picture been even better, presumably we would actually be able to see the sniper bullets to which she referred!

Or maybe we wouldn't because CBS News has now aired footage showing her calmly alighting from her military aircraft and indeed participating in an arrival ceremony. At this point I once again assumed that she had been lying in her recent speech.

Seemingly, once again I was w...w...wrong!

It appears that neither Hillary nor Bill were "lying", it is just that they both "misspoke"!

I had never heard of this term before, but given that it has been used by some of the most powerful people in the world, I guess it must be OK. It is also comforting to know that I have personally never lied about anything in my life.

But as for "misspeaking"? Possibly!

Never mind Easter - show him your cross!

I am pleased to say that I did not embarrass myself this Easter, or at least not as much as I nearly did a few years back.

Whilst I am not particularly religious, I do understand the general concept of Easter, and whilst having some sympathy with the views of comedian Alan Carr, ("...a long weekend is great but I can't help thinking that if Jesus had just held on a bit longer we could have had a full week's holiday!") I do realise that this does tend to trivialise this important religious festival.

Neither was this (i.e. the trivialisation point) my intent a few years back when on this same weekend I noticed a family friend, Phillip, walking through our village.

At the time (and I should point out that I don't have 20:20 vision) I was in my car and Phillip appeared to be struggling to carry a large wooden object, and was not helped by the fact that a large group of fellow villagers who were walking behind him, were offering him no assistance whatsoever!

"Shall I stop and give him a hand?" I asked MN&D, to which she gave me a withering look and asked "Don't you know what he's doing?".

I think this may have been a rhetorical question, because as I started to reply, that "Yes, he's struggling to carry that big wooden cross..." I suddenly realised that Phillip, the village's Vicar, was staging a re-enactment of Christ's journey.

I also fully appreciate that had this modern day re-enactment concluded with with "Christ" arriving at the crucifixion site, in the front of a Mondeo estate, with his cross hanging out of the back of the said car, that some of the religious and symbolic significance may have been lost.

However, whilst my willingness to help was somewhat inappropriate, at least my heart was in the right place!

Holly Willoughby - what is a breat?

For those of you who have not previously watched ITV's Dancing on Ice, Holly Willoughby is one the two presenters, the other being Philip Schofield.

Whilst still learning the trade, Holly makes a good co-presenter as she is young, pretty and "well-proportioned", if you like that sort of thing! Clearly not everybody does, as ITV received complaints from viewers one week when a particular dress that Holly - who is a curvy lass - was wearing, as they thought that it was too low cut.

As a fan of her "presenting style", I was drawn to the news-stands in the local newsagents yesterday where that well known and celebrated magazine "Love it!" (No, I hadn't heard of it either) had the headline "Holly Willoughby - Tormented by being 'thick'".
I was so deeply moved by the thought that this poor young girl could actually be living a life of torment that I took a peek inside the magazine, to learn more about her "troubles".

It was on these inside pages that I read with both shock and horror the headline and sub heading below!
Now, whilst somewhat distracted by the photos of Holly, I did in fact manage to read the article which described how Holly had suffered at school due to her having dyslexia, which went undiagnosed for a long time. (For those of you thinking that this may have been the reason why Holly didn't sell her story to 'KO!' magazine you should be ashamed of yourselves!)

Once her "condition" was recognised, Holly received additional support at school and soon after her results improved.

After her schooldays, Holly became a lingerie model prior to becoming a TV presenter, and remains proud that her figure is "...all her own", and has not been enhanced by surgery.

However, given the content of the article, I think that it is almost criminal that the spelling was not checked to avoid the fact that the subheading states that Holly said that: -

"...at least her breats are her own"

Are they "...taking the mick" out of her condition? If not, what are breats?

"Stwffiedig" at 'r Cymraeg...dwywaith

Whilst this has been a short working week, it has been noticeable for the fact that the Welsh have conspired to spoil both ends of it for Englishmen (and women) like me. Not that there should be too many English women like me, but hopefully you get my drift!

Firstly, last Saturday, they played their little hearts out in the final match of their Rugby Six Nations campaign beating France to win the "Grand Slam" and denying the English team their rightful place on the podium.

Today, I had to visit the Principality on business, and set off this morning with my Passport in my pocket to ensure that I would be able to get back into England when my meeting was over.

The first issue that I had was that I actually had to pay to get in - £5.30 it cost - about the cost of going to see a good film, and if I had been going to see a good film it would have been entitled "A dreary day in the valleys".

Having just about got over the indignation of this charge I drove into Cardiff for my meeting at Cardiff University, where, the first issue that was raised (which I can assure you had absolutely nothing to do with the business reason for the meeting) was the fact that Wales had won the "Grand Slam"! Not wanting to be churlish, I demonstrated what a good sport I was and said "Did they?...I'm not really interested in Rugby. Is that like winning the Rugby World Cup, because I think I read that England nearly did that twice in a row didn't they?"

