Queen tells Gordon Brown to "...Get lost!"

This week the French President - Nicolas Sarkozy - was entertained by the Queen at Windsor Castle as part of his 2-day "state visit".

Part of this "entertainment" was a banquet in St George's Hall at Windsor Castle attended by the British Prime Minister and other dignitaries (sorry that should have read "...Prime Minister and 149 dignitaries").

It was prior to this banquet that our Prime Minister - Gordon Brown - went missing.

Having previously criticised George Bush for not knowing his left from his right, or being able to fight his way out of a paper bag (let alone Vietnam, Korea, Iraq etc) it is only fair that I balance the situation with a suitable "dollop" of scorn on our Gordon.

Getting lost, whilst embarrassing, does not in itself signify a total lack of ability with regards to "running" a country, but sparking a constitutional crisis regarding our dear (quite expensive) Queen is another thing altogether.

How did this happen? Well, when a Downing Street spokesman was asked how Gordon had got lost, the spokesman insisted that Gordon Brown was just "doing what he was told". Therefore by implication the Queen had told him to "Get lost", and Gordon being an obedient soul, did just that.

The video in the link below even shows the Queen being quite amused at Gordon's misfortune. It is a very short clip, and the Queen can be heard saying to Princess Anne: "...The prime minister got lost. He disappeared the wrong way....at the crucial moment." At the end of the clip you can also hear Sarkosy starting to call out to Gordon...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_7310000/newsid_7316700/7316744.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm&asb=1&news=1&bbcws=1

"...Gordon!" Sarkosy shouts, just as the clip ends, but those who were there state that he then said "...Gordon! You Loser! Why are you sat behind a bunch of flowers? You were supposed to be sat next to Her Majesty, but we didn't know where you were...so I sat there!!!"

The beautiful game?

Football is often described by some as "...The beautiful game". However, having watched the England v France last night there were at least two reasons why I think such a phrase is inappropriate.

Firstly, the way that England played was anything but beautiful.

Secondly....Joleon Lescott! (No further explanation is really required, as can be evidence by the picture below left.)

Not only is he "no great shakes" as a footballer, but he is the closest living thing on this planet to Worf, the Klingon from Star Trek!

Actually, having seen both pictures I now realise that the above statement is rather unkind...to the Klingon!!!

To err is human...but to "misspeak" takes a Clinton

There appears to be a certain mental condition or aberration that exists within the Clinton family that results in them having a clear grasp on reality.

Back in 1998, clenching his jaw and pointing his finger for emphasis, President Clinton denied, in far more forceful terms than before, that he had had a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky and coached her to lie about it.

"I want you to listen to me," Clinton said, as he glared at cameras. "I'm going to say this again, I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time -- never. These allegations are false. And I need to go back to work for the American people."

At the time I thought that Bill had been "lying". Now I realise I was w..w..wrong!

Hilary Clinton has recently claimed, in a recent description of a 1996 trip to Bosnia, that she landed amid sniper fire. Mrs Clinton did this when she gave a foreign policy speech designed to demonstrate she is more battle-ready to be commander-in-chief on "day one" than her less experienced rival, Barack Obama.

Her recollection of her landing near Tuzla was nothing if not vivid. "I remember landing under sniper fire," she said. "There was supposed to be some kind of greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."

The above picture of Hillary and her daughter Chelsea clearly shows them both running with their heads down, and had the resolution of the picture been even better, presumably we would actually be able to see the sniper bullets to which she referred!

Or maybe we wouldn't because CBS News has now aired footage showing her calmly alighting from her military aircraft and indeed participating in an arrival ceremony. At this point I once again assumed that she had been lying in her recent speech.

Seemingly, once again I was w...w...wrong!

It appears that neither Hillary nor Bill were "lying", it is just that they both "misspoke"!

I had never heard of this term before, but given that it has been used by some of the most powerful people in the world, I guess it must be OK. It is also comforting to know that I have personally never lied about anything in my life.

But as for "misspeaking"? Possibly!

Never mind Easter - show him your cross!

I am pleased to say that I did not embarrass myself this Easter, or at least not as much as I nearly did a few years back.

Whilst I am not particularly religious, I do understand the general concept of Easter, and whilst having some sympathy with the views of comedian Alan Carr, ("...a long weekend is great but I can't help thinking that if Jesus had just held on a bit longer we could have had a full week's holiday!") I do realise that this does tend to trivialise this important religious festival.

Neither was this (i.e. the trivialisation point) my intent a few years back when on this same weekend I noticed a family friend, Phillip, walking through our village.

