Diary of a troubled mind - Part 2

Had a nice day at the office dear?

2008-04-03T00:56:00.000-07:00

The infamous "they" say that there's more than one way to skin a cat, which says a lot about "they" or "them" or whatever they like to be called.

There are also many different ways to view the same issue. For instance, some (I think they may be a sub-group of they) would say that after a hard day at the office, the chance to sit down with a drink in one hand, and some food in the other, contemplating the world around them would be a pleasant way to unwind.

However, I choose to disagree!

Due to a localised power failure the Jubilee line, the only underground in and out of Canary Wharf was suspended at about 5.30pm. No problem if it had only lasted for 5 or 10 minutes.

It didn't! - Four and a half hours later it was still suspended.

I had decided to stay at work a few (OK four) hours longer, to let the 50,000+ Canary Wharf employees gradually find an alternative route home, and so I reached the DLR station at about 9.30.

They hadn't!

It appeared as though about 20 or 30 (not thousand, just 20 or 30!) had walked, or ran, or swam home. The rest of use were waiting fora train on the Docklands Light Railway (DLR) which was in the news the other week as it was increasing the length of its trains to accommodate more passengers ahead of the 2010 Olympics.

It hasn't!

Well not the one I tried (and failed) to get on. These trains - plural, but in reality running 15 minutes apart - would look more at home in an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine. Especially if they've ever had an episode entitled "Danny the DLR train and 50,000 angry passengers playing sardines".

I eventually got on a train and headed towards the City. In fact we headed towards the City quite quickly! As the DLR is a "Light" railway, when you cram four times as many passengers on it than it was designed to carry, when it goes downhill it does a fantastic impersonation of a runaway train! (...and she blew!)

Anyway I eventually got to London Bridge station where I planned to catch the 22.11 train towards Brighton.

I didn't!

I got to the platform at 22.11 and 30 seconds, just as the train was pulling away.

The next train was not until 22.41, and hence I the reference at the start of this blog to me sitting down with a drink in one hand, and some food in the other, contemplating the world around me. Happy? Me? Hah!

However, this luck could change as I apparently drew out the favourite in the Grand National Sweepstake at work.

Isn't Dobbin a strange name for a racehorse?

April - but not everything is foolish!

2008-04-01T11:50:00.000-07:00

One of the great difficulties with being “a bit of a joker” is that when 1 April comes around each year, people assume (do these people not know about the saying?) that everything I say and everything I do, will actually be a practical joke, when in fact everything I said and did was serious.

So when I announced that there was to be a fly past of the Red Arrows over London - which from 35 floors up in Canary Wharf was quite a spectacular sight - many of my team missed it, fearing that it was a “wind up”.

The English press also had similar difficulties in relation to this issue, when highlighting the following stories which were published today: -

A new pay-per-view funeral service scheme is being launched today. The Daily Mail says the scheme at Southampton Crematorium allows mourners to grieve from home by watching proceedings online.
A turtle is addicted to nicotine. He became addicted after picking up the smouldering butts in his owner's garden, in Kouqian, China, and sulks if he doesn't get his fix.
The menopause is caused by the age-old battle between wives and mothers-in-law, reports the Times. As long as 50,000 to 300,000 years ago, competition for food in a family unit was a battle won by the younger women who fed their offspring, which led to the older women losing their ability to breed. With food hard to find, mothers-in-law tended to help rear the grandchildren rather than have more children themselves.
School desks and chairs are to be enlarged to meet the needs of the UK's ever-heavier schoolchildren, reports the Express. On average British children are a centimetre taller than they were 10 years ago, and there are more obese youngsters, so desks supplied to UK schools will reflect this.
You will soon be able to have a tattoo on your teeth, reports the Sun. Steve Heward, the dentist who started the craze in the US plans to set up in Britain.

All of the above were – like me – actually serious, clearly showing that today was not a good day to publish the whimsical, but true, if you wanted people to believe the story.

All of this goes to prove that it is not as easy to identify the truth (or the real) from the lies (or the illusion).

The pictures below are amazing examples of such "illusions", which in truth are real works of art! You really have to "hand it" to the artist!!

Queen tells Gordon Brown to "...Get lost!"

2008-03-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

This week the French President - Nicolas Sarkozy - was entertained by the Queen at Windsor Castle as part of his 2-day "state visit".

Part of this "entertainment" was a banquet in St George's Hall at Windsor Castle attended by the British Prime Minister and other dignitaries (sorry that should have read "...Prime Minister and 149 dignitaries").

It was prior to this banquet that our Prime Minister - Gordon Brown - went missing.

Having previously criticised George Bush for not knowing his left from his right, or being able to fight his way out of a paper bag (let alone Vietnam, Korea, Iraq etc) it is only fair that I balance the situation with a suitable "dollop" of scorn on our Gordon.

Getting lost, whilst embarrassing, does not in itself signify a total lack of ability with regards to "running" a country, but sparking a constitutional crisis regarding our dear (quite expensive) Queen is another thing altogether.

How did this happen? Well, when a Downing Street spokesman was asked how Gordon had got lost, the spokesman insisted that Gordon Brown was just "doing what he was told". Therefore by implication the Queen had told him to "Get lost", and Gordon being an obedient soul, did just that.

The video in the link below even shows the Queen being quite amused at Gordon's misfortune. It is a very short clip, and the Queen can be heard saying to Princess Anne: "...The prime minister got lost. He disappeared the wrong way....at the crucial moment." At the end of the clip you can also hear Sarkosy starting to call out to Gordon...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_7310000/newsid_7316700/7316744.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm&asb=1&news=1&bbcws=1

"...Gordon!" Sarkosy shouts, just as the clip ends, but those who were there state that he then said "...Gordon! You Loser! Why are you sat behind a bunch of flowers? You were supposed to be sat next to Her Majesty, but we didn't know where you were...so I sat there!!!"

The beautiful game?

2008-03-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

Football is often described by some as "...The beautiful game". However, having watched the England v France last night there were at least two reasons why I think such a phrase is inappropriate.

Firstly, the way that England played was anything but beautiful.

Secondly....Joleon Lescott! (No further explanation is really required, as can be evidence by the picture below left.)

Not only is he "no great shakes" as a footballer, but he is the closest living thing on this planet to Worf, the Klingon from Star Trek!

Actually, having seen both pictures I now realise that the above statement is rather unkind...to the Klingon!!!

To err is human...but to "misspeak" takes a Clinton

2008-03-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

There appears to be a certain mental condition or aberration that exists within the Clinton family that results in them having a clear grasp on reality.

Back in 1998, clenching his jaw and pointing his finger for emphasis, President Clinton denied, in far more forceful terms than before, that he had had a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky and coached her to lie about it.

"I want you to listen to me," Clinton said, as he glared at cameras. "I'm going to say this again, I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time -- never. These allegations are false. And I need to go back to work for the American people."

At the time I thought that Bill had been "lying". Now I realise I was w..w..wrong!

Hilary Clinton has recently claimed, in a recent description of a 1996 trip to Bosnia, that she landed amid sniper fire. Mrs Clinton did this when she gave a foreign policy speech designed to demonstrate she is more battle-ready to be commander-in-chief on "day one" than her less experienced rival, Barack Obama.

Her recollection of her landing near Tuzla was nothing if not vivid. "I remember landing under sniper fire," she said. "There was supposed to be some kind of greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."

The above picture of Hillary and her daughter Chelsea clearly shows them both running with their heads down, and had the resolution of the picture been even better, presumably we would actually be able to see the sniper bullets to which she referred!

Or maybe we wouldn't because CBS News has now aired footage showing her calmly alighting from her military aircraft and indeed participating in an arrival ceremony. At this point I once again assumed that she had been lying in her recent speech.

Seemingly, once again I was w...w...wrong!

It appears that neither Hillary nor Bill were "lying", it is just that they both "misspoke"!

I had never heard of this term before, but given that it has been used by some of the most powerful people in the world, I guess it must be OK. It is also comforting to know that I have personally never lied about anything in my life.

But as for "misspeaking"? Possibly!

Never mind Easter - show him your cross!

2008-03-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

I am pleased to say that I did not embarrass myself this Easter, or at least not as much as I nearly did a few years back.

Whilst I am not particularly religious, I do understand the general concept of Easter, and whilst having some sympathy with the views of comedian Alan Carr, ("...a long weekend is great but I can't help thinking that if Jesus had just held on a bit longer we could have had a full week's holiday!") I do realise that this does tend to trivialise this important religious festival.

Neither was this (i.e. the trivialisation point) my intent a few years back when on this same weekend I noticed a family friend, Phillip, walking through our village.

At the time (and I should point out that I don't have 20:20 vision) I was in my car and Phillip appeared to be struggling to carry a large wooden object, and was not helped by the fact that a large group of fellow villagers who were walking behind him, were offering him no assistance whatsoever!

"Shall I stop and give him a hand?" I asked MN&D, to which she gave me a withering look and asked "Don't you know what he's doing?".

I think this may have been a rhetorical question, because as I started to reply, that "Yes, he's struggling to carry that big wooden cross..." I suddenly realised that Phillip, the village's Vicar, was staging a re-enactment of Christ's journey.

I also fully appreciate that had this modern day re-enactment concluded with with "Christ" arriving at the crucifixion site, in the front of a Mondeo estate, with his cross hanging out of the back of the said car, that some of the religious and symbolic significance may have been lost.

However, whilst my willingness to help was somewhat inappropriate, at least my heart was in the right place!

Holly Willoughby - what is a breat?

2008-03-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have not previously watched ITV's Dancing on Ice, Holly Willoughby is one the two presenters, the other being Philip Schofield.

Whilst still learning the trade, Holly makes a good co-presenter as she is young, pretty and "well-proportioned", if you like that sort of thing! Clearly not everybody does, as ITV received complaints from viewers one week when a particular dress that Holly - who is a curvy lass - was wearing, as they thought that it was too low cut.

As a fan of her "presenting style", I was drawn to the news-stands in the local newsagents yesterday where that well known and celebrated magazine "Love it!" (No, I hadn't heard of it either) had the headline "Holly Willoughby - Tormented by being 'thick'".
I was so deeply moved by the thought that this poor young girl could actually be living a life of torment that I took a peek inside the magazine, to learn more about her "troubles".

It was on these inside pages that I read with both shock and horror the headline and sub heading below!
Now, whilst somewhat distracted by the photos of Holly, I did in fact manage to read the article which described how Holly had suffered at school due to her having dyslexia, which went undiagnosed for a long time. (For those of you thinking that this may have been the reason why Holly didn't sell her story to 'KO!' magazine you should be ashamed of yourselves!)

Once her "condition" was recognised, Holly received additional support at school and soon after her results improved.

After her schooldays, Holly became a lingerie model prior to becoming a TV presenter, and remains proud that her figure is "...all her own", and has not been enhanced by surgery.

However, given the content of the article, I think that it is almost criminal that the spelling was not checked to avoid the fact that the subheading states that Holly said that: -

"...at least her breats are her own"

Are they "...taking the mick" out of her condition? If not, what are breats?

"Stwffiedig" at 'r Cymraeg...dwywaith

2008-03-20T14:27:00.000-07:00

Whilst this has been a short working week, it has been noticeable for the fact that the Welsh have conspired to spoil both ends of it for Englishmen (and women) like me. Not that there should be too many English women like me, but hopefully you get my drift!

Firstly, last Saturday, they played their little hearts out in the final match of their Rugby Six Nations campaign beating France to win the "Grand Slam" and denying the English team their rightful place on the podium.

Today, I had to visit the Principality on business, and set off this morning with my Passport in my pocket to ensure that I would be able to get back into England when my meeting was over.

The first issue that I had was that I actually had to pay to get in - £5.30 it cost - about the cost of going to see a good film, and if I had been going to see a good film it would have been entitled "A dreary day in the valleys".

Having just about got over the indignation of this charge I drove into Cardiff for my meeting at Cardiff University, where, the first issue that was raised (which I can assure you had absolutely nothing to do with the business reason for the meeting) was the fact that Wales had won the "Grand Slam"! Not wanting to be churlish, I demonstrated what a good sport I was and said "Did they?...I'm not really interested in Rugby. Is that like winning the Rugby World Cup, because I think I read that England nearly did that twice in a row didn't they?"

The meeting was much shorter than I thought it would be for some reason.

I then headed back to the multi-storey car park where I'd left my car on the top level. I took my ticket and placed it in the pay-machine. Up popped the price - EIGHT POUNDS! I'd only been there in total about two and a half hours.