The meeting was much shorter than I thought it would be for some reason.

I then headed back to the multi-storey car park where I'd left my car on the top level. I took my ticket and placed it in the pay-machine. Up popped the price - EIGHT POUNDS! I'd only been there in total about two and a half hours.

Reluctantly I put my credit card in the slot to pay this extortionate fee. The machine chugged...gulped...swallowed and then refused to give me either my ticket or my credit card back. I pressed the intercom that took me through to a NCP Car Park customer service (Hah!) operative and explained my predicament. I'll get somebody down to see you shortly.

"Shortly" is an interesting word! Now, I blame the fact that 'Doctor Who' is filmed in Cardiff, as "shortly" clearly has a different meaning for these "Time Traveller" influenced folk, as I had to wait in front of the now 'Out of Order' pay machine for over half an hour!

This delay was just enough to ensure that as I eventually left Cardiff, I hit the rush hour traffic and got caught up in all of the traffic jams on the way back to Sussex as people set of on their Easter breaks.

So it was that I was "stwffiedig" at 'r Cymraeg...dwywaith (which I think, and hope means "Stuffed by the Welsh...twice")!

Clinton loses chance of Democratic Party nomination

Whilst I clearly don't want to tempt fate, it appears as though Barack Obama, has just sealed the Democratic Party nomination by doing....nothing.

It will not be his momentous "race" speech that will do it, even though the strategy of testing the response of the nature ahead of the Philly primary, was a great tactic, as he had little to lose, as he is currently 12 points behind Hills.

What has just secured him the victory has in fact been a 6 year old video of Hillary Clinton lending her support to....Heather Mills.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WlFsVi5zuhc

Whilst some may question Obama's choice of friend & local priest, everyone will question the Hillary's judgement over who she considers to be worthy of praise. And if anyone is worthy of praise about anything, it is not Heather Mills!!

This is a little sad as I was just about to suggest that Hillary could possible start to use a new campaign slogan, that re-worked the saying "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" - something like "A bird in the House is worth two x George Bush", but now I won't even bother.

Macca's "dame" does her nut!

And so, the judge has finally decided that Heather Mills shall recieve the princely sum of c£24million for her four year marriage to Sir Paul McCartney.

Apparently she was asking for £125m and he had offerred £16m, therefore whichever you cut it, the settlement is far more in line with what was offerred as opposed to what was sought.

This reminded me of the Mastercard "Priceless" adverts - one of which described a young woman's "Favorite Things" and their price. The advert can be see at the above link, but was supported by the following commentary: -

Riding boots - $600

Vintage helmet - $129

Dive mask - $125

Zero gravity flight - $3,700

Fencing foil - $97

Singing lessons - $183

Getting the most out of life - "Priceless"

Heather Mills' version of the above advert

First class travel - £5m

Luxury holidays for life - £20m

Two Victorian Mansions - £45m

Bodyguard protection from the press - £10m

A staff of 50 to wait on every move - £45m

Convincing the public that you are not a manipulative, money-grabbing, vindictive old "harpie" - "Priceless"

50 not out!

I spent part of this evening laid on a bed surrounded by women in uniform fussing over me and ensuring that I didn't faint, whilst I did "...something amazing" and gave a pint of blood.

In a blood "giving" period of nearly 30 years this was only my 18th pint, and whilst in cricketing parlance this is an annual "strike rate" of 60%, it pales into insignificance with MN&D, who, with an annual "strike rate" of 167% gave her 50th pint.

Nor am I able, were I even willing, to catch her up, as I can see that she has a century in her mind. Whilst presents were, quite rightly, heaped upon MN&D (well a nice badge and a very nice, engraved "Cross" pen)

I was treated somewhat dismissively, and with what some might consider to have been somewhat condescendingly.

"You haven't given for quite a while have you?" one nurse asked, quickly followed up with, "...have you been working abroad? That's usually why men don't give for a while!"

Maybe I'm being a bit paranoid but I think there was a definite emphasis on the word "men", plus the fact that because you have to complete a 96 page medical and personal biographical history before they even prick your finger for a blood sample, they know more about me, my whereabouts, my holidays, my sexuality, than even I do.

They know I haven't been working abroad. So I would have rather they had said what they were thinking and had instead come over to me and said: -

"Good evening Sir, I see you haven't given blood for 4 or 5 years, couldn't you be arsed? We note from our records that the lame excuse you've given previously is that we only come to your town on a Friday evening and you like watching Question of Sport on TV, is that right? If so, would you like us to mark your records as "waster" or "shirker"?

Now, whilst I was being treated in this way, MN&D, was (somewhat worryingly) coming up with a new (?) idea to encourage people to come to the blood doning clinics.

She invented - Slow speed dating. She figured that when you give blood, you spend about 10 minutes lying on a bed next to a stranger who you (well obviously not me or her!) could get to know a lot better.