At the time (and I should point out that I don't have 20:20 vision) I was in my car and Phillip appeared to be struggling to carry a large wooden object, and was not helped by the fact that a large group of fellow villagers who were walking behind him, were offering him no assistance whatsoever!

"Shall I stop and give him a hand?" I asked MN&D, to which she gave me a withering look and asked "Don't you know what he's doing?".

I think this may have been a rhetorical question, because as I started to reply, that "Yes, he's struggling to carry that big wooden cross..." I suddenly realised that Phillip, the village's Vicar, was staging a re-enactment of Christ's journey.

I also fully appreciate that had this modern day re-enactment concluded with with "Christ" arriving at the crucifixion site, in the front of a Mondeo estate, with his cross hanging out of the back of the said car, that some of the religious and symbolic significance may have been lost.

However, whilst my willingness to help was somewhat inappropriate, at least my heart was in the right place!

Holly Willoughby - what is a breat?

For those of you who have not previously watched ITV's Dancing on Ice, Holly Willoughby is one the two presenters, the other being Philip Schofield.

Whilst still learning the trade, Holly makes a good co-presenter as she is young, pretty and "well-proportioned", if you like that sort of thing! Clearly not everybody does, as ITV received complaints from viewers one week when a particular dress that Holly - who is a curvy lass - was wearing, as they thought that it was too low cut.

As a fan of her "presenting style", I was drawn to the news-stands in the local newsagents yesterday where that well known and celebrated magazine "Love it!" (No, I hadn't heard of it either) had the headline "Holly Willoughby - Tormented by being 'thick'".
I was so deeply moved by the thought that this poor young girl could actually be living a life of torment that I took a peek inside the magazine, to learn more about her "troubles".

It was on these inside pages that I read with both shock and horror the headline and sub heading below!
Now, whilst somewhat distracted by the photos of Holly, I did in fact manage to read the article which described how Holly had suffered at school due to her having dyslexia, which went undiagnosed for a long time. (For those of you thinking that this may have been the reason why Holly didn't sell her story to 'KO!' magazine you should be ashamed of yourselves!)

Once her "condition" was recognised, Holly received additional support at school and soon after her results improved.

After her schooldays, Holly became a lingerie model prior to becoming a TV presenter, and remains proud that her figure is "...all her own", and has not been enhanced by surgery.

However, given the content of the article, I think that it is almost criminal that the spelling was not checked to avoid the fact that the subheading states that Holly said that: -

"...at least her breats are her own"

Are they "...taking the mick" out of her condition? If not, what are breats?

"Stwffiedig" at 'r Cymraeg...dwywaith

Whilst this has been a short working week, it has been noticeable for the fact that the Welsh have conspired to spoil both ends of it for Englishmen (and women) like me. Not that there should be too many English women like me, but hopefully you get my drift!

Firstly, last Saturday, they played their little hearts out in the final match of their Rugby Six Nations campaign beating France to win the "Grand Slam" and denying the English team their rightful place on the podium.

Today, I had to visit the Principality on business, and set off this morning with my Passport in my pocket to ensure that I would be able to get back into England when my meeting was over.

The first issue that I had was that I actually had to pay to get in - £5.30 it cost - about the cost of going to see a good film, and if I had been going to see a good film it would have been entitled "A dreary day in the valleys".

Having just about got over the indignation of this charge I drove into Cardiff for my meeting at Cardiff University, where, the first issue that was raised (which I can assure you had absolutely nothing to do with the business reason for the meeting) was the fact that Wales had won the "Grand Slam"! Not wanting to be churlish, I demonstrated what a good sport I was and said "Did they?...I'm not really interested in Rugby. Is that like winning the Rugby World Cup, because I think I read that England nearly did that twice in a row didn't they?"

The meeting was much shorter than I thought it would be for some reason.

I then headed back to the multi-storey car park where I'd left my car on the top level. I took my ticket and placed it in the pay-machine. Up popped the price - EIGHT POUNDS! I'd only been there in total about two and a half hours.

Reluctantly I put my credit card in the slot to pay this extortionate fee. The machine chugged...gulped...swallowed and then refused to give me either my ticket or my credit card back. I pressed the intercom that took me through to a NCP Car Park customer service (Hah!) operative and explained my predicament. I'll get somebody down to see you shortly.

"Shortly" is an interesting word! Now, I blame the fact that 'Doctor Who' is filmed in Cardiff, as "shortly" clearly has a different meaning for these "Time Traveller" influenced folk, as I had to wait in front of the now 'Out of Order' pay machine for over half an hour!