Reluctantly I put my credit card in the slot to pay this extortionate fee. The machine chugged...gulped...swallowed and then refused to give me either my ticket or my credit card back. I pressed the intercom that took me through to a NCP Car Park customer service (Hah!) operative and explained my predicament. I'll get somebody down to see you shortly.

"Shortly" is an interesting word! Now, I blame the fact that 'Doctor Who' is filmed in Cardiff, as "shortly" clearly has a different meaning for these "Time Traveller" influenced folk, as I had to wait in front of the now 'Out of Order' pay machine for over half an hour!

This delay was just enough to ensure that as I eventually left Cardiff, I hit the rush hour traffic and got caught up in all of the traffic jams on the way back to Sussex as people set of on their Easter breaks.

So it was that I was "stwffiedig" at 'r Cymraeg...dwywaith (which I think, and hope means "Stuffed by the Welsh...twice")!

Clinton loses chance of Democratic Party nomination

2008-03-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

Whilst I clearly don't want to tempt fate, it appears as though Barack Obama, has just sealed the Democratic Party nomination by doing....nothing.

It will not be his momentous "race" speech that will do it, even though the strategy of testing the response of the nature ahead of the Philly primary, was a great tactic, as he had little to lose, as he is currently 12 points behind Hills.

What has just secured him the victory has in fact been a 6 year old video of Hillary Clinton lending her support to....Heather Mills.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WlFsVi5zuhc

Whilst some may question Obama's choice of friend & local priest, everyone will question the Hillary's judgement over who she considers to be worthy of praise. And if anyone is worthy of praise about anything, it is not Heather Mills!!

This is a little sad as I was just about to suggest that Hillary could possible start to use a new campaign slogan, that re-worked the saying "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" - something like "A bird in the House is worth two x George Bush", but now I won't even bother.

Macca's "dame" does her nut!

2008-03-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

And so, the judge has finally decided that Heather Mills shall recieve the princely sum of c£24million for her four year marriage to Sir Paul McCartney.

Apparently she was asking for £125m and he had offerred £16m, therefore whichever you cut it, the settlement is far more in line with what was offerred as opposed to what was sought.

This reminded me of the Mastercard "Priceless" adverts - one of which described a young woman's "Favorite Things" and their price. The advert can be see at the above link, but was supported by the following commentary: -

Riding boots - $600

Vintage helmet - $129

Dive mask - $125

Zero gravity flight - $3,700

Fencing foil - $97

Singing lessons - $183

Getting the most out of life - "Priceless"

Heather Mills' version of the above advert

First class travel - £5m

Luxury holidays for life - £20m

Two Victorian Mansions - £45m

Bodyguard protection from the press - £10m

A staff of 50 to wait on every move - £45m

Convincing the public that you are not a manipulative, money-grabbing, vindictive old "harpie" - "Priceless"

50 not out!

2008-03-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

I spent part of this evening laid on a bed surrounded by women in uniform fussing over me and ensuring that I didn't faint, whilst I did "...something amazing" and gave a pint of blood.

In a blood "giving" period of nearly 30 years this was only my 18th pint, and whilst in cricketing parlance this is an annual "strike rate" of 60%, it pales into insignificance with MN&D, who, with an annual "strike rate" of 167% gave her 50th pint.

Nor am I able, were I even willing, to catch her up, as I can see that she has a century in her mind. Whilst presents were, quite rightly, heaped upon MN&D (well a nice badge and a very nice, engraved "Cross" pen)

I was treated somewhat dismissively, and with what some might consider to have been somewhat condescendingly.

"You haven't given for quite a while have you?" one nurse asked, quickly followed up with, "...have you been working abroad? That's usually why men don't give for a while!"

Maybe I'm being a bit paranoid but I think there was a definite emphasis on the word "men", plus the fact that because you have to complete a 96 page medical and personal biographical history before they even prick your finger for a blood sample, they know more about me, my whereabouts, my holidays, my sexuality, than even I do.

They know I haven't been working abroad. So I would have rather they had said what they were thinking and had instead come over to me and said: -

"Good evening Sir, I see you haven't given blood for 4 or 5 years, couldn't you be arsed? We note from our records that the lame excuse you've given previously is that we only come to your town on a Friday evening and you like watching Question of Sport on TV, is that right? If so, would you like us to mark your records as "waster" or "shirker"?

Now, whilst I was being treated in this way, MN&D, was (somewhat worryingly) coming up with a new (?) idea to encourage people to come to the blood doning clinics.

She invented - Slow speed dating. She figured that when you give blood, you spend about 10 minutes lying on a bed next to a stranger who you (well obviously not me or her!) could get to know a lot better.

The advantages over normal speed dating is that you know you have a least one thing in common, AND they've had their medical (and sexual) history checked out in the 96 page questionnaire. Now when I say that this notion came to MN&D this evening...I'm not so sure.

Her idea did seem quite well "honed". What has she been getting up to on her many visits? Never mind the score of 50 not out, has anyone been trying to bowl this maiden over?

Accidents do happen

2008-03-13T03:03:00.000-07:00

I should make it clear that this entry in no way relates to the previous blog concerning the Catholic Church's revised list of sins nor its negative stance on contraception.

It could refer to Alistair Darling - although doesn't - as I believe in producing blogs slightly longer than two words.

"Accidents do happen - Alistair Darling"

does seem somewhat uncharitable, although after yesterday's Budget - TOTALLY DESERVED!!!! I want to drink AND drive, albeit clearly not within close succession, and HE has made it even more expensive to do so.

But, as I said this is not about he who shall be called, "The Badger" (see previous blog - "Should the badger be culled?").

In fact it relates to Alexander Martin-Sklan who lost his £300,000 compensation battle with M & S after claiming he slipped on a grape!

Mr Martin-Sklan, 55, an accountant was also ordered to pay £15,000 of the retailer's legal costs as a High Court judge told him: "Accidents do happen."

He had claimed he developed "deep depression" after slipping and tearing a thigh tendon in the fall. However, I think it far more likely that he developed deep depression because of the ridicule that he must surely have received from all and sundry when they realised that he was suing M&S for tripping over a grape.

Mr Martin-Sklan had asked for £315,815 in damages, (I personally think that by not simply claiming £300,000, he was trying to prove that he was a proper Accountant & had actually worked his losses out!! Wrong!!!) claiming that the psychological and physical effects of his accident had blighted his accountancy business and left him unable to play tennis or football.

This man is neither safe to play any kind of sport due to his total lack of balance and co-ordination, nor should he be an Accountant as his sums just don't add up!

Now I should add, in my usual self deprecating manner, that today I was in fact the victim of as serious an accident as Martin Grapeman, in that whilst attempting to eat my lunch at my desk I stabbed myself with a baguette and made my lip bleed. I should also add that it was a particularly crusty baguette and that I was clearly struggling with the co-ordination required with eating - open mouth, then put food in mouth - is a far better sequence than the one I managed but...it really hurt!!!

Is it because I'm black?

2008-03-12T03:52:00.000-07:00

It is clear that the comments of Geraldine Ferraro when she claimed that Barack Obama was "...only successful because he was black", have been heavily criticised, and have resulted in her having to resign from the Clinton campaign team.

However, doesn't this signify progress in a world that has too much discrimination? (whether on the grounds of race, sex, sexuality, disability etc etc).

When Ferraro said "If he was a white man, he would not be in this position", the implication was that he was "lucky" to be black.

Now I'm not sure that luck had a lot to do with it. More a case of genetics and black parents I would have thought.

But "lucky" to be black? It's not long ago that such a comment would have been inconceivable. To suggest that somebody was at an advantage because they were black, would have been considered (if there were such a word) oxymoronic!

Maybe, and I realise this is a controversial thing to say, just maybe, he is ahead in the polls because he is better than the opposition! Or would such a comment be considered to be sexist?

It's a sin....apparently

2008-03-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

Whilst not wanting to annoy or upset anybody who is a devout believer of their respective religious faith, but I was somewhat perturbed by the Roman Catholic church's updating of its list of mortal sins yesterday, which now include 21st century issues such as pollution and genetic experimentation.

Whilst not technically governed by their rules, not being a "club" member, I was always reasonably comfortable with the concept of traditional mortal sins - that is, those which break the Ten Commandments and include murder and adultery.

It seems "reasonable" to me that committing such sins warrants the need for "club" members to confess such gross misdemeanours to a priest and if not absolved or forgiven, will lead (this may be a little on the harsh side) to a person's soul being condemned to hell.

The situation is no longer quite so clear as mortal sins will now include: -

genetic experimentation,
tampering with the order of nature,
pollution,
social injustice,
causing poverty,
excessive wealth, and drug abuse

Now - albeit not for the first time - I am a little confused.

I had thought that the Catholic Church was against contraception (their own version of a non-proliferation treaty perhaps?), and yet they now add to the list of mortal sins, a whole heap of "stuff" that is child-related, and therefore exacerbated by their previous stance.

Having kids is in fact a form of genetic experimentation, and despite my best efforts (I really was trying!) our children have some of my traits - although thankfully for them, not too many!

Also, there is a cycle which lasts for many, many years which goes something like this: -

Drugs - during birth, Ethonox - after birth, Kalpol - poverty - years of room tidying up the pollution caused by "the little ones", in the face of toddler/child/student protestations of "...tampering with the order of nature" - drugs (prescribed obviously, but usually Valium or some other anti-depressant!) - post liberation feelings of excessive wealth, only to be quickly replaced by the realisation that all things - like one's children - are relative!

So it will be that in future Roman Catholics men will have to confess to their priest, something along the lines of "Forgive me father for I have sinned...I am a Father".

The priest on the other hand should not be a father as he should have sworn an oath of celibacy!

Confusing isn't it?

Time and how to waste it

2008-03-09T14:01:00.000-07:00

The title of today's "blog" was kindly (another example of British sarcasm) suggested by 斯蒂夫, my cousin's husband (and therefore not a "blood" relative!), and for those who have read the previous blogs, you will understand that he is not the Chinese one.

I believe that the inference in his suggestion was that this blog was an example of "time wasted", but I'm sure that I can find better examples...

For example - this week was the anniversary of the birth of Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone - but after devoting most of his life to this task.....who did he ring????

Another - the education of George W Bush. It is alleged that when advised that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq, his face went ashen, before he asked - "How many is a Brazilian?"

The world's deadliest virus

2008-03-08T23:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it is hard to explain the female brain - although a valiant attempt was made in my previous blog entry - "Compexity of women's mind identified..."

As constant users of the Internet and email we, as a couple, are always keen to ensure that we don't open up any suspicious looking "attachments", even when their titles belie the dangers that may lurk within.

I was therefore somewhat amazed yesterday when MN&D (My nearest and dearest - and I'm not just referring to proximity & cost here!) opened an email attachment entitled "World's deadliest virus".

It actually turned out to be a public service video, highlighting the significant dangers of the common cold - to men, and is well worth a watch! Enjoy!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=60jj4hZw7ds&feature=related

A case of mistaken identity

2008-03-07T14:08:00.000-08:00

This week we have seen another example of political correctness gone mad, with a small primary school publishing a "doctored" photo of some of their pupils on the Internet, to avoid it getting into the wrong hands.

This action has been criticised by many groups and led to complaints from all and sundry.

One particularly forceful group of complaints came from the Smiley family - pictured above. They stated that the school's actions had ridiculed their - less than normal - appearance, and would now not be able to go out in public without people recognising them!

See also previous article in 2006

Lies, damned lies and...statistics!

2008-03-05T13:17:00.000-08:00

There is a well known fact that "1 in 5 of the world's population is Chinese", so that if you are a family of 4, then you each of you know where (and how tall) you stand, whereas if you are in a family of 5...!

Well, who is it?

I have cousins in America, and one of the families consists of Ang, Gabs, Phil, Jamie & and 斯蒂夫! Clearly, well statistically, one of them is Chinese, but I'm not quite sure which one...possibly Phil!

That is the problem with statistics. They rarely prove anything, but they are presented as though they prove everything.

Today's London Evening Standard statistical offering was:-

"...£40 a mile on the Tube...it's cheaper to fly to New York..."

Clearly, given that I travel on the Tube for 260 days a year, and for a journey that is most probably 4 miles each way, if the latter statistic is true, my annual season ticket would be £83,000 on top of the cost of getting to London.

Whilst expensive, it is somewhat less than this cost!

And then...and then, on the opposite page to the above article there sits an article under the heading of: -

"Greenpeace fury over jet's US flight with just five people"

Apparently, an American Airlines flight from Chicago to Heathrow flew 5,000 miles with just 5 passengers on board, using 22,000 gallons of fuel, at a "real"cost of about £22k per passenger.