The advantages over normal speed dating is that you know you have a least one thing in common, AND they've had their medical (and sexual) history checked out in the 96 page questionnaire. Now when I say that this notion came to MN&D this evening...I'm not so sure.

Her idea did seem quite well "honed". What has she been getting up to on her many visits? Never mind the score of 50 not out, has anyone been trying to bowl this maiden over?

Accidents do happen

I should make it clear that this entry in no way relates to the previous blog concerning the Catholic Church's revised list of sins nor its negative stance on contraception.

It could refer to Alistair Darling - although doesn't - as I believe in producing blogs slightly longer than two words.

"Accidents do happen - Alistair Darling"

does seem somewhat uncharitable, although after yesterday's Budget - TOTALLY DESERVED!!!! I want to drink AND drive, albeit clearly not within close succession, and HE has made it even more expensive to do so.

But, as I said this is not about he who shall be called, "The Badger" (see previous blog - "Should the badger be culled?").

In fact it relates to Alexander Martin-Sklan who lost his £300,000 compensation battle with M & S after claiming he slipped on a grape!

Mr Martin-Sklan, 55, an accountant was also ordered to pay £15,000 of the retailer's legal costs as a High Court judge told him: "Accidents do happen."

He had claimed he developed "deep depression" after slipping and tearing a thigh tendon in the fall. However, I think it far more likely that he developed deep depression because of the ridicule that he must surely have received from all and sundry when they realised that he was suing M&S for tripping over a grape.

Mr Martin-Sklan had asked for £315,815 in damages, (I personally think that by not simply claiming £300,000, he was trying to prove that he was a proper Accountant & had actually worked his losses out!! Wrong!!!) claiming that the psychological and physical effects of his accident had blighted his accountancy business and left him unable to play tennis or football.

This man is neither safe to play any kind of sport due to his total lack of balance and co-ordination, nor should he be an Accountant as his sums just don't add up!

Now I should add, in my usual self deprecating manner, that today I was in fact the victim of as serious an accident as Martin Grapeman, in that whilst attempting to eat my lunch at my desk I stabbed myself with a baguette and made my lip bleed. I should also add that it was a particularly crusty baguette and that I was clearly struggling with the co-ordination required with eating - open mouth, then put food in mouth - is a far better sequence than the one I managed but...it really hurt!!!

Is it because I'm black?

It is clear that the comments of Geraldine Ferraro when she claimed that Barack Obama was "...only successful because he was black", have been heavily criticised, and have resulted in her having to resign from the Clinton campaign team.

However, doesn't this signify progress in a world that has too much discrimination? (whether on the grounds of race, sex, sexuality, disability etc etc).

When Ferraro said "If he was a white man, he would not be in this position", the implication was that he was "lucky" to be black.

Now I'm not sure that luck had a lot to do with it. More a case of genetics and black parents I would have thought.

But "lucky" to be black? It's not long ago that such a comment would have been inconceivable. To suggest that somebody was at an advantage because they were black, would have been considered (if there were such a word) oxymoronic!

Maybe, and I realise this is a controversial thing to say, just maybe, he is ahead in the polls because he is better than the opposition! Or would such a comment be considered to be sexist?

It's a sin....apparently

Whilst not wanting to annoy or upset anybody who is a devout believer of their respective religious faith, but I was somewhat perturbed by the Roman Catholic church's updating of its list of mortal sins yesterday, which now include 21st century issues such as pollution and genetic experimentation.

Whilst not technically governed by their rules, not being a "club" member, I was always reasonably comfortable with the concept of traditional mortal sins - that is, those which break the Ten Commandments and include murder and adultery.

It seems "reasonable" to me that committing such sins warrants the need for "club" members to confess such gross misdemeanours to a priest and if not absolved or forgiven, will lead (this may be a little on the harsh side) to a person's soul being condemned to hell.

The situation is no longer quite so clear as mortal sins will now include: -

• genetic experimentation,
• tampering with the order of nature,
• pollution,
• social injustice,
• causing poverty,
• excessive wealth, and drug abuse

Now - albeit not for the first time - I am a little confused.

I had thought that the Catholic Church was against contraception (their own version of a non-proliferation treaty perhaps?), and yet they now add to the list of mortal sins, a whole heap of "stuff" that is child-related, and therefore exacerbated by their previous stance.

Having kids is in fact a form of genetic experimentation, and despite my best efforts (I really was trying!) our children have some of my traits - although thankfully for them, not too many!

Also, there is a cycle which lasts for many, many years which goes something like this: -

Drugs - during birth, Ethonox - after birth, Kalpol - poverty - years of room tidying up the pollution caused by "the little ones", in the face of toddler/child/student protestations of "...tampering with the order of nature" - drugs (prescribed obviously, but usually Valium or some other anti-depressant!) - post liberation feelings of excessive wealth, only to be quickly replaced by the realisation that all things - like one's children - are relative!

So it will be that in future Roman Catholics men will have to confess to their priest, something along the lines of "Forgive me father for I have sinned...I am a Father".