This delay was just enough to ensure that as I eventually left Cardiff, I hit the rush hour traffic and got caught up in all of the traffic jams on the way back to Sussex as people set of on their Easter breaks.

So it was that I was "stwffiedig" at 'r Cymraeg...dwywaith (which I think, and hope means "Stuffed by the Welsh...twice")!

Clinton loses chance of Democratic Party nomination

Whilst I clearly don't want to tempt fate, it appears as though Barack Obama, has just sealed the Democratic Party nomination by doing....nothing.

It will not be his momentous "race" speech that will do it, even though the strategy of testing the response of the nature ahead of the Philly primary, was a great tactic, as he had little to lose, as he is currently 12 points behind Hills.

What has just secured him the victory has in fact been a 6 year old video of Hillary Clinton lending her support to....Heather Mills.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WlFsVi5zuhc

Whilst some may question Obama's choice of friend & local priest, everyone will question the Hillary's judgement over who she considers to be worthy of praise. And if anyone is worthy of praise about anything, it is not Heather Mills!!

This is a little sad as I was just about to suggest that Hillary could possible start to use a new campaign slogan, that re-worked the saying "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" - something like "A bird in the House is worth two x George Bush", but now I won't even bother.

Macca's "dame" does her nut!

And so, the judge has finally decided that Heather Mills shall recieve the princely sum of c£24million for her four year marriage to Sir Paul McCartney.

Apparently she was asking for £125m and he had offerred £16m, therefore whichever you cut it, the settlement is far more in line with what was offerred as opposed to what was sought.

This reminded me of the Mastercard "Priceless" adverts - one of which described a young woman's "Favorite Things" and their price. The advert can be see at the above link, but was supported by the following commentary: -

Riding boots - $600

Vintage helmet - $129

Dive mask - $125

Zero gravity flight - $3,700

Fencing foil - $97

Singing lessons - $183

Getting the most out of life - "Priceless"

Heather Mills' version of the above advert

First class travel - £5m

Luxury holidays for life - £20m

Two Victorian Mansions - £45m

Bodyguard protection from the press - £10m

A staff of 50 to wait on every move - £45m

Convincing the public that you are not a manipulative, money-grabbing, vindictive old "harpie" - "Priceless"

50 not out!

I spent part of this evening laid on a bed surrounded by women in uniform fussing over me and ensuring that I didn't faint, whilst I did "...something amazing" and gave a pint of blood.

In a blood "giving" period of nearly 30 years this was only my 18th pint, and whilst in cricketing parlance this is an annual "strike rate" of 60%, it pales into insignificance with MN&D, who, with an annual "strike rate" of 167% gave her 50th pint.

Nor am I able, were I even willing, to catch her up, as I can see that she has a century in her mind. Whilst presents were, quite rightly, heaped upon MN&D (well a nice badge and a very nice, engraved "Cross" pen)

I was treated somewhat dismissively, and with what some might consider to have been somewhat condescendingly.

"You haven't given for quite a while have you?" one nurse asked, quickly followed up with, "...have you been working abroad? That's usually why men don't give for a while!"

Maybe I'm being a bit paranoid but I think there was a definite emphasis on the word "men", plus the fact that because you have to complete a 96 page medical and personal biographical history before they even prick your finger for a blood sample, they know more about me, my whereabouts, my holidays, my sexuality, than even I do.

They know I haven't been working abroad. So I would have rather they had said what they were thinking and had instead come over to me and said: -

"Good evening Sir, I see you haven't given blood for 4 or 5 years, couldn't you be arsed? We note from our records that the lame excuse you've given previously is that we only come to your town on a Friday evening and you like watching Question of Sport on TV, is that right? If so, would you like us to mark your records as "waster" or "shirker"?

Now, whilst I was being treated in this way, MN&D, was (somewhat worryingly) coming up with a new (?) idea to encourage people to come to the blood doning clinics.

She invented - Slow speed dating. She figured that when you give blood, you spend about 10 minutes lying on a bed next to a stranger who you (well obviously not me or her!) could get to know a lot better.

The advantages over normal speed dating is that you know you have a least one thing in common, AND they've had their medical (and sexual) history checked out in the 96 page questionnaire. Now when I say that this notion came to MN&D this evening...I'm not so sure.

Her idea did seem quite well "honed". What has she been getting up to on her many visits? Never mind the score of 50 not out, has anyone been trying to bowl this maiden over?

Accidents do happen

I should make it clear that this entry in no way relates to the previous blog concerning the Catholic Church's revised list of sins nor its negative stance on contraception.