It was for the above reasons, that on arriving in London this morning, I decided not to take either the Tube or the plane to the office and took a quick trip down the Thames on a boat at a cost of £2.60!! Bargain.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-03-03T10:21:00.000-08:00

I don't want to spoil this traditional day of celebration / American day of commercialism but.... as we were shopping today in (creepy) Crawley, we walked past an Ann Summers shop.

Whilst I don't normally look in the window of this shop (honest!) I couldn't help noticing a sign that mentioned Mother's Day "gifts"...

Given the type of products sold in this shop who would ever buy anything in this shop for their mother on Mother's Day?

A little bit of trouble with wind!

2008-03-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

There appears to be a growing number of "air disaster" stories in the news of late, with either planes falling out of the skies or pilots falling off their trolleys.

First there was the BA pilot named Coward, who let his first officer carry out a dangerous landing at Heathrow; then there was the pilot who went slightly mad whilst flying from the USA to London, and had to be carried out of the cockpit in "restraints", shouting that he wanted to speak to God!; there was also the recent example of the pilot who sadly died on the flight from London to Turkey; and today we saw the case of a Lufthansa pilot with a severe case of wind.

If you are thinking of flying anywhere soon you might not want to watch the attached video, but I can assure you that everyone arrived safely, with nobody hurt at all.

Also remember that you stand more chance getting kicked to death by a donkey than you do dying in an air crash - although as they also say, the chances of 300 people getting kicked to death by 300 donkeys on a airport runway, is slightly less likely!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_7270000/newsid_7274600/7274640.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm&asb=1&news=1&bbcws=1

UK schools in child labour outrage

2008-02-29T13:34:00.000-08:00

Whilst we have often heard of the practice of "child labour" in Third World countries, thankfully it is far less common in either the EU or UK.

However, I heard today that a school in West Sussex was employing children as young as 12 as classroom teaching assistants!

Such practices are seemingly not even being kept particularly secret, as an inside source revealed to me: -

"...She was very open about her birthday and the fact that she was only 12 today. She even brought a cake and balloons into the school for both the teaching staff and children to share."

It is important that this matter is investigated further by the local education authority, because however mature and hard-working this person is, it cannot be morally right that she is being exploited in this way.

Whilst there is a shortage of classroom assistants, is there no other way to solve the situation?

THIS IS TRUE STORY!!

(What I don't understand is the fact that the "child" in question is apparently married with children of her own! How does that work?

Bush Calls Surveillance Bill an ‘Urgent Priority’

2008-02-28T09:27:00.000-08:00

The New York Times today reported that: -

"...Using some of his toughest language in weeks, President Bush prodded Congress on Thursday to pass his preferred version of surveillance legislation, asserting that every day of delay could put the country in danger..."

Now, call me a cynical non Republican (& therefore slightly democratic) Brit, but I was sort of assuming that "every day of delay" between now and the Presidential elections was putting the country (sorry your country - the USofA) in danger. Can't you folks just break tradition (it's not as though you haven't broken things before, nor for that matter, is your tradition very long standing) for once and bring the elections forward?

Dublya also said that: -

"...Without the cooperation of private companies, we cannot protect our country from terrorist attack,” and
"...Big new taxes on the major oil companies would backfire, driving up energy costs"

Now, clearly I am not an expert on these matters but, am I not right in thinking that: -

despite the atrocities and war crimes carried out by Iraq in the Iran:Iraq war between 1983 to 1985, the Reagan administration went to great lengths to gain Saddam Hussein’s favor.
Their goal at the time was to have built a gas pipeline from the Euphrates River, in Iraq, to the Gulf of Aqaba, in Jordan. The company planning to gain this contract for the billion dollar pipeline’s construction: Bechtel Corporation.
Over two decades later, and after a small falling out with Saddam, it is the same companies Bechtel and Halliburton, which benefited from the post-war reconstruction contracts in Iraq worth upwards of $900 million.

and that the common denominator in each of the above three issues is Dick Cheney, the former CEO of Halliburton and current VP. So when Dubblya talks of needing to keep private companies & specifical private major oil companies on side, it is simply so that his friends and colleagues, Dick & Donald can benefit financially!!

(Please note new legal disclaimer where I have disassociated myself from all the comments that I have written about anybody)

So when Dubblya also said that it was “dangerous, just dangerous” for the legislation to be delayed, and pledged to continue speaking out about the issue until the American people understand, I think it is about the most hypocritical thing that I've ever heard.

For Dubblya to continue speaking about anything is likely to reduce, not increase the understanding of the American people. For example, as he has previously said: -

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."- August 30, 2000
"And there's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail."- October 4, 2001
"Teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."- Feb. 21, 2001
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"- January 11, 2000
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."- January 3, 2000

Not wanting to rub George 's nose in it, nor am I saying that it is necessarily a good thing (actually I think I am saying it is a good thing - unless you ever do something wrong) but, the Big Brother nightmare of George Orwell's 1984 has become a reality - in the shadow of the author's former London home.

It may have taken a little longer than he predicted, but Orwell's vision of a society where cameras and computers spy on every person's movements is now here.

According to the latest studies, Britain has a staggering 4.2million CCTV cameras - one for every 14 people in the country - and 20 per cent of cameras globally. It has been calculated that each person is caught on camera an average of 300 times daily.

Use of spy cameras in modern-day Britain is now a chilling mirror image of Orwell's fictional world, created in the post-war Forties in a fourth-floor flat overlooking Canonbury Square in Islington, North London.

On the wall outside his former residence - flat number 27B - where Orwell lived until his death in 1950, an historical plaque commemorates the anti-authoritarian author. And within 200 yards of the flat, there are 32 CCTV cameras, scanning every move.

London is rocked by the biggest quake for 24 years

2008-02-27T11:06:00.000-08:00

Oh my god!

Could this signal the end of the world. Had London been razed to the ground? (I've always thought that this "sounds" and odd expression!). Would I witness a wasteland of devastation upon arrival in London this morning?
Would the trains even be able to get there?

PLEASE NOTE - YOU HAVE NOW BEEN READING FOR FIFTEEN SECONDS!
It must have been bad as "...Thousands call(ed) 999 as tremors felt...".

In addition Kiran Sekhon, (who incidentally must be a right wuss) said that he: - "...woke up absolutely terrified".

But, no scene of devastation was found. Mainly because the tremor which at its epicentre only measured 5.2 on the Richter scale, only "...LASTED FOR UP TO 15 SECONDS"!!!

So I must apologise to my dear American Blogees who may read this entry.Some of us do know that when compared with quakes along the San Andreas fault, this UK offering was akin to being tickled with a small feather, but heh we don't get out much, and you also have to remember that when London's Millennium bridge across the Thames was opened in 2000, it had to be closed after one day, so that they could spend £5m repairing it - because it wobbled a bit, as shown in the following link: -!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQK21572oSU&feature=related

By comparison, a real wobbly bridge can be seen in the following link: -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcoHJHo8d6k&feature=related

China in Olympics pollution drive

2008-02-26T14:28:00.000-08:00

The above "headline" appeared on today's BBC News Website above an article which detailed how air quality is a major concern for organisers of the Olympics.

Whilst I'm sure this should be so, either the headline writers have once again chosen to mislead its readers, or the initiative is somewhat misguided.

Driving is the last thing that they should be doing to reduce pollution. "China in Olympics pollution walk" would be a far better strategy.

It reminded me of how my present company used to refer to the 'time period' that senior managers had to keep their company cars for, before getting a new one as - "the replacement cycle". I said that if I was only going to get a replacement cycle, I would keep the old car!!!!

Sometimes an explanation is completely unnecessary!

2008-02-25T11:10:00.000-08:00

Not wanting to cause offence or cast aspersions against those that may be "cerebrally" or "communicatively" challenged, I will let each of you decide the exact content of the conversation between the individual who ordered the cake in the picture below, and the supermarket employee who took the telephone order.

But this is the end result!!!

Another useful invention - Dragon's Den here I come!

2008-02-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

I have mentioned previously (The advantages of flying - 10 November 2006) that whilst flying is clearly a faster mode of travel than some you could mention, published “flight times” can be somewhat misleading.

The scheduled flight time from Sharm el Sheikh to London Gatwick is only 5 hours 25 mins, and yet our total “door-to-door” journey time was almost double at 10 hours!

This non-productive time was made up of the following elements: -

Hotel to Airport - 25 mins
Check in & passport control - 25 mins
Waiting time in Airport - 1 hour 15 mins
Boarding plane - 15 mins
Wait on runway at Sharm el Sheikh - 10 mins
Flight time - 5 hours 20 mins
Unboarding plane - 10 mins
Waiting in baggage reclaim at Gatwick - 1 hour 25 mins!
Collecting car from long stay car park - 15 mins
Car journey home - 25 mins

There appear to be two well defined elements associated to “waiting time” that can make it “feel” as though that time is passing even more slowly than it actually is.

The first is when nothing appears to be happening, and the second is when the waiting occurs in the middle of the night.

Having arrived back at Gatwick bang (more of a bump than a bang actually) on time at 1 o’clock in the morning, the (almost) one and a half wait for our luggage seemed almost twice as long.

After an hour’s wait, a BAA employee decided to undertake an act, which in another situation might have been classed as an act of bravery. In front of 160 tired, and somewhat annoyed passengers he (and this is where the de-FIB-rillator was required) lied!

“…Ladies and gentlemen. For those of you waiting for the baggage from flight XL6091 from Sharm el Sheikh, I must apologise for the delay in this arriving in the baggage reclaim hall. This delay is due to the late arrival of the flight….”

To a man, woman & child (Even the Whistler who had the cheek to travel back on our flight, but the sense to sit 20 rows away, and out of earshot!), the assembled throng shouted “…it wasn’t late!!!” but the fib had been made (and was even repeated about 20 minutes later).

Had we been able to use the de-fib-rillator (which is another instrument that I have invented which is a cross between a medical defibrillator and a polygraph test), which if it can be applied quickly enough can result in the truth being told rather than the pack of lies that in some cases appear to spew from the mouths of certain individuals.

In this case, had the de-fib-rillator been applied in time the above announcement may have been as follows: -

“…Oi, you lot. Due to the fact that there aren’t enough baggage handlers employed at night, ‘cause it costs more due to having to pay them overtime, they can’t deal with more than one plane at a time. In fact the slightly early arrival of your plane co-incided with one of their 8 tea breaks, and we’ll be lucky to get your luggage onto the conveyor belts this side of Easter. Any further complaints regarding these delays will be conveyed to the baggage handlers directly, who will, if possible, then attempt to place your luggage on the next available long-haul flight out of Gatwick, so if I was you, I’d stand still and shut up! At least you’ve had a holiday. Thank you for your patience! "

With apologies to Egypt!

2008-02-22T10:07:00.000-08:00

There are many reasons why people travel.

To experience different cultures by visiting far off lands and the treasures they contain, be they archaeological, artistic or natural.

To taste new foods; see different ways of living; to see local people in their local environment.

This is what holidays and travelling are about. They help to expand the mind.

I have long criticised George Dubblya, and his "fellow merkins" (albeit only those that don't have a passport and aren't related to me) who take a very insular look on the world, which for many is an "unknown" world if it is not within the US boundaries.

All that being said, we have just spent a week in the Hyatt Regency Resort in (allegedly) Sharm el Sheikh, Egypt. I say allegedly, because it could have been anywhere in the world. Well anywhere in the world that is warm in February and has fantastic snorkeling!

We didn't venture out of the resort to do or see anything local, and the only locals we spoke to were Hyatt employees, each of whom would say "my pleasure" when asked to do anything.

So whilst a fantastic holiday, please don't ask me anything about the area or the people or anything other than the hotel!

Groundhog day?

2008-02-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

Having seen Ray yesterday, we made an early decision not to see Gym today, and as a consequence I decided that I would only have two pancakes and maple syrup for breakfast, instead of the usual three(Admittedly in addition to fruit & yoghurt, orange juice, a Spanish omelette, and fresh bread!), as I don't want to put on too much weight.

I had thought that all the exercise that I'd been getting snorkeling would be sufficient to counteract any minimal increase in the amount of food I was eating, but a 'certain person' soon put me right on that count.

First she implied that floating on the surface of the sea, in what must be one of the most buoyant areas of the world, was unlikely to burn off more than a handful of calories, and then she took issue with my reference to "...minimal increase"!

Anyway after another day of such "exercise" we decided that we would dine slightly "up market" in the 'Cascades' open air Restaurant. I had thought that eating in Egypt would be reasonably "cheap" in comparison with the UK, but our meal was almost £90 for the two of us, and I even had to cook my own steak on a hot stone slab!