The priest on the other hand should not be a father as he should have sworn an oath of celibacy!

Confusing isn't it?

Time and how to waste it

The title of today's "blog" was kindly (another example of British sarcasm) suggested by 斯蒂夫, my cousin's husband (and therefore not a "blood" relative!), and for those who have read the previous blogs, you will understand that he is not the Chinese one.

I believe that the inference in his suggestion was that this blog was an example of "time wasted", but I'm sure that I can find better examples...

For example - this week was the anniversary of the birth of Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone - but after devoting most of his life to this task.....who did he ring????

Another - the education of George W Bush. It is alleged that when advised that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq, his face went ashen, before he asked - "How many is a Brazilian?"

The world's deadliest virus

Sometimes it is hard to explain the female brain - although a valiant attempt was made in my previous blog entry - "Compexity of women's mind identified..."

As constant users of the Internet and email we, as a couple, are always keen to ensure that we don't open up any suspicious looking "attachments", even when their titles belie the dangers that may lurk within.

I was therefore somewhat amazed yesterday when MN&D (My nearest and dearest - and I'm not just referring to proximity & cost here!) opened an email attachment entitled "World's deadliest virus".

It actually turned out to be a public service video, highlighting the significant dangers of the common cold - to men, and is well worth a watch! Enjoy!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=60jj4hZw7ds&feature=related

A case of mistaken identity

This week we have seen another example of political correctness gone mad, with a small primary school publishing a "doctored" photo of some of their pupils on the Internet, to avoid it getting into the wrong hands.

This action has been criticised by many groups and led to complaints from all and sundry.

One particularly forceful group of complaints came from the Smiley family - pictured above. They stated that the school's actions had ridiculed their - less than normal - appearance, and would now not be able to go out in public without people recognising them!

See also previous article in 2006

Lies, damned lies and...statistics!

There is a well known fact that "1 in 5 of the world's population is Chinese", so that if you are a family of 4, then you each of you know where (and how tall) you stand, whereas if you are in a family of 5...!

Well, who is it?

I have cousins in America, and one of the families consists of Ang, Gabs, Phil, Jamie & and 斯蒂夫! Clearly, well statistically, one of them is Chinese, but I'm not quite sure which one...possibly Phil!

That is the problem with statistics. They rarely prove anything, but they are presented as though they prove everything.

Today's London Evening Standard statistical offering was:-

"...£40 a mile on the Tube...it's cheaper to fly to New York..."

Clearly, given that I travel on the Tube for 260 days a year, and for a journey that is most probably 4 miles each way, if the latter statistic is true, my annual season ticket would be £83,000 on top of the cost of getting to London.

Whilst expensive, it is somewhat less than this cost!

And then...and then, on the opposite page to the above article there sits an article under the heading of: -

"Greenpeace fury over jet's US flight with just five people"

Apparently, an American Airlines flight from Chicago to Heathrow flew 5,000 miles with just 5 passengers on board, using 22,000 gallons of fuel, at a "real"cost of about £22k per passenger.

It was for the above reasons, that on arriving in London this morning, I decided not to take either the Tube or the plane to the office and took a quick trip down the Thames on a boat at a cost of £2.60!! Bargain.

Happy Mother's Day

I don't want to spoil this traditional day of celebration / American day of commercialism but.... as we were shopping today in (creepy) Crawley, we walked past an Ann Summers shop.

Whilst I don't normally look in the window of this shop (honest!) I couldn't help noticing a sign that mentioned Mother's Day "gifts"...

Given the type of products sold in this shop who would ever buy anything in this shop for their mother on Mother's Day?

A little bit of trouble with wind!

There appears to be a growing number of "air disaster" stories in the news of late, with either planes falling out of the skies or pilots falling off their trolleys.

First there was the BA pilot named Coward, who let his first officer carry out a dangerous landing at Heathrow; then there was the pilot who went slightly mad whilst flying from the USA to London, and had to be carried out of the cockpit in "restraints", shouting that he wanted to speak to God!; there was also the recent example of the pilot who sadly died on the flight from London to Turkey; and today we saw the case of a Lufthansa pilot with a severe case of wind.

If you are thinking of flying anywhere soon you might not want to watch the attached video, but I can assure you that everyone arrived safely, with nobody hurt at all.

Also remember that you stand more chance getting kicked to death by a donkey than you do dying in an air crash - although as they also say, the chances of 300 people getting kicked to death by 300 donkeys on a airport runway, is slightly less likely!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_7270000/newsid_7274600/7274640.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm&asb=1&news=1&bbcws=1

UK schools in child labour outrage

Whilst we have often heard of the practice of "child labour" in Third World countries, thankfully it is far less common in either the EU or UK.

However, I heard today that a school in West Sussex was employing children as young as 12 as classroom teaching assistants!

Such practices are seemingly not even being kept particularly secret, as an inside source revealed to me: -

"...She was very open about her birthday and the fact that she was only 12 today. She even brought a cake and balloons into the school for both the teaching staff and children to share."