It could refer to Alistair Darling - although doesn't - as I believe in producing blogs slightly longer than two words.

"Accidents do happen - Alistair Darling"

does seem somewhat uncharitable, although after yesterday's Budget - TOTALLY DESERVED!!!! I want to drink AND drive, albeit clearly not within close succession, and HE has made it even more expensive to do so.

But, as I said this is not about he who shall be called, "The Badger" (see previous blog - "Should the badger be culled?").

In fact it relates to Alexander Martin-Sklan who lost his £300,000 compensation battle with M & S after claiming he slipped on a grape!

Mr Martin-Sklan, 55, an accountant was also ordered to pay £15,000 of the retailer's legal costs as a High Court judge told him: "Accidents do happen."

He had claimed he developed "deep depression" after slipping and tearing a thigh tendon in the fall. However, I think it far more likely that he developed deep depression because of the ridicule that he must surely have received from all and sundry when they realised that he was suing M&S for tripping over a grape.

Mr Martin-Sklan had asked for £315,815 in damages, (I personally think that by not simply claiming £300,000, he was trying to prove that he was a proper Accountant & had actually worked his losses out!! Wrong!!!) claiming that the psychological and physical effects of his accident had blighted his accountancy business and left him unable to play tennis or football.

This man is neither safe to play any kind of sport due to his total lack of balance and co-ordination, nor should he be an Accountant as his sums just don't add up!

Now I should add, in my usual self deprecating manner, that today I was in fact the victim of as serious an accident as Martin Grapeman, in that whilst attempting to eat my lunch at my desk I stabbed myself with a baguette and made my lip bleed. I should also add that it was a particularly crusty baguette and that I was clearly struggling with the co-ordination required with eating - open mouth, then put food in mouth - is a far better sequence than the one I managed but...it really hurt!!!

Is it because I'm black?

It is clear that the comments of Geraldine Ferraro when she claimed that Barack Obama was "...only successful because he was black", have been heavily criticised, and have resulted in her having to resign from the Clinton campaign team.

However, doesn't this signify progress in a world that has too much discrimination? (whether on the grounds of race, sex, sexuality, disability etc etc).

When Ferraro said "If he was a white man, he would not be in this position", the implication was that he was "lucky" to be black.

Now I'm not sure that luck had a lot to do with it. More a case of genetics and black parents I would have thought.

But "lucky" to be black? It's not long ago that such a comment would have been inconceivable. To suggest that somebody was at an advantage because they were black, would have been considered (if there were such a word) oxymoronic!

Maybe, and I realise this is a controversial thing to say, just maybe, he is ahead in the polls because he is better than the opposition! Or would such a comment be considered to be sexist?

It's a sin....apparently

Whilst not wanting to annoy or upset anybody who is a devout believer of their respective religious faith, but I was somewhat perturbed by the Roman Catholic church's updating of its list of mortal sins yesterday, which now include 21st century issues such as pollution and genetic experimentation.

Whilst not technically governed by their rules, not being a "club" member, I was always reasonably comfortable with the concept of traditional mortal sins - that is, those which break the Ten Commandments and include murder and adultery.

It seems "reasonable" to me that committing such sins warrants the need for "club" members to confess such gross misdemeanours to a priest and if not absolved or forgiven, will lead (this may be a little on the harsh side) to a person's soul being condemned to hell.

The situation is no longer quite so clear as mortal sins will now include: -

• genetic experimentation,
• tampering with the order of nature,
• pollution,
• social injustice,
• causing poverty,
• excessive wealth, and drug abuse

Now - albeit not for the first time - I am a little confused.

I had thought that the Catholic Church was against contraception (their own version of a non-proliferation treaty perhaps?), and yet they now add to the list of mortal sins, a whole heap of "stuff" that is child-related, and therefore exacerbated by their previous stance.

Having kids is in fact a form of genetic experimentation, and despite my best efforts (I really was trying!) our children have some of my traits - although thankfully for them, not too many!

Also, there is a cycle which lasts for many, many years which goes something like this: -

Drugs - during birth, Ethonox - after birth, Kalpol - poverty - years of room tidying up the pollution caused by "the little ones", in the face of toddler/child/student protestations of "...tampering with the order of nature" - drugs (prescribed obviously, but usually Valium or some other anti-depressant!) - post liberation feelings of excessive wealth, only to be quickly replaced by the realisation that all things - like one's children - are relative!

So it will be that in future Roman Catholics men will have to confess to their priest, something along the lines of "Forgive me father for I have sinned...I am a Father".