However, it was a lovely meal, and a lovely setting, so it was worth it. So good in fact that we booked a table for tomorrow night as well!

When one pays this much for a meal in a country where we are told that the average monthly wage is only £30, it puts things into perspective somewhat.

For the 'average' Egyptian - according to the Egyptian Gazette, which I have been receiving daily - even basic Egyptian foodstuffs are becoming too expensive. A traditional lunch-time meal, which sounded a bit like a freshly made 'Pot Noodle' was becoming too expensive to buy - because it had increased in price to 4 Egyptian pounds - or 40 UK pence!

Maybe I'll only have one pancake tomorrow!

Adventures under an azure sky

2008-02-20T11:35:00.000-08:00

Apparently there are no weathermen in Sharm el Sheikh, because the weather varies so little.

Today, the sky was once again the colour of azure. How do I know? The following photographic evidence and a Dulux colour chart prove my point.

For those interested in buying the colour it is Azure Sky 2 from the 'Fresh Blues' Dulux range, available at all good stockists.

Today, was broadly similar to the previous days, with snorkeling being the main focus.

Whilst, I had snorkeled yesterday, there were times - especially when looking down at the seabed some sixty feet below me - when I didn't feel as confident as I would have liked.

But did I panic? Of course I did... if only a little.

However, today I was determined to stay out longer and remain calm, despite the somewhat choppy seas.

Perhaps a little morbidly I had already considered that one of life's great ironies is that somebody who gets into difficulties at sea, fears sinking to the bottom (i.e. drowning) and yet, if they do drown, their body floats to the top!

Today, I was calmness personified, and swam for about an hour taking in the wonders of the undersea world of the Red Sea.

Two major finds were had. Firstly. I got to meet Ray! He had tried to cover himself in sand and remained fairly motionless, but his blue spots shone through.

Secondly, we saw (admittedly because another snorkeler pointed it out to us) a lionfish!

Now I am sure that Confucius would have had a saying along the lines of "...it is a wise man who knows what he doesn't know and who doesn't try to touch a lionfish unless he truly knows that it is safe to do so!"

But I didn't read up on Confucius this morning and in fact, tried to touch every fish I saw. Fortunately I was unsuccessful on every attempt. Especially fortunate in relation to the lionfish as the Internet (which doesn't work very well underwater!) states: -

"...Lion-fish have venomous fin spines that can produce painful puncture wounds. Fatalities, however, are rare."

And I was worried about drowning!!!!

Walk like an Egyptian....blog like an Egyptian

2008-02-19T07:21:00.000-08:00

Researching Egyptian culture before we left home I referred to one of the most up to date pieces of research that I could find, namely the Bangles hit (?) from 1985 - Walk like an Egyptian.

All the old paintings on the tombs

They do the sand dance don't you know

If they move too quick (oh whey oh)

They're falling down like a domino

All the bazaar men by the Nile

They got the money on a bet

Gold crocodiles (oh whey oh)

They snap their teeth on your cigarette

Foreign types with the hookah pipes say

Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh

Walk like an Egyptian

Having been here for 3 days now, most of the Egyptians that I've seen, actually walk quite normally.

Whilst 'normal' is a relative term, (and I have plenty of relatives who aren't!) in comparison to most of the holidaymakers at this resort hotel - normal is the way that they walk.

The rest of us, walk somewhat gingerly, not being used to this summer sun, in February, and suffering somewhat from sunburn.

However, give George Dublya and his cronies a few more years to speed up global warming and we'll all be walking like Egyptians!

Has anybody seen Ray?

2008-02-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

Despite having only been in Sharm el Sheikh for 2 full days, we have already developed a structure for each day.

Exercise
Eat
Beach, Snorkel, Beach, Snorkel etc etc
Spa
Eat
Sleep

First thing in the morning we pay a visit to the gym. This is clearly not driven by any great fondness for physical activity, but more in hope that a week of hotel food (and drink) won't leave us the size of a proverbial brick out-house, or whatever the Egyptian equivalent is!

My time on the treadmill is spent watching the calorie counter to see how many calories I will soon be able to replace at breakfast. Today it was only 216!

216 calories was not enough - especially in view of the fact that there are two breakfast chefs who make omelette's and pancakes to order, the former who has all the style of a cocktail waiter, and throws the fresh omelette from the pan, over his head, to the plate.

I convince myself that neither, nor both of the omellete (singular) or pancakes (plural), can equate to 216 calories.

Others - mentioning no names - are more restrained.

After breakfast we head down to the beach - not for long - just 5 hours or so, sunbathing, snorkeling and drinking the odd glass of beer.

Today, whilst hot. it was a bit breezy, but despite this we both saw another amazing array of fish.

The coral shelf is only about 50 feet from shore before it drops away to a depth of about 60 feet.

Today's special "find" - although not by me - was a blue spotted (sting)ray. I thought that my good friend and associate was shouting "...I've found Ray, I've found Ray", and, not knowing either who Ray was, or what he was doing at the bottom of the Red Sea, I was initially somewhat confused. "...I'll show you where he is," she said, pointing out across the reef. "...Go and see if you can find him."

Now, the reef is quite big and the Red Sea somewhat bigger. The tide was quite strong, and my swimming quite weak. Add to this the fact that Ray, is only 14 inches across, and you can imagine that this task was almost mission impossible (cue music). No, it was mission impossible, as I "f,f,f,failed..."

What made it even more frustrating was that having swum back 100 yards against the tide to hand back the snorkel (we were sharing!) "Marina" only went and found Ray again!

Not that I'm competitive but tomorrow I'm going in search of a Great White Shark!

It's a little bit monotonous!

2008-02-17T08:36:00.000-08:00

This holiday is somewhat monotonous - the sky is constantly blue, it never rains, it's always hot (but not too hot), the hotel is excellent, and the snorkeling is absolutely fantastic. (In fact the snorkeling is better than the Barrier Reef, Fiji & Madeira.)

A few photos may demonstrate how awful this place is to encourage others to avoid it in the future - thereby keeping it relatively quiet for when we want to return again.

Back to the snorkeling - whilst invisible from the surface, despite the crystal clear sea, on our first session of snorkeling we immediately found ourselves just above at least 1,000 bright blue, striped, split tailed "Bigeye Jackfish".

It was just like swimming in the middle of an aquarium - but we were in the middle of the Red Sea!

More of this monotony tomorrow!

We're off to sunny.....Egypt

2008-02-16T08:10:00.000-08:00

In life, there appear to be three kinds of people; those who look for trouble or problems; those for whom trouble or problems look for them; and those who pass through life not noticing the trouble and strife all around them, whether personally caused by them, or others.

I'm not really sure which "type" I am, although had thought I was more likely to fall into the latter category.

As we set off on holiday, I remembered the disparaging comments that I had made when told that we would be flying with XL Airways. Not that I'd personally experienced them before, but had heard of the exploits of friends and colleagues who had been delayed, in some cases considerably, when flying with them, and on more than one occasion.

However, I also realised that such travel woes, for one of these individuals, was not limited to XL Airways, as she had also been delayed by hurricanes in the Caribbean; missed flights in Florida; and rained on in Broadstairs for 15 years running.

In fact, she is so unlucky in her travels that even her Sat Nav has stopped talking to her, after she constantly ignored "him" on one recent journey!

So the journey started with some trepidation on my part. Before we left home I checked on the Internet to see how long the current delay was for our flight. There wasn't any delay. At the airport we bought some books and a paper to read in the check-in queue. But there wasn't a queue as the desk had opened early. The flight boarded on time, actually took off only 7 mins after the designated flight time, and arrived in Sharm el Sheikh 15 minutes early. The plane was a new 737-800, and whilst the legroom was a little limited, the flight couldn't have been much better.

The only thing that spoilt it was Whistler's Mother. I couldn't actually see (or thankfully for him/her reach) Whistler, and could only imagine that he/she must be aged about 4/5 years old. I am also convinced that Whistler had only learned to whistle this morning.

'Lesson One' has obviously only covered the fundamental principles of blowing air through pursed lips, with future lessons planning to develop the art of making it sound tuneful!!

It also appears that Whistler's "teacher's" last words to him/her had been "...now make sure you practice lots on your holiday!". Because, sure as eggs are eggs (I'm not actually sure what else eggs could actually be but...) young Whistler, whistled away for the best part of 4hours!

As for Whistler's mother - she did absolutely nothing, and sat motionless, as though "sitting" for a portrait, throughout the flight.

Had I brought (or for that matter bought) a pair of headphones I could have listened to something to drown out this tuneless drivel, but I had not, and did not (FIVE POUNDS! Why would I want to spend five pounds on a tacky pair of headphones? Now I know why).

As long as I don't see him or hear him again on holiday he may survive his week off school.

One word of warning to anybody facing such a predicament in future. If you don't have any earphones, do NOT put 'tic tacs' in your ears to block out the noise. They may look like earplugs and are about the same size as earplugs, but they are more difficult to remove from your ears (OK impossible to remove from your ears!) than earplugs!

Does anybody know the Egyptian for Accident & Emergency?

Out of office

2008-02-15T14:11:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow we are off on holiday, where I intend to "Blog like an Egyptian" and I am currently considering what out of office message to leave on my work email system.

Usually I would leave the standard "I will be away on annual leave until the....in my absence please contact..." etc. However, the following alternatives are surely worth a try!

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 25 February. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system… You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 13 weeks.
I’ve run away to join a different circus.
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons… When I return, Please refer to me as ‘ Margaret ‘ instead of ‘Steve’.

Love is all around us....

2008-02-14T13:42:00.000-08:00

How wonderful it is that for one day in the year, the evil spectre of commercialism is hidden behind the tide of warmth and love that is St.Valentine's Day!.

Or, because I like to see life from both sides of the fence - Valentine's Day is second only to Christmas for naked consumerism and is worth around£2.3 billion to the retail sector.

For some men, Christmas is easier than St Cupid's day when it comes to present buying. At least at Christmas it is generally accepted, nay almost traditional, that to buy one's loved one's present at the local garage just before it closes on Christmas Eve, does not imply any more lack of thought than men usually manage to exhibit for the rest of the year!

In fact, I considered that my offering last year of a bag of charcoal, two bags of Haribo, a tree shaped air freshener for her car (shaped like a Xmas tree as well!) and a £2.99 bunch of flowers, to have been almost inspirational.

A special thanks to Texaco for that.

However, not everyone agreed!

But on Valentine's Day, there is the added issue of guilt. Very large bunches of roses would only be met with significant suspicion. One would surely receive the "...what have you done wrong that you need to buy me a large bunch of flowers to make up for?" look.

...or the "Are you trying to make me fat?" retort when you buy her a big box of chocolates.

...or the "Don't you like my ankle length winciette brown nightie then...?" when you buy her that short red satin number.

It is true that I don't actually KNOW that my own nearest and dearest would react in this way - as I've never given her the chance.

I don't like commercialism. Well unless someone wants to buy something for me.

Who says romance is dead?

Macca, Dame and a Nut!

2008-02-12T13:44:00.000-08:00

It is not for me to criticise anyone simply because their attempts at achieving a long and happy marriage eventually failed and ultimately ended in the divorce courts, especially as Valentine's Day approaches.

But after a very happy marriage of 29 years to Linda, one wonders why Paul McCartney said yes to Heather Mills when she asked him if he wanted to"...hop into bed".

(She also asked him if he wanted to hop to the shops, hop to the cinema etc etc)

After four years of marriage Sir Paul is the one who has been left hopping....hopping mad!

Heather Mills wonders why people label her a money grabber and it is easy to see her point; whilst she was in no way instrumental (please forgive the music related pun but Linda was instrumental as she played the guitar in Wings) in the £825m fortune amassed by Macca in a 40 year career, and whilst she was only married to him for four or so years, she therefore only wants about £60m !

How could anybody call that money grabbing?

Yesterday, Macca said "I feel fine" but added that he was hoping the judge would "...please, please me, as despite giving Heather all my loving", he realised (in a veiled reference to her less than puritanical past?) that "...money can't buy me love".

As the assembled press in front of the divorce court surged forward, Macca urged them to get back, as one news paper back-writer asked him whether after it was all over would he be able to let it be, and just disappear. Macca replied that he was "...going nowhere man" as he had initially tried to be reasonable and had told her that he thought "...that they could come together...and that we could work it out", but that after a hard day's night, he had called his lawyers to help, and had invited "Peggy" (as he had less than affectionately begun to refer to Heather) to politely "take a ticket to ride".

Macca's lawyer, Fiona Shackleton said that sadly, whilst a couple setting out in marriage think that all you need is love, something else is needed."...Marriage," she continued "...is something of a magical mystery tour, sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes in between.

When that same couple turn to each other in church, saying "I want to hold your hand" each declaring "Love me do", they understandably think that it will last forever. As a divorce lawyer let me give you (the press) some advice. From me to you- it doesn't!

Each may twist and shout and he may think that she loves you (yeah, yeah, yeah) but it comes down to money in the end.

There have been some of you - albeit not that many - who have been saying "...Ain't she sweet", well all we can see is that even the Lady Madonna, isn't worth £60m for 4 year's marriage!"

This isn't just science....it's M&S science!

2008-02-10T05:54:00.000-08:00

In a previous blog I have made reference to some of the products that this British institution sells, and have been somewhat critical at times.

However, one should not let it go unnoticed that they have great plans to reduce the level of waste that they produce by 2012.

Their to plan is to "change beyond recognition" the way M&S operates. Initiatives within the 100-point plan include transforming the 460-strong chain into a carbon neutral operation; banning group waste from landfill dumps; using unsold out-of-date food as a source of recyclable energy and making polyester clothing from recycled plastic bottles."

In this way they hope to play their part in the fight against climate change.

All of this is extremely laudable, and demonstrates the seriousness with which they are addressing the issue.

Or so I thought...

Yesterday on visiting the store I noticed the sale of a product that is either: -

an attempt to avoid having to implement the above plan, or
possibly a less than full understanding of what needs to be done to tackle the issue

I am referring to the fact that M&S now sell -

Blue Harbour °Climate Control Pure Cotton Stripe Polo Shirt
£15.00
Product Code: T285563B°

It is attitudes like this that have helped to enable leaders such as George Bush defend America's "gas-guzzling" economic strategy, with the implication that this most important issue of all time can be resolved by wearing a particular kind of T-shirt!

Even the description of the item may confuse those with a less than average IQ -

"The Outlast technology behind this innovative fabric was originally developed for astronauts and is recognised by NASA as Certified Space Technology"

When did you ever see an astronaut wearing a T-shirt in space?

A "quick" lesson in equal opportunities

2008-02-08T10:59:00.000-08:00

Despite the "evidence" in yesterday's entry, of the increased ability of women to "multi-task", it is clear that they are no more able to limit the speed of their car to within the national speed limit than men are.

This, I (personally) established yesterday by attending a 'Speed Awareness' Training course, along with an equal mix of men and women.

Two facts struck me from the outset.

The first was that the participants for this course whilst all having one thing in common - namely that we had been"caught" speeding - were, from an equal opportunities perspective, "ideally balanced".

As well as balanced on gender, we were also, suspiciously, evenly mixed between young and old, ethnic and non ethnic, AND we had two trainers one of whom had a disability!

This "nirvana" for EO officials (I can imagine them ticking all of the boxes of their forms - in triplicate - as I write) also led me to question whether we had in fact been caught or had in fact been "targeted".

The second fact that struck me was that 'Speed Awareness' was not a very good course title. We were all very aware of speed, having recently experienced lots of it. In fact there is also (allegedly) photographic evidence to prove this if the course organisers had been in any doubt.

What we needed to increase our "awareness of" was going slow. A 'Dawdling' or 'Crawling' awareness course was what we needed.

That being said, the course was very good, although the most stressful part was ensuring that we weren't caught speeding either on the way to, or possibly worse, on the way from the course!

I'm not sure whether I bought in to all of the "learning" for as I slowly drove home I did start to think that the government's latest 'Road Safety' campaign -

'Speed Kills, Kill Your Speed",

to be somewhat factually incorrect.

Speed doesn't kill! Hitting people with a car kills. Admittedly more so when you hit them with a very fast car.

So speed isn't a problem, just like fatty food doesn't make you overweight...... unless you eat it that is!

Complexity of women's mind identified...

2008-02-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

This image - taken with the most powerful electron microscope know to man (or woman) has finally been able to capture the inner workings of a woman's mind.

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

To see the "brain" in action - double click on the image to see each of the seperate processes working simultaneously!!!

Apparently the same (female?) scientists have said that in contrast a man has only two balls and they take up all of his thoughts!

But how many did Margaret Thatcher have? Or Hilary Clinton?

After Super Tuesday? Worrying Wednesday!

2008-02-06T12:30:00.000-08:00

Well, as it turned out Super Tuesday concluded in a slightly less than "Super" way (a bit like it eventually did for Hilary Clinton), when I was asked if I could undertake a 45 minute presentation in the austere surroundings of the Institute of Directors in London, in front of an audience of circa 150 HR and legal professionals.

In itself this request wasn't a problem as I quite enjoy public speaking, as long as I know the subject well and have plenty of time to prepare.

Unfortunately, this request met neither of these criteria. I didn't know the subject matter well at all, and the presentation was the following day, namely today!

However, despite doing my first practice "run through" walking down the Mall after lunch (which prompted starnge glances from foreign tourists), closely followed soon after by the presentation itself, it went pretty well, and I now have more proof that not only can I write drivel but I can talk it as well!

The audience were kind. They laughed in the right places, asked plenty of questions, no-one of which were too difficult, and gave good feedback.

The day also further improved at it finished off with an enjoyable champagne reception at a Conran restaurant in Soho, courtesy of a London law firm who I have dealings with.

One race that went flat as a pancake

2008-02-05T14:23:00.000-08:00

One thing that often amazes me as I've travelled around the world is how unsafe other countries are. I've: -

been on boats in Italy where they have let off distress flares in rough seas, without telling passengers what is happening;

been close to the edge of steep cliffs in France with no protective barriers or warning signs;

been almost mown down in Spain by herds (?) of motorcylists without crash helmets etc etc

I'm not sure that they have more accidents than in the UK, but whilst Ithought that they were governed by the same EU regulations, they don't seem to bother quite as much.

In the UK we are oh so compliant.

Today an ancient pancake race has been abandoned because of health and safety laws and red tape.

The 600-year-old Shrove Tuesday do was revived by popular demand in 1998 at Ripon, North Yorks. But the Dean said it had now had become too pricey and difficult with rising police costs and a mountain of risk assessments to let kids take part.

The Very Rev Keith Jukes said: "It's sad." Fellow organiser, Bernard Bateman added: "Health and safety has gone too far. It's a shame these issues stop children enjoying such an event. "It has proved very popular in the past, with schools and businessesentering teams to race while tossing pancakes.

How sacred is sacred?

2008-02-04T11:25:00.000-08:00

The following picture which appeared in today's Evening Standard shows Hindu priests throwing offerings of clarified butter onto a scared fire to invole the permission of mother earth to build a cow protection centre near Watford.

The "bhumi puja" ceremony marks the start of work to create a home for cattle who would otherwise be slaughtered as they are sacred to the Hindu religion.

Fair enough I say, if you want to make the cow sacred, as long as I don't have to, then go ahead.

However, if you look closely in the picture it appears as though the priest has set fire to the head of one of the women.

What's the score here? With no beef to put on the bar-b-que, you pan fry the guests?

America - it's time for a little creativity

2008-02-03T12:57:00.001-08:00

In a week where we are about to have a "Super" Tuesday, (and possibly a fantastic Wednesday, terrific Thursday etc etc) is it not time for the people of America to become a little more creative.

If the land of the free is really one of the greatest democracies in the world, why is it that there is a strong possibility that by 2017, they will have had 16 years of the Clinton dynasty and 12 years of the Bush dynasty.

Whilst both of these families are poles apart in their political views, is it not time to give another family a chance?

There are rumours (I'm sure completely unfounded) that Bill Clinton has been secretely telling voters not to forget the problems seen in Kenya, Angola and Zimbabwe, "...all of whom have black Presidents" and that they shouldn't therefore make the same mistake and vote for Obama!!"

But this is the time to be bold. People of America, the world looks to you to make the right choice. I know that the journey is only just beginning, but make a statement, start the momentum...vote Obama.

It could be you!!

2008-02-02T07:30:00.000-08:00

Every week millions of people buy a lottery ticket, in the hope, if not expectation of winning the jackpot.

The odds of actually winning are 1 in 13,983,816!

This week the UK national crime statistics have also been published.

Within these figures are hidden the level of murders within the UK which equate to 13.7 murders per million people.

Therefore on a like for like basis the chance of being murdered is 192 times the chance of winning the National Lottery.

A new meaning possibly to the term "Your numbers up"!!

Beware of the dentist!

2008-02-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

This evening I had planned to do "something amazing" with my wife!

That's right...we both set out to donate blood.

Whilst, "her indoors" was about to donate her 50th pint, I have not managed to donate more than 15 or so, and had apparently not donated since 2004!

Consequently, I had to have a 1:1 interview with a nurse - which simply meant that she read out all the questions that I had previously answered on the standard questionaire, and I had to repeat the answers out loud that I had previously written.

I'm not sure whether or not this is an attempt to catch fraudulent donors out, but it seemed quite a simple task to complete successfully, for all but the cerebally challenged (Don't they know I have an IQ of 134?)

Just to make the questioning interesting, when asked whether or not I had ever had sex with a man, (or with a woman who had had sex with a man, who had had sex with a man etc) I paused...muttered the name Gavin, paused again, before saying quite hesitantly, "er No..."

However, even this response didn't seem to phase the nurse who proceeded with the questioning.

I had also proudly, ticked the "yes" box against the question, "Have you visited a doctor or dentist in the last 24 hours?", as I had gone to see Dr Khourami, my Polish dentist, earlier that day.

The nurse looked perturbed, even when I said that it had only been for a check up, and that I had only had a "clean & polish".

"...Unfortunately, you can't give blood..." she said, ...because apparently the 'clean and polish, releases a lot of bacteria, which gets into the blood stream... and basically "pollutes" the blood.

If that means that the blood is too "polluted" to give to somebody who would otherwise die without it, I don't feel too crazy about keeping it in my own body, or for having had this allegedly beneficial dentistry treatment.
Next time I shall decline such health treatment...on health grounds!

When is a cake not a cake?

2008-01-31T13:56:00.000-08:00

For many this may seem a somewhat irrelevant question. However, when you have declared at the start of the year that you would give up the 3 C's - Cake, Crisps and Chocoalte, the distinction can be extremely important.

As is often the wont, in UK offices, when a team-member has a birthday, they often buy cakes to celebrate.

This may appear, to the uninitiated, somewhat back to front, but hey who said that life makes sense?

Today, was young Debbie's birthday - well I say young, I think that she may now be 44, which according to the Evening Standard is the worst possible age to be - and she brought in some "cakes".

Oat, cranberry and yogurt clusters - which clearly sounded healthy?

Rocky roads - which I've been on a few of in my life, and...

...Jaffa cakes

It was at this point that the conversation - seemingly in an attempt to deprive me of any enjoyment, or food - turned to the difference between biscuits and cakes. This was partly due to my insistence that a Jaffa "cake" was not actually a cake at all, but a biscuit.

Such was the opposition to this view that I was forced to undertake some detailed research and did in fact establish (this is true!) that: -

Under UK law, no VAT is charged on biscuits and cakes — they are "zero rated".

Chocolate covered biscuits, however, are classed as luxury items and are subject to VAT at 17.5%.

McVitie's classed its Jaffa Cakes as cakes, but in 1991, this was challenged by Her Majesty's Customs and Excise in court. This may have been because Jaffa Cakes are about the same size and shape as some types of biscuit.

The question which had to be answered was what criteria should be used to class something as a cake or biscuit. McVitie's defended the classification of Jaffa Cakes as a cake by producing a giant Jaffa Cake to illustrate that their Jaffa Cakes were simply minicakes.

They also argued that the distinction between cakes and biscuits is simply that biscuits go soft when stale, whereas cakes go hard. It was demonstrated that Jaffa Cakes become hard when stale and McVitie's won the case.

The issue was revisited in an article entitled 'Are Jaffa Cakes really, biscuits?' published in the Journal of Unlikely Science (Volume 1, issue 7,2005).

The article attempted to classify biscuits via a scientific analysis of various features (size, shape, filling etc.) and determined that the Jaffa Cake should be regarded as a biscuit, or 'pseudobiscuit'.

Now I think that it is rare that the HM Customs and Excise ever get (or admit getting) anything wrong, and so I decided to side with them and declared the Jaffa cakes to be biscuits are proceeded to take one to eat....

...until I was reminded that even if they are a biscuit, they are a chocolate covered biscuit, and that I had also pledged to give chocolate up as well...

Mmmm..anybody got a carrot to munch?

The curse of noise pollution

2008-01-29T12:00:00.000-08:00

I have noticed as a long standing (albeit to be fair, usually sitting) commuter that the collective patience of my fellow travellers can be tried by the most simple of things.

Whilst on some routes maybe noise and laughter abound, on my regular 6.35am journey into London, the silence is only punctuated by the occasional snoring of already tired executives and the turning of newspaper pages.

These noises are generally classed as acceptable, as are the gentle tapping on laptop keyboards, as last minute presentations or briefing papers are prepared for early morning meetings.

However, there are unwritten noise limits, which if broken - such as by very loud snoring, or heavy handed thumping of keyboards - will bring a collective turning of heads that couldn't be better synchronised, if it had been choreographed by...by...someone famous for choreographing simultaneous head turning events - i.e. NOT Arlene Phillips!

Anyway, generally everyone stays within the rules, noise levels are low and eye contact generally avoided.

Every so often somebody new will join the carriage, which is sort of OK, as long as they don't sit in my seat, or opposite me and take up more than their half of the table (Not that I use the table, or that they don't need more than their half, but just that it is a line that shouldn't be crossed. In fact, it would be far better if the tables had permanent markings showing each passenger's personal working space or allowance !) or stretch their legs beyond their half of the floorspace etc etc.

These new people, especially if one of a pair and (not wanting to stereotype but, if they are over 60, female, wearing headscarves, slightly deaf, overly excited about going to London - most probably for the first time in their lives - and overly anxious about going to London - most probably for the first time in their lives...can you you see a theme emerging here?) travelling together, are invariably way too LOUD.

However, today's annoyance - which appeared to cause more frustration than yesterdays 6 hours of commuting time - was the fact that somebody was sending a text message, with the key "tones" switched on.

Had it been Beethoven in the carriage, bleep, bleep, bleep , bleeeeep, might (although I'm not totally convinced) have been accepted as potentially, the inspiration for something greater than a mere text message.

(For historians reading this blog (Ha!) I do accept that the above suggestion is somewhat unlikely given that Beethoven died in 1827, the first passenger train didn't arrive until 1833, and I didn't invent the videophone until 1969 but it was used for illustrative purposes only.)

Anyway, the musical texter in our carriage was no Beethoven, in fact he was more like Tolstoy (yes I know he's dead too - such a shock!) as his text was akin to War & Peace, with each letter emitting the same monotonous musical note.

How he got to the end of his novel/text message without having his phone implanted somewhere as dark as where both Tolstoy and Beethoven are buried I'm not sure, but survive he did, as did we.

However, I do think that tomorrow we should all practice our collective tutting, which over time has got slightly out of synch!

British Rail Network needs counselling

2008-01-28T11:49:00.000-08:00

A week ago I started my day with an extremely pleasant walk across London (From Victoria to Trafalgar Square via Hyde Park Corner, Green Park & St. James' Park, in the early morning sunshine.

This morning I have endured what can only me described as total travel chaos!

The 6.35am train into London didn't arrive until almost an hour later. This was due, we were told, to "sensitive rail conditions".

Now the weather this morning was a little bit chilly (but not freezing) and it was quite foggy (but trains generally travel in straightish lines, without junctions to cross or roundabouts to manoeuvre around) but I'm not sure what additional difficulties this would have caused.

In addition, whilst Science wasn't by best subject at school, I had always thought that metal, and in particular iron, was a fairly "hard" substance, a relative "skin-head" of the material world, and not one that could generally be described as "sensitive".

(Whilst 2 previous blog entries have explored the question of "What is irony?", and whilst rail tracks are "irony", I'm not sure the articles will provide a great deal of assistance.) What might have caused this level of untoward sensitivity? Could it have been by an inability to "go off the rails", (given that they are the rails), or the fact that they are always on the "straight and narrow"?

Maybe this is just petulance, and a a sign of their need to rebel once in awhile. If so, one can draw parallels with the police, who with a "no-strike"clause in their contracts, took to the streets in a fit of 'police pique' last week by way of a 20,000 strong peaceful demonstration. I have no problem with the latter, especially as their protest was made in their own time.

For that matter, if the rail network wants to freeze up or melt down or take whatever action it believes is appropriate, at any time between the hours of 2am - 5am, then I would not mind. I feel the same about caravans - let them go where they like in the very early hours of the morning as long as they don't inconvenience me!

However, today's rail sensitivity contributed to a door to door journey time of four and a half hours to travel - in a straight line - about 40miles.

Compare this to the fact that when not totally fit, and whilst somewhat overweight I managed to jog the 26.2 miles of the New York Marathon in 4hours 20 mins, and I may have identified a cheaper, greener and almost time effective method of getting to work!

Or maybe not.......

Sheila's Wheels

2008-01-27T11:20:00.000-08:00

I have never known much about cars - and whilst having secret (ooops!) ambitions to own some flash red sporty number, (or even a car like a Aston Martin DB9) I have never been, nor will ever be, in a position to afford one.

My knowledge of cars is also confused by some of the terminology. Take 'brake horse power' as an example. If a car has 285 bhp - does that give me a lot of brakes? a lot of power? or enough horses to greatly enhance my chances of being the winning trainer of a Grand National winner? (and indirectly more likely to afford a DB9).

It appears to be a totally nonsensical combination, which could just as easily be - Stop, Cow, Go or Left, Pig, Right!

Consequently I have tended to own reliable, but somewhat boring modes of transport.

However, people's attitudes to cars differ greatly, and many years ago, some of our neighbours in Wiltshire used to seem to derive more satisfaction from mending, or "dabbling " with them, than actually driving them.

Not mentioning any names but, due to the above, some cars - often owned or driven by the wives of the above mentioned male "dabblers" - barely ever made it off their drives, with the respective Sheila (used in the Australian sense of one woman's name - Sheila - being an expression used to refer to all women, rather than anybody actually called Sheila!) actually having to use public transport, rather than be able to use her own "Sheila's Wheels".

Hopefully, the insurance company of the same name, hasn't based it's statistics on such individuals because a claim that: -

"Women make the safest drivers,
We could save a bunch of fivers"

could be found to be somewhat misleading given that its hard not to be safe when your car doesn't ever get on the road!

Havant a chance?...Oh yes they had!

2008-01-26T15:30:00.000-08:00

Liverpool had to come from behind twice to beat Havant & Waterlooville and reach the FA Cup fifth round.

Havant, who in league terms were 5 divisions and 152 places behind Liverpool were not over-awed and played magnificently.

Given that they were only denied a third goal with a superb save from the Liverpool 'keeper, and that Peter Crouch was offside when he scored the fifth for the Anfield side, Havant could even have got a lot closer.

Richard Pacquette's header put Havant ahead before Leiva Lucas equalised for Liverpool with a superb 25-yard curler.

Alfie Potter restored the part-timers' lead with a deflected effort, but Yossi Benayoun made it 2-2 from 15 yards.

Benayoun drove in just after the break and stroked home from a rebound to complete his hat-trick before Peter Crouch tapped in to make it 5-2.

The Hampshire side earned the respect of the Anfield Kop who stayed behind to give the Conference side a standing ovation, need we say more - they will never walk alone!

A distant memory

2008-01-25T11:28:00.000-08:00

It may surprise you, but when I first started writing this blog, one of the early comments received was along the lines of "...so little to say, so many words to say it in!", which to be perfectly honest hurt me a little.
However, I suppose that yesterday's blog entry was, some might say, another example of this.
The "passage" is repeated below, but this time with the lyrics of Memory, inserted at the relevant points, by way of a demonstration of how life can, at times, imitate art!

By way of a rather convoluted "link", it is sometimes quite amazing how our memory works, or on occasions doesn't.

Yesterday I was completing an 'on-line' form at work which required me to enter my home address and I instinctively started to type the address of the house (in Wiltshire) that we moved out of over 13 years ago!
Maybe our return there the other weekend had a deeper psychological effect on me than I realised.

There was also the time when someone close to me entered a competition to create a new slogan for advertising Marmite.

Her brilliant entry was "Marmite, the growing up spread that even grown-ups never grow out of!"
This creative, descriptive, succinct slogan could have spawned a new career in advertising...but for the fact that it was in fact the existing slogan for Marmite!

Memory can for some, or maybe it's just me, be triggered by smells.

Memories of a visit to my Aunt & Uncle's house in Beeston, Nottingham in 1970 (ish) can be triggered by the smell of a certain type of plastic, due to the fact that I was collecting 1970 Football World Cup England figurines at the time, and we stopped at a petrol station (Esso?) on the way to get some.

So I can remember an event 37 years ago just by sniffing a bit of plastic, but can't remember where I currently live!

Forgetting where you put things can also cause some problems.

A good friend of ours once took a chicken, that she was cooking out of the oven, to check on its progress, and then put it back to finish it off. When the cooker timer rang some time later she went to get it out of the oven, but it wasn't there...mainly because after she had checked on it earlier she had put it back...under the sink!!!

And as we end the week we can only wonder at: -

the poor memory of Peter Hain, the former UK Work and Pensions Secretary, who resigned after "forgetting"to declare £100k of donor's money;
the poor memory of the Societe Generale trader who appears to have forgotten what he did with £3.6 billion (I wonder if he's looked down the back of his sofa, because it is amazing what you can usually find there);
the poor memory of Kevin Keegan, the new Newcastle United football manager who recently said that he would never return to football manager;

BACK TO YESTERDAY'S ENTRY

Unlike on New Year's Eve when we watched the London firework extravaganza surrounded by 700,000 other revellers, last night, as I went for a late night walk, [MIDNIGHT] all around me was quiet.

Not wanting to spoil this air of tranquility I walked slowly and silently. [NOT A SOUND FROM THE PAVEMENT] Up above, the moon [HAS THE MOON LOST HER MEMORY] shone in a hazy night sky with no sign of any stars [SHE IS SMILING ALONE] and I was even unable to make out the features of the man, (or woman), in the moon.

Whilst just after midnight, the streetlights still shone [IN THE LAMPLIGHT], with some old and decaying leaves from surrounding trees, (despite the fact that Autumn is theoretically long gone), still swirling around my feet [THE WITHERED LEAVES COLLECT AT MY FEET] , as a gentle breeze started to build [AND THE WIND BEGINS TO MOAN].

[MEMORY, ALL ALONE IN THE MOONLIGHT] Such solitude made thinking easier, and whilst life is so good now, I wondered if I'd ever look back with fonder affection of days gone by [I CAN DREAM OF THE OLD DAYS]. It wasn't that I couldn't remember happy, and some might say beautiful, times [LIFE WAS BEAUTIFUL THEN], I could, but I wondered whether such recollections were, or would, eventually become better than the present reality? [I REMEMBER THE TIME I KNEW WHAT HAPPINESS WAS] No doubt I'll dream about this walk one day and re-live these memories again [LET THE MEMORY LIVE AGAIN].

As I walked, the regularity of the streetlights in the distance appeared to flicker [EVERY STREETLAMP SEEMS TO BEAT] in the growing mist, like slow beating hazard lights, emitting some kind of fatalistic warning [A FATALISTIC WARNING].

It appeared as though I wasn't alone in the moonlight for as I turned the next corner a dog-walker (odd looking face) passed me and quietly muttered "'Evenin'" [SOMEONE MUTTERS] as the streetlight above us spluttered [AS THE STREETLAMP SPLUTTERS] and went out, plunging us into temporary darkness. His dog (who he called "Lord") apparently oblivious to the many cats that were silently roaming the streets at this late hour. [SOON IT WILL BE MORNING]

The close relationship...

2008-01-24T15:27:00.000-08:00

I was thinking how much the UK is influenced by activities in the US, when I was reminded of the following joke (?): -

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the sixth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to America but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to America so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed long and loud and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Atlantic? Think of how much concrete...how much steel. The Waves, The Wind, the Weather No, think of another wish."

So the man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Memories of a midnight walk...

2008-01-24T10:00:00.000-08:00

Unlike on New Year's Eve when we watched the London firework extravaganza surrounded by 700,000 other revellers, last night, as I went for a late night walk, all around me was quiet.

Not wanting to spoil this air of tranquility I walked slowly and silently. Up above, the moon shone in a hazy night sky with no sign of any stars and I was even unable to make out the features of the man, (or woman), in the moon.

Whilst just after midnight, the streetlights still shone, with some old and decaying leaves from surrounding trees, (despite the fact that Autumn is theoretically long gone), still swirling around my feet, as a gentle breeze started to build.

Such solitude made thinking easier, and whilst life is so good now, I wondered if I'd ever look back with fonder affection of days gone by. It wasn't that I couldn't remember happy, and some might say beautiful, times, I could, but I wondered whether such recollections were, or would, eventually become better than the present reality? No doubt I'll dream about this walk one day and re-live these memories again.

As I walked, the regularity of the streetlights in the distance appeared to flicker in the growing mist, like slow beating hazard lights, emitting some kind of fatalistic warning.

It appeared as though I wasn't alone in the moonlight for as I turned the next corner a dog-walker (odd looking face) passed me and quietly muttered "'Evenin'" as the streetlight above us spluttered and went out, plunging us into temporary darkness. His dog (who he called "Lord") apparently oblivious to the many cats that were silently roaming the streets at this late hour.

With the mist coming down a bit more it was getting a little bit eerie and I decided to jog the rest of the way home.

It had been a pleasant walk, and it had cleared my head after a busy day at work.

For some, more creative types, such "free thinking time" could have been the catalyst for planning a great adventure; or the start of a book, or the lyrics of a song...

...But which song?

Whilst "breathless" after the jog home, there were no police to be seen, so it isn't "Every breath you take".

Blacker than black?

2008-01-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

Further to yesterday's blog recounting the woes of "Black Monday", it appears that one Australian man has the answer to the question "How much worse can it get?"

In fact he has two answers!

The man in question was attacked by a crocodile and then shot by a colleague who was trying to save him.

Jason Green was bitten on the arm by a crocodile while he was collecting croc eggs west of Darwin yesterday. In an effort to save him, his colleague Zac Fitzgerald fired a pistol, and one round accidentally hit Mr Green in the elbow.

Mr Green's *estranged wife told reporters that she was surprised that he was even at the zoo as he was under notice of redundancy, and had just returned from the joint funeral off his parents who had been murdered the week before.

Having had his own home repossessed, due to severe financial difficulties caused by his drug addiction, Mr Green had at least hoped to move into his parents' home following their untimely deaths, however sadly it burnt down, after being struck by lightning in a freak storm.

Mr Green, who is known as "Lucky" to his friends remains in a stable condition at Royal Darwin Hospital.

* PLEASE NOTE: - from this point on the events are somewhat (OK totally) fabricated!

How black is black?

2008-01-22T14:07:00.000-08:00

If I had to assign colours to the days of the week there is always a chance that Monday, depending upon the range of colours that I was able to choose from, would always be black, or at least a shade of grey.

Contrast that grey/black Monday morning feeling with a Friday afternoon in June which most definitely has a golden yellow feel to it.

Or the green of a Thursday, the red of a Saturday, the blue of a Sunday or...(as some would say) "whatever" colours work for you.

However, whether signified by an association to colours or not, one's views of how good or bad a specific day is, will also be dependent not only upon your outlook but also upon your circumstances.

If you are homeless, jobless, friendless, and penniless - every day may be grey or black (or yellow for that matter), and are less influenced by outside events.

A fall in house prices - matters little when your "home" is a cardboard box! A rise in unemployment - is potentially an increase in neighbours!

The 3rd Monday of the year (as yesterday was) being the day when apparently more workers are off sick from work than any other, has been scientifically"proven" to be the "blackest" day of the year.

However, this means diddlysquat when you are absent from work every day of the year, being one of the long term jobless, and would swap with anybody for just one day of paid employment to be able to buy a coffee or a hot evening meal.

As for the stock market crash and the prospect of recession? "Bring it on!" they shout.

A fall of 323.5 points on London's FTSE 100 in itself may be a source of warmth. More headlines and "column inches" dedicated to the world's financial woes, mean more newspaper pages and with them more protection against the cold as one lies in a doorway in a City somewhere.

So as you sit and moan about the reduction in your "net worth" or paper asset value, look around you. If you see four walls, a computer screen, a TV, a hot meal (or the remains of one) a friendly and familiar face and a glass of wine....then whine no more.

If you see a doorway, empty fast food containers, a cardboard box and a sleeping bag then...

...Well you won't actually because readership of this Blog has barely reached the affluent masses, let alone street people, and even if it had, you don't see many of them with a BlackBerry!

Cue music playing in the background - Ian Drury and the Blockheads -Reasons to be cheerful, 1, 2, 3....

You'll never guess who I (nearly) had in the back of my cab last week

2008-01-21T11:05:00.000-08:00

Thankfully, due to the fact that there were no serious casualties from the crashed BA Boeing 777 flight at Heathrow last week newspaper headline writers were free to "play" around with the fact that the Senior first officer's name was Coward, and that he rather than the Captain (whose name was unhelpfully Peter Burkill) was the real Hero.

"Real Hero was a Coward", being the most common offering.

On first hearing of the crash on my car radio on Thursday afternoon, I was struck, initially with incredulity, by the comments of a taxi driver who had been on the airport perimeter road at the time of the crash and who had recounted that the plane had "...just missed the roof of my cab".

I imagined that this was both extremely unlikely and also a ruse to enable this London cabbie to be able to recount in future - in true cabbie style - "...You'll never guess who I nearly had in the back of my cab the other week....not only a Boeing 777 and its 152 passengers and crew, oh yes!..."

However, it appeared as though, having just missed the perimeter fence before crash landing, that this cabbie's tale was not as exaggerated as I first thought.

I am however waiting for the Green "lobby" (WARNING: - don't say this word over and over again, as you may end up in a retirement home with Noel Edmonds - Deal?) to draw the connection between this, near catastrophic event and the pollution caused by aircraft taking off and landing at one of the world's busiest airports.

Campaigners were out in force last week protesting (and presumably campaigning) against further airport expansion at Heathrow, claiming that both the noise and pollution from aircraft, particularly in communities within two miles of the airport, were having a damaging effect on both the people who live there (sorry, by "both" I don't mean to make it sound that there are only two people who live there) and the environment.

Once they connect their view with those of the Air Accident Investigation Branch's findings that all had gone normally until the aircraft was just 3km (two miles) from touchdown and at a height of 180m (600ft). At this point it appears as though the plane had lost all power.

So, it is therefore possible (almost) to land a plane after shutting off the engines in the final 2 mile approach, thereby significantly reducing pollution in the process. Had the plane been at a height of 700ft rather than 600ft, nobody would have known about the incident!

Now whilst this innovative idea, works for landings, it doesn't quite transfer as well to take-offs.

So I was thinking that we could either: -

harness the power of prayer, (from those thousands of passengers that would in future be praying that their "gliding" planes would land safely), thereby utilising the theory that for every reaction, there is an equal and opposite reaction, or

combining/joining together the red elastic bands that the UK's postmen discard in front of every house in Britain every day and making several giant catapults to project the planes skyward.

If the above "ideas" don't "prove" that necessity is truly the mother of invention, I don't know what does.

Some good job interview advice!

2008-01-20T01:25:00.000-08:00

There was time when I would go to extremely long lengths (or as I'm not too good a swimmer, to extremely long widths) to keep secret anything embarrassing that I might have done or been involved in - whilst obviously being as open and sharing as one could be about the exploits of others.

Not any more - I have seen the light - and am also typing one handed with one arm being twisted behind my back, by her indoors, who has, by a combination of persuasion and violence, persuaded me once again to "redress the balance".

This "tale" occurred around the end of the 1990's when I applied for a job in an HR department in a large company in London. I was lucky enough to get an interview, and whilst I had been to the building before, and also knew the interviewer, decided to get there a little early to "prepare myself".

The job itself was in "employee relations" which would mean getting involved in disciplinary & employment tribunal issues, and also investigations into the wrongdoings and misdemeanours of the company's employees.

Shortly before the allotted time for the interview I decided that I would visit the "Gents" toilet, (or Restroom for my American readers) to make myself "comfortable".

Both the Ladies and Gents toilets were situated next to each other on the first floor landing, and could be visited before (or after) entering the working floor itself via a security pass.

I went into the toilet and entered a cubicle and (I won't go into all the detail here) sat down.

As I was sat on the toilet I heard the footsteps of another person entering the toilet. Nothing particularly unusual about that you may think, and you would be right up to a point as I had noticed that there were about five cubicles...but there was something that started to feel a little bit odd.

The footsteps were somewhat different. Not the firm, heavy footsteps of a man, but the lighter, "pitter, patter" footsteps of a woman in heels. Why had a woman entered the men's toilets? Maybe it was a female cleaner, not realising that one of the cubicles was occupied.

As I sat there waiting for - amongst other things - her to leave, I looked around me.

To my left was a tallish metal "bin", with a torn label on the top, with the only words that I could make out being "...tary towells". Odd. I then started to think about the layout of the toilets. As I have said there were about five cubicles, and.....no urinals!

Arghhhhh I was sat in a cubicle in the ladies toilets waiting to go for an interview for a job in employee relations!!!!!

Instead of being interviewed for a job, I could end up being interviewed as part of a sex discrimination investigation!

Now I could lie and spin out this story, but in reality I simply waited for the woman to leave and after a few minutes made what can only be described as sharp exit! I wasn't seen by anybody else and miraculously "got away with it".

However, to this day, I pause as I enter any public toilets, to check the sign before I go in.

So my advice if you're going for an interview, particularly in HR, would be...don't drink or eat for 3 hours before the interview, don't go to the toilet, before, during or after and if that is not possible - if you need to wear glasses due to poor eyesight, MAKE SURE YOU WEAR THEM!

Location, Location, Location

2008-01-19T11:01:00.000-08:00

Reports appeared all over the press in the UK this week in connection with the fact that OFSTED - which I believe stands for the Office for Standing in the way of Education - have stated that children are being denied the chance to take part in geography field trips, and that as a result geography is in decline in England's schools as growing numbers of pupils abandon a subject they find "boring and irrelevant".

One key way to make lessons more exciting is through field trips, Ofsted said in a report. But teachers often decide not to take pupils on expeditions

In an extremely outrageous and stereotypical statement, Karl von Stubbings, Professor of Sexist studies at UCL stated that "...we all know that the staff sex imbalance is particularly stark in primary schools. The figures from the Department for Children, Schools and Families show that in 2008 just 15 per cent of primary school teachers are men, down from 20 per cent in 1986.

This fact combined with research undertaken by psycho-biologist Qazi Rahman, of the University of East London, which concluded that: -

"Overall, men are better map readers, and by quite a big margin."

Even with practice, most women can only improve their performance slightly.

This is because men and women navigate in different ways. Men take a bird's eye view of their journey to get an overall sense of where they are going, whereas women break it down into bite-size chunks, navigating in relation to where they are at the time. This is why women turn maps around to match the direction they're facing, and use landmarks to find their way.

Professor von Stubbings stated that his conclusion was that the reason why geography results are falling is not that female primary schoolteachers don't take their pupils on field trips, they do....it's just that they can't find their way back!!

A new language emerges....

2008-01-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

As if the world doesn't have enough words AUSTRALIA appears to be continuing to invent words and phrases to reflect modern society and is holding a competition to see which should succeed. Here are a selection of some of the entries - with a few additional nominations.

Perhaps these will become part of our everyday language at some point in the future...albeit for some in many, many years time.

SMIRTING - developed as a consequence of the smoking ban... "Smirting" meaning chatting up a fellow smoker while having a sneaky puff outside: "Smoking + Flirting = SMIRTING".
BOSSTALGIA - nostalgia for the old boss when you've forgotten what a nightmare they were: see Margaret Thatcher, John Major, Tony Blair et al.
CARBON PAW PRINT - this is what is left by owners taking their dogs - in cars - to the park for a walk.
MONKEY BATH - a bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Ho! Aa!Aa!Aa!".
MOUSE POTATO - the on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
WIINJURY - injury sustained whilst playing on a Nintento wii.
GADGETRICIAN - one who embraces new technology and the host of new gadgets it brings.
SPROGINATOR - derived from terminator - child with tendency to destroy best laid plans.
PLEATHER - e.g. cheap leather 'look' handbags that are made of plastic.
PICNIC - Problem In Chair Not In Computer. Often seen on IT help-desk reports.
GLOBESITY - the problem of rising obesity around the globe.
FLOORDROBE - the use of the floor as a substitute wardrobe.
PASSWORD FATIGUE - Frustration caused by having too many passwords and failing to remember them.
TANOREXIA - An obsessive desire to have tanned skin.
CHINDIA - refers to China and India as a collective unit, in terms of economic power and strategic importance.
KIPPERS - adult children who fail to leave home - a contraction of Kids In Parents' Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings.

Redressing the balance

2008-01-17T13:28:00.000-08:00

As I never intend to offend others - well friends and family - with partially true stories from times gone by - I feel that it is only fair that I share stories about "yours truly", that if the boot were on the other foot, others might recount about me, (had they known about them in the first place that is).

Such as the time when I was invited to lunch with the Queen and arrived at her "country house" somewhat caked in mud. I had walked, rather than driven, to her house, which involved negotiating a half flooded lane to get there.

Thus, (for readers from overseas, we obviously still use words like thus and forsooth in England) I had to clamber up a muddy bank and half way through a prickly hedge to avoid either drowning (who knows how deep the water could have been?) or arriving with water dripping from the bottom of my suit trousers - which is never a good look, especially in the presence of royalty.

Now, whilst the above "facts" are almost totally correct, the only minor discrepancy is one of timing. The "lunch" in question took place about 18years ago, and the individual - Camilla Parker-Bowles - is unlikely to be "Queen" for another 15 or 20 years.

Why was I lunching with her? (and for that matter about 15 others) well mainly because we had so much in common.

She lived on a country estate in Wiltshire, whilst I lived on a housing estate in Wiltshire (we were also on the same charity fund-raising committee).

The lunch was actually put on for the press to officially launch the charity within the County, and was very successful.

All bar one of the committee members had contributed something for the event. CP-B's "cook" had, not unsurprisingly, done the cooking; others had contributed either wine from their "cellars" or food (most probably from Fortnum & Masons or Harrods) or something equally expensive. I had obviously considered taking either a bottle of Blue Nun or Liebfraumilch, but had decided at the last minute that it might be considered excessive by the "press boys" so not wanting to encourage any headlines relating to "elitism", I resisted and simply took myself.

After the event, I set off on the short, but potentially wetter, journey home in the rain, when Lord John Oaksey stopped to give me a lift to the end of the lane. As you may know Lord Oaksey is now a racing correspondent who began his horse racing career as long ago as in 1955 and went on to ride over 200 winners in the ensuing twenty years, including the Whitbread Gold Cup and the Hennessy Gold Cup( both races on Taxidermist).

With such a wealth of knowledge at his disposal I was so pleased that as he dropped me off he gave me two tips for the next days races, or so I thought. However, as much as I scanned the newspapers and teletext for a sign of these "racing certainties", I couldn't find them and I never go to know how much I could have won, if I'd managed to place the bets.

I do remember the two "tips" though:

"Different Class" & "Uptoyurneck"

Christmas Time, Superglue & Port...

2008-01-16T12:50:00.000-08:00

The above title should be sung to the tune of Cliff Richards' "Mistletoe and wine..."

I have previously - albeit in the dim and distant past of Academia (where the words dim and distant where used in a more personally descriptive manner!) - been tasked to make up a story out of 3/4 words, such as Scalectrix, Superglue & Port.

Such exercises were meant to test both our creativity and literary skills, and usually left me "wanting" on both counts. Had I known of the incident that was to occur later in my life, such exercises would have been "...a breeze"!

The incident which occurred approximately 20 years ago at Christmas time actually involved the aforementioned items.

I received a call from good friends of ours, on (as I remember it) Christmas Eve. It may not actually have been Christmas Eve, but if I said it had been 23 July, the story would lose a certain degree of impact. But actually I do think that: -

'Twas The Night Before Christmas
(when the call was received)
and when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St.Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

Well actually I may digress because what was certainly in the heads of our friends' sons, was a brand new Scalectrix set!

What was the reason for their call you might ask?

Well, there had been a motor racing disaster that dwarfed the recent minor spat between McLaren and Ferarri, which in a similar way had also involved a misinterpretation of the instructions.

On our friends 'practice lap' - they had attempted to construct the track so that it was ready for their boys to play with on Christmas morning. A great "plan".

Unfortunately the instructions stated that to join the pieces of track together the tabs on the end of each section should be "...turned, twisted and snapped" into position. Having turned, twisted and snapped each tab on each section of track, our friends were lefts with forty unconnected sections of track and 160 seperate, twisted pieces of square plastic.

After some careful application of Superglue, we actually managed to re-fix the tabs back to the track and re-create the circuit so that - whilst not perfect, it was, in the short term, operational & so Christmas wouldn't be ruined.

What of the port? Well being a naive young (ish) thing, I hadn't actually drunk Port before, and therefore didn't realise that it wasn't drunk out of a tumbler - although I would have thought that my, more worldly wise host would have done. Most of the bottle of Port was consumed as we stuck the track back together.

I can attest that having left the house, the Port "kicked in" within the short time it took to get home...after which time I couldn't remember whether it was Christmas or Easter

A little mischief making

2008-01-15T11:32:00.000-08:00

Having "lifted the lid" this weekend on my previous life in Wiltshire, I thought it would be a shame to close it again without further recollections of those distant days.

In fact "distance" is a somewhat relevant word, as not only does it "...make the heart grow fonder", but it also makes me, now safely ensconced back in Sussex, feel safer - from any potential threats of physical violence - should the "subjects" of my recollections, not wish such tales to be re-told.

There are many stories to tell, such as the tale of Scalectrix and Superglue at Xmas; or How to get a piano on a double-decker bus; or the story of Paul and his car repair (?) business - but more of these another time.

Today's tale from the days of "yore" concerns a holiday that we took with the our close friends the B family (alphabetic not insect).

Following the holiday, which had been in the south of France, I decided that there was an opportunity for little mischief.

Whilst away, although not exactly a case of "...when in Rome, do as the Romans do" - mainly because we were in France and not Italy- the "women" did partake in some topless sunbathing - please see Blog entry of 10November 2007 for photographic evidence!

Well at the time in question (which co-incidentally was around the time that Twin Peaks was on TV) both of the aforementioned "women" worked at the local primary school, which both children in both families attended, and where I was on the Board (bored?) of Governors.

Now, whilst not totally ethical, my position at the school, gave me access to school 'headed paper', which when combined with a topless photo and too much spare time equals "mischief"!

So it was that I penned a letter, purporting to be from the school Headteacher, advising S that (something along the lines of)

"...due to the fact that pupils had been circulating topless photos of her in the playground, the Board of Governors would have no option but to consider her position as a member of staff due to potentially bringing the good name (?) of the school into disrepute...."

I must say that the letter did look official and it was delivered (most probably under cover of darkness to S's house. I'm not sure how long we left it before announcing that the letter was hoax, but I know it wasn't long as I didn't want to risk any potential double-bluff involving claims from S that she'd already rung the headteacher to apologise.

The letter had "worked", at least momentarily, and my life became a little less safe from that moment on!

PS I am ashamed at those of you who paused from reading this story to go in search of the topless photos in the 10 November entry - I know who you are!

As if I would do something as underhand as that...

Talent that knows no bounds.......

2008-01-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

Talent, even if "undoubted" talent, is sometimes not enough to ensure that an individual achieves their potential, or rightful place in society.

In the 1940's Nat King Cole's success and star-billing in some areas didn't completely shade him from the industry's pervasive racism that simultaneously denied him access to certain venues and hotels.

In the 2000's Michelle McManus won Pop Idol and then failed to reach the top, not because of any vocal inadequacies (well not only because of...) but largely (!) because of her size.

You may say that that is"fat-ist", but as Jimmy Carr would most probably (and disgracefully) say "No, she’s fattest!".

So we are surrounded by people with skills and talents that possibly aren't appreciated as much as they should be...and this weekend we were reminded of another such an individual.

Whilst not a singer, he is certainly an entertainer, although when we "hired" him (can you "hire" someone if no money changes hands?) it was his "talents" as an electrician that we were interested in.

For confidentiality reasons I will call him Steve (his real name) Bush(as he lives in a White House). We had asked Steve to undertake some electrical work around our house (also in the aforementioned Tropenell Triangle) some 15 years ago.

This work included mending our front door bell. After some time working on the bell Steve announced that he had successfully managed to get it ringing again. And he had. Unfortunately, that's all it did - ring, without stopping!

Upon pointing this out to Steve he took the batteries out of the bell....but it kept ringing. After much consideration, and having drawn many technical diagrams (which with hindsight I now believe were nothing more than Steve doodling to pass the time) Steve established how to stop the bell ringing -by pushing the bell push.

This level of ingenuity and innovation should have propelled Steve to Trade Awards, and recognition amongst his peers, but I'm not sure that it ever did. We had a doorbell, which in its own “special” way let us know when somebody was at the door - because it stopped ringing!

As long as the ringing noise in our ears continued, we were safe in the knowledge that nobody wished to visit us!

This level of "talent" is so rarely seen - Praise be to God!

A step back in time....

2008-01-13T08:25:00.000-08:00

This weekend we experienced an extremely enjoyable, albeit somewhat surrealistic at times, couple of days in Wiltshire. The primary reason for the visit being the (shhhh 50th!) Birthday Party of Sheila (who for confidentiality reasons we shall use the surname of "Savoy").

Prior to the party we had visited the picturesque village of Cranford, as seen in the recent TV documentary. It was clear that they were about to use the village for either a film or TV drama, as everybody was wandering around in costumes a million miles from those worn by Miss Matty Jenkyns and others, and had quaintly re-named the village "Lacock", so that people wouldn't know exactly where it was.

Upon visiting one of the local shops, which I'm not now sure whether it was real or part of the film set, I saw a sign on top of a stack of shopping baskets which read: -

"Please use a basket to help you select your shopping"

Being a compliant soul, I picked up a basket and held onto it for a few minutes but it proved to be useless in helping me to select anything, so I just had to put it down and leave.

It appeared as though "Lacock" was being "made" to appear in the film as though it was an island as they seemed to be flooding the surrounding area whilst we were still there, and rather than risk being trapped in the middle of the film set for some time we made a sharp exit back to Chippenham to prepare ourselves for the party (well relatively sharp, in that we had to have a quick drink in one of the film set's local "pubs" - which we thought would be a bit like drinking in the "Queen Vic", or "Rovers Return", but no actors were to be seen!).

Now, it must be said that there were a few reasons for me thinking that as we had entered Chippenham earlier in the day we had actually passed through some strange space-time continuum/"portal", that took us back at least 20 years in time. (Actually due to combination of a wrongly programmed SatNav, and the town's one-way system, we may actually have gone through the "portal" a number of times!).

At the party, most of the adults - especially "birthday-girl" Sheila Savoy - looked just as they had done when we last lived in the area 13 years ago. Sheila, in fact looked no different to when we had celebrated her 30th birthday with an impromptu party in our cul-de-sac, in 1988.

It's not as though I don't have proof - the following picture evidences how time has stood still in this area - which has become known locally as the 'Tropenell Triangle'. One thing that has improved over the years however is the standard of the catering. This weekend the food and drink was in plentiful supply, however it appears that in 1988, we had: -

A birthday cake
A bottle of port
A bottle of gin
A bottle of wine
A can of beer, and
a bottle of Ribena - presumably for the kids

which wasn't exactly a lot for 50 people. (Apparently, experiments had been undertaken with some water, barley loaves, and some fishes in the preceding days but these had been largely unsuccessful.)

Now what made this weekend somewhat strange was that whilst the majority of the adults had retained their youthful looks, their offspring had grown up into mature, intelligent, (as evidenced by their numerous university degrees) friendly, (what can only be described as) "adults". Thus appearing to narrow the gap between their own age and that of their parents - weird!

The evening was one of catching up with (not) old (looking) friends, with excellent entertainment, the aforementioned good food, and a few drinks...some dancing....and then a few more drinks....and then etc.

Debs & Steve (that name doesn't ring a bell!), Nigel (Five Sheds) & Sue, Paul & Sandra, Bev & Rob, Sue, John & Marie and many others who we knew were there all enjoying themselves - dancing (to the partial embarrassment of the "yoofs" present) - drinking , chatting and generally having great fun.

In fact the only person who I thought looked slightly older than he used to was Paul, Sheila's husband - until I realised that it wasn't Paul that I was speaking to, but Paul's father!

What defines being British?

2008-01-11T09:49:00.000-08:00

After spending recent days musing on all things American, it is perhaps time to remind the listening (OK reading) world (OK not the entire world but this blog is now read in 18 countries!) what "Being British" is all about.

Being British is: -

Driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and the most British thing of all? - Suspicion of anything foreign!!!

Oh and......

Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain...do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain...do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain...are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

So if you have a passport - I'm sorry that this excludes the majority of you Americans - why not pay us a visit!

2008 Christmas No1

2008-01-10T14:20:00.000-08:00

After mentioning Obama's New Hampshire speech yesterday, I was interested to hear reports of some of its detail, which I hadn't listened previously listed to, but which appeared to reach out to the people, of all ages.

With his wife and daughter by his side and referring to Hillary Clinton's victory, Barack O (as he's known on the street) eloquently, and some would say lyrically, covered issues of race, diversity, decision making