It is important that this matter is investigated further by the local education authority, because however mature and hard-working this person is, it cannot be morally right that she is being exploited in this way.

Whilst there is a shortage of classroom assistants, is there no other way to solve the situation?

THIS IS TRUE STORY!!

(What I don't understand is the fact that the "child" in question is apparently married with children of her own! How does that work?

Bush Calls Surveillance Bill an ‘Urgent Priority’

The New York Times today reported that: -

"...Using some of his toughest language in weeks, President Bush prodded Congress on Thursday to pass his preferred version of surveillance legislation, asserting that every day of delay could put the country in danger..."

Now, call me a cynical non Republican (& therefore slightly democratic) Brit, but I was sort of assuming that "every day of delay" between now and the Presidential elections was putting the country (sorry your country - the USofA) in danger. Can't you folks just break tradition (it's not as though you haven't broken things before, nor for that matter, is your tradition very long standing) for once and bring the elections forward?

Dublya also said that: -

• "...Without the cooperation of private companies, we cannot protect our country from terrorist attack,” and
• "...Big new taxes on the major oil companies would backfire, driving up energy costs"

Now, clearly I am not an expert on these matters but, am I not right in thinking that: -

1. despite the atrocities and war crimes carried out by Iraq in the Iran:Iraq war between 1983 to 1985, the Reagan administration went to great lengths to gain Saddam Hussein’s favor.
2. Their goal at the time was to have built a gas pipeline from the Euphrates River, in Iraq, to the Gulf of Aqaba, in Jordan. The company planning to gain this contract for the billion dollar pipeline’s construction: Bechtel Corporation.
3. Over two decades later, and after a small falling out with Saddam, it is the same companies Bechtel and Halliburton, which benefited from the post-war reconstruction contracts in Iraq worth upwards of $900 million.

and that the common denominator in each of the above three issues is Dick Cheney, the former CEO of Halliburton and current VP. So when Dubblya talks of needing to keep private companies & specifical private major oil companies on side, it is simply so that his friends and colleagues, Dick & Donald can benefit financially!!

(Please note new legal disclaimer where I have disassociated myself from all the comments that I have written about anybody)

So when Dubblya also said that it was “dangerous, just dangerous” for the legislation to be delayed, and pledged to continue speaking out about the issue until the American people understand, I think it is about the most hypocritical thing that I've ever heard.

For Dubblya to continue speaking about anything is likely to reduce, not increase the understanding of the American people. For example, as he has previously said: -

1. "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."- August 30, 2000
2. "And there's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail."- October 4, 2001
3. "Teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."- Feb. 21, 2001
4. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"- January 11, 2000
5. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."- January 3, 2000

Not wanting to rub George 's nose in it, nor am I saying that it is necessarily a good thing (actually I think I am saying it is a good thing - unless you ever do something wrong) but, the Big Brother nightmare of George Orwell's 1984 has become a reality - in the shadow of the author's former London home.

It may have taken a little longer than he predicted, but Orwell's vision of a society where cameras and computers spy on every person's movements is now here.

According to the latest studies, Britain has a staggering 4.2million CCTV cameras - one for every 14 people in the country - and 20 per cent of cameras globally. It has been calculated that each person is caught on camera an average of 300 times daily.

Use of spy cameras in modern-day Britain is now a chilling mirror image of Orwell's fictional world, created in the post-war Forties in a fourth-floor flat overlooking Canonbury Square in Islington, North London.

On the wall outside his former residence - flat number 27B - where Orwell lived until his death in 1950, an historical plaque commemorates the anti-authoritarian author. And within 200 yards of the flat, there are 32 CCTV cameras, scanning every move.

London is rocked by the biggest quake for 24 years

Oh my god!

Could this signal the end of the world. Had London been razed to the ground? (I've always thought that this "sounds" and odd expression!). Would I witness a wasteland of devastation upon arrival in London this morning?
Would the trains even be able to get there?

PLEASE NOTE - YOU HAVE NOW BEEN READING FOR FIFTEEN SECONDS!
It must have been bad as "...Thousands call(ed) 999 as tremors felt...".

In addition Kiran Sekhon, (who incidentally must be a right wuss) said that he: - "...woke up absolutely terrified".

But, no scene of devastation was found. Mainly because the tremor which at its epicentre only measured 5.2 on the Richter scale, only "...LASTED FOR UP TO 15 SECONDS"!!!

So I must apologise to my dear American Blogees who may read this entry.Some of us do know that when compared with quakes along the San Andreas fault, this UK offering was akin to being tickled with a small feather, but heh we don't get out much, and you also have to remember that when London's Millennium bridge across the Thames was opened in 2000, it had to be closed after one day, so that they could spend £5m repairing it - because it wobbled a bit, as shown in the following link: -!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQK21572oSU&feature=related

By comparison, a real wobbly bridge can be seen in the following link: -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcoHJHo8d6k&feature=related

China in Olympics pollution drive

The above "headline" appeared on today's BBC News Website above an article which detailed how air quality is a major concern for organisers of the Olympics.

Whilst I'm sure this should be so, either the headline writers have once again chosen to mislead its readers, or the initiative is somewhat misguided.

Driving is the last thing that they should be doing to reduce pollution. "China in Olympics pollution walk" would be a far better strategy.

It reminded me of how my present company used to refer to the 'time period' that senior managers had to keep their company cars for, before getting a new one as - "the replacement cycle". I said that if I was only going to get a replacement cycle, I would keep the old car!!!!

Sometimes an explanation is completely unnecessary!

Not wanting to cause offence or cast aspersions against those that may be "cerebrally" or "communicatively" challenged, I will let each of you decide the exact content of the conversation between the individual who ordered the cake in the picture below, and the supermarket employee who took the telephone order.

But this is the end result!!!

Another useful invention - Dragon's Den here I come!

I have mentioned previously (The advantages of flying - 10 November 2006) that whilst flying is clearly a faster mode of travel than some you could mention, published “flight times” can be somewhat misleading.

The scheduled flight time from Sharm el Sheikh to London Gatwick is only 5 hours 25 mins, and yet our total “door-to-door” journey time was almost double at 10 hours!

This non-productive time was made up of the following elements: -

Hotel to Airport - 25 mins
Check in & passport control - 25 mins
Waiting time in Airport - 1 hour 15 mins
Boarding plane - 15 mins
Wait on runway at Sharm el Sheikh - 10 mins
Flight time - 5 hours 20 mins
Unboarding plane - 10 mins
Waiting in baggage reclaim at Gatwick - 1 hour 25 mins!
Collecting car from long stay car park - 15 mins
Car journey home - 25 mins

There appear to be two well defined elements associated to “waiting time” that can make it “feel” as though that time is passing even more slowly than it actually is.

The first is when nothing appears to be happening, and the second is when the waiting occurs in the middle of the night.

Having arrived back at Gatwick bang (more of a bump than a bang actually) on time at 1 o’clock in the morning, the (almost) one and a half wait for our luggage seemed almost twice as long.

After an hour’s wait, a BAA employee decided to undertake an act, which in another situation might have been classed as an act of bravery. In front of 160 tired, and somewhat annoyed passengers he (and this is where the de-FIB-rillator was required) lied!

“…Ladies and gentlemen. For those of you waiting for the baggage from flight XL6091 from Sharm el Sheikh, I must apologise for the delay in this arriving in the baggage reclaim hall. This delay is due to the late arrival of the flight….”

To a man, woman & child (Even the Whistler who had the cheek to travel back on our flight, but the sense to sit 20 rows away, and out of earshot!), the assembled throng shouted “…it wasn’t late!!!” but the fib had been made (and was even repeated about 20 minutes later).

Had we been able to use the de-fib-rillator (which is another instrument that I have invented which is a cross between a medical defibrillator and a polygraph test), which if it can be applied quickly enough can result in the truth being told rather than the pack of lies that in some cases appear to spew from the mouths of certain individuals.

In this case, had the de-fib-rillator been applied in time the above announcement may have been as follows: -

“…Oi, you lot. Due to the fact that there aren’t enough baggage handlers employed at night, ‘cause it costs more due to having to pay them overtime, they can’t deal with more than one plane at a time. In fact the slightly early arrival of your plane co-incided with one of their 8 tea breaks, and we’ll be lucky to get your luggage onto the conveyor belts this side of Easter. Any further complaints regarding these delays will be conveyed to the baggage handlers directly, who will, if possible, then attempt to place your luggage on the next available long-haul flight out of Gatwick, so if I was you, I’d stand still and shut up! At least you’ve had a holiday. Thank you for your patience! "

With apologies to Egypt!

There are many reasons why people travel.

To experience different cultures by visiting far off lands and the treasures they contain, be they archaeological, artistic or natural.

To taste new foods; see different ways of living; to see local people in their local environment.

This is what holidays and travelling are about. They help to expand the mind.

I have long criticised George Dubblya, and his "fellow merkins" (albeit only those that don't have a passport and aren't related to me) who take a very insular look on the world, which for many is an "unknown" world if it is not within the US boundaries.

All that being said, we have just spent a week in the Hyatt Regency Resort in (allegedly) Sharm el Sheikh, Egypt. I say allegedly, because it could have been anywhere in the world. Well anywhere in the world that is warm in February and has fantastic snorkeling!

We didn't venture out of the resort to do or see anything local, and the only locals we spoke to were Hyatt employees, each of whom would say "my pleasure" when asked to do anything.

So whilst a fantastic holiday, please don't ask me anything about the area or the people or anything other than the hotel!

Groundhog day?

Having seen Ray yesterday, we made an early decision not to see Gym today, and as a consequence I decided that I would only have two pancakes and maple syrup for breakfast, instead of the usual three(Admittedly in addition to fruit & yoghurt, orange juice, a Spanish omelette, and fresh bread!), as I don't want to put on too much weight.

I had thought that all the exercise that I'd been getting snorkeling would be sufficient to counteract any minimal increase in the amount of food I was eating, but a 'certain person' soon put me right on that count.

First she implied that floating on the surface of the sea, in what must be one of the most buoyant areas of the world, was unlikely to burn off more than a handful of calories, and then she took issue with my reference to "...minimal increase"!

Anyway after another day of such "exercise" we decided that we would dine slightly "up market" in the 'Cascades' open air Restaurant. I had thought that eating in Egypt would be reasonably "cheap" in comparison with the UK, but our meal was almost £90 for the two of us, and I even had to cook my own steak on a hot stone slab!

However, it was a lovely meal, and a lovely setting, so it was worth it. So good in fact that we booked a table for tomorrow night as well!

When one pays this much for a meal in a country where we are told that the average monthly wage is only £30, it puts things into perspective somewhat.

For the 'average' Egyptian - according to the Egyptian Gazette, which I have been receiving daily - even basic Egyptian foodstuffs are becoming too expensive. A traditional lunch-time meal, which sounded a bit like a freshly made 'Pot Noodle' was becoming too expensive to buy - because it had increased in price to 4 Egyptian pounds - or 40 UK pence!

Maybe I'll only have one pancake tomorrow!

Adventures under an azure sky

Apparently there are no weathermen in Sharm el Sheikh, because the weather varies so little.

Today, the sky was once again the colour of azure. How do I know? The following photographic evidence and a Dulux colour chart prove my point.



For those interested in buying the colour it is Azure Sky 2 from the 'Fresh Blues' Dulux range, available at all good stockists.

Today, was broadly similar to the previous days, with snorkeling being the main focus.

Whilst, I had snorkeled yesterday, there were times - especially when looking down at the seabed some sixty feet below me - when I didn't feel as confident as I would have liked.

But did I panic? Of course I did... if only a little.

However, today I was determined to stay out longer and remain calm, despite the somewhat choppy seas.

Perhaps a little morbidly I had already considered that one of life's great ironies is that somebody who gets into difficulties at sea, fears sinking to the bottom (i.e. drowning) and yet, if they do drown, their body floats to the top!

Today, I was calmness personified, and swam for about an hour taking in the wonders of the undersea world of the Red Sea.

Two major finds were had. Firstly. I got to meet Ray! He had tried to cover himself in sand and remained fairly motionless, but his blue spots shone through.

Secondly, we saw (admittedly because another snorkeler pointed it out to us) a lionfish!

Now I am sure that Confucius would have had a saying along the lines of "...it is a wise man who knows what he doesn't know and who doesn't try to touch a lionfish unless he truly knows that it is safe to do so!"

But I didn't read up on Confucius this morning and in fact, tried to touch every fish I saw. Fortunately I was unsuccessful on every attempt. Especially fortunate in relation to the lionfish as the Internet (which doesn't work very well underwater!) states: -

"...Lion-fish have venomous fin spines that can produce painful puncture wounds. Fatalities, however, are rare."

And I was worried about drowning!!!!

Walk like an Egyptian....blog like an Egyptian

Researching Egyptian culture before we left home I referred to one of the most up to date pieces of research that I could find, namely the Bangles hit (?) from 1985 - Walk like an Egyptian.

All the old paintings on the tombs

They do the sand dance don't you know

If they move too quick (oh whey oh)

They're falling down like a domino

All the bazaar men by the Nile

They got the money on a bet

Gold crocodiles (oh whey oh)

They snap their teeth on your cigarette

Foreign types with the hookah pipes say

Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh

Walk like an Egyptian

Having been here for 3 days now, most of the Egyptians that I've seen, actually walk quite normally.

Whilst 'normal' is a relative term, (and I have plenty of relatives who aren't!) in comparison to most of the holidaymakers at this resort hotel - normal is the way that they walk.

The rest of us, walk somewhat gingerly, not being used to this summer sun, in February, and suffering somewhat from sunburn.

However, give George Dublya and his cronies a few more years to speed up global warming and we'll all be walking like Egyptians!

Has anybody seen Ray?

Despite having only been in Sharm el Sheikh for 2 full days, we have already developed a structure for each day.

1. Exercise
2. Eat
3. Beach, Snorkel, Beach, Snorkel etc etc
4. Spa
5. Eat
6. Sleep

First thing in the morning we pay a visit to the gym. This is clearly not driven by any great fondness for physical activity, but more in hope that a week of hotel food (and drink) won't leave us the size of a proverbial brick out-house, or whatever the Egyptian equivalent is!

My time on the treadmill is spent watching the calorie counter to see how many calories I will soon be able to replace at breakfast. Today it was only 216!

216 calories was not enough - especially in view of the fact that there are two breakfast chefs who make omelette's and pancakes to order, the former who has all the style of a cocktail waiter, and throws the fresh omelette from the pan, over his head, to the plate.

I convince myself that neither, nor both of the omellete (singular) or pancakes (plural), can equate to 216 calories.

Others - mentioning no names - are more restrained.

After breakfast we head down to the beach - not for long - just 5 hours or so, sunbathing, snorkeling and drinking the odd glass of beer.

Today, whilst hot. it was a bit breezy, but despite this we both saw another amazing array of fish.

The coral shelf is only about 50 feet from shore before it drops away to a depth of about 60 feet.

Today's special "find" - although not by me - was a blue spotted (sting)ray. I thought that my good friend and associate was shouting "...I've found Ray, I've found Ray", and, not knowing either who Ray was, or what he was doing at the bottom of the Red Sea, I was initially somewhat confused. "...I'll show you where he is," she said, pointing out across the reef. "...Go and see if you can find him."

Now, the reef is quite big and the Red Sea somewhat bigger. The tide was quite strong, and my swimming quite weak. Add to this the fact that Ray, is only 14 inches across, and you can imagine that this task was almost mission impossible (cue music). No, it was mission impossible, as I "f,f,f,failed..."

What made it even more frustrating was that having swum back 100 yards against the tide to hand back the snorkel (we were sharing!) "Marina" only went and found Ray again!

Not that I'm competitive but tomorrow I'm going in search of a Great White Shark!

It's a little bit monotonous!

This holiday is somewhat monotonous - the sky is constantly blue, it never rains, it's always hot (but not too hot), the hotel is excellent, and the snorkeling is absolutely fantastic. (In fact the snorkeling is better than the Barrier Reef, Fiji & Madeira.)

A few photos may demonstrate how awful this place is to encourage others to avoid it in the future - thereby keeping it relatively quiet for when we want to return again.

Back to the snorkeling - whilst invisible from the surface, despite the crystal clear sea, on our first session of snorkeling we immediately found ourselves just above at least 1,000 bright blue, striped, split tailed "Bigeye Jackfish".

It was just like swimming in the middle of an aquarium - but we were in the middle of the Red Sea!

More of this monotony tomorrow!

We're off to sunny.....Egypt

In life, there appear to be three kinds of people; those who look for trouble or problems; those for whom trouble or problems look for them; and those who pass through life not noticing the trouble and strife all around them, whether personally caused by them, or others.

I'm not really sure which "type" I am, although had thought I was more likely to fall into the latter category.

As we set off on holiday, I remembered the disparaging comments that I had made when told that we would be flying with XL Airways. Not that I'd personally experienced them before, but had heard of the exploits of friends and colleagues who had been delayed, in some cases considerably, when flying with them, and on more than one occasion.

However, I also realised that such travel woes, for one of these individuals, was not limited to XL Airways, as she had also been delayed by hurricanes in the Caribbean; missed flights in Florida; and rained on in Broadstairs for 15 years running.

In fact, she is so unlucky in her travels that even her Sat Nav has stopped talking to her, after she constantly ignored "him" on one recent journey!

So the journey started with some trepidation on my part. Before we left home I checked on the Internet to see how long the current delay was for our flight. There wasn't any delay. At the airport we bought some books and a paper to read in the check-in queue. But there wasn't a queue as the desk had opened early. The flight boarded on time, actually took off only 7 mins after the designated flight time, and arrived in Sharm el Sheikh 15 minutes early. The plane was a new 737-800, and whilst the legroom was a little limited, the flight couldn't have been much better.

The only thing that spoilt it was Whistler's Mother. I couldn't actually see (or thankfully for him/her reach) Whistler, and could only imagine that he/she must be aged about 4/5 years old. I am also convinced that Whistler had only learned to whistle this morning.

'Lesson One' has obviously only covered the fundamental principles of blowing air through pursed lips, with future lessons planning to develop the art of making it sound tuneful!!

It also appears that Whistler's "teacher's" last words to him/her had been "...now make sure you practice lots on your holiday!". Because, sure as eggs are eggs (I'm not actually sure what else eggs could actually be but...) young Whistler, whistled away for the best part of 4hours!

As for Whistler's mother - she did absolutely nothing, and sat motionless, as though "sitting" for a portrait, throughout the flight.

Had I brought (or for that matter bought) a pair of headphones I could have listened to something to drown out this tuneless drivel, but I had not, and did not (FIVE POUNDS! Why would I want to spend five pounds on a tacky pair of headphones? Now I know why).

As long as I don't see him or hear him again on holiday he may survive his week off school.

One word of warning to anybody facing such a predicament in future. If you don't have any earphones, do NOT put 'tic tacs' in your ears to block out the noise. They may look like earplugs and are about the same size as earplugs, but they are more difficult to remove from your ears (OK impossible to remove from your ears!) than earplugs!

Does anybody know the Egyptian for Accident & Emergency?