The priest on the other hand should not be a father as he should have sworn an oath of celibacy!

Confusing isn't it?

Time and how to waste it

The title of today's "blog" was kindly (another example of British sarcasm) suggested by 斯蒂夫, my cousin's husband (and therefore not a "blood" relative!), and for those who have read the previous blogs, you will understand that he is not the Chinese one.

I believe that the inference in his suggestion was that this blog was an example of "time wasted", but I'm sure that I can find better examples...

For example - this week was the anniversary of the birth of Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone - but after devoting most of his life to this task.....who did he ring????

Another - the education of George W Bush. It is alleged that when advised that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq, his face went ashen, before he asked - "How many is a Brazilian?"

The world's deadliest virus

Sometimes it is hard to explain the female brain - although a valiant attempt was made in my previous blog entry - "Compexity of women's mind identified..."

As constant users of the Internet and email we, as a couple, are always keen to ensure that we don't open up any suspicious looking "attachments", even when their titles belie the dangers that may lurk within.

I was therefore somewhat amazed yesterday when MN&D (My nearest and dearest - and I'm not just referring to proximity & cost here!) opened an email attachment entitled "World's deadliest virus".

It actually turned out to be a public service video, highlighting the significant dangers of the common cold - to men, and is well worth a watch! Enjoy!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=60jj4hZw7ds&feature=related

A case of mistaken identity

This week we have seen another example of political correctness gone mad, with a small primary school publishing a "doctored" photo of some of their pupils on the Internet, to avoid it getting into the wrong hands.

This action has been criticised by many groups and led to complaints from all and sundry.

One particularly forceful group of complaints came from the Smiley family - pictured above. They stated that the school's actions had ridiculed their - less than normal - appearance, and would now not be able to go out in public without people recognising them!

See also previous article in 2006

Lies, damned lies and...statistics!

There is a well known fact that "1 in 5 of the world's population is Chinese", so that if you are a family of 4, then you each of you know where (and how tall) you stand, whereas if you are in a family of 5...!

Well, who is it?

I have cousins in America, and one of the families consists of Ang, Gabs, Phil, Jamie & and 斯蒂夫! Clearly, well statistically, one of them is Chinese, but I'm not quite sure which one...possibly Phil!

That is the problem with statistics. They rarely prove anything, but they are presented as though they prove everything.

Today's London Evening Standard statistical offering was:-

"...£40 a mile on the Tube...it's cheaper to fly to New York..."

Clearly, given that I travel on the Tube for 260 days a year, and for a journey that is most probably 4 miles each way, if the latter statistic is true, my annual season ticket would be £83,000 on top of the cost of getting to London.

Whilst expensive, it is somewhat less than this cost!

And then...and then, on the opposite page to the above article there sits an article under the heading of: -

"Greenpeace fury over jet's US flight with just five people"

Apparently, an American Airlines flight from Chicago to Heathrow flew 5,000 miles with just 5 passengers on board, using 22,000 gallons of fuel, at a "real"cost of about £22k per passenger.

It was for the above reasons, that on arriving in London this morning, I decided not to take either the Tube or the plane to the office and took a quick trip down the Thames on a boat at a cost of £2.60!! Bargain.

Happy Mother's Day

I don't want to spoil this traditional day of celebration / American day of commercialism but.... as we were shopping today in (creepy) Crawley, we walked past an Ann Summers shop.

Whilst I don't normally look in the window of this shop (honest!) I couldn't help noticing a sign that mentioned Mother's Day "gifts"...

Given the type of products sold in this shop who would ever buy anything in this shop for their mother on Mother's Day?

A little bit of trouble with wind!

There appears to be a growing number of "air disaster" stories in the news of late, with either planes falling out of the skies or pilots falling off their trolleys.

First there was the BA pilot named Coward, who let his first officer carry out a dangerous landing at Heathrow; then there was the pilot who went slightly mad whilst flying from the USA to London, and had to be carried out of the cockpit in "restraints", shouting that he wanted to speak to God!; there was also the recent example of the pilot who sadly died on the flight from London to Turkey; and today we saw the case of a Lufthansa pilot with a severe case of wind.

If you are thinking of flying anywhere soon you might not want to watch the attached video, but I can assure you that everyone arrived safely, with nobody hurt at all.

Also remember that you stand more chance getting kicked to death by a donkey than you do dying in an air crash - although as they also say, the chances of 300 people getting kicked to death by 300 donkeys on a airport runway, is slightly less likely!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_7270000/newsid_7274600/7274640.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm&asb=1&news=1&bbcws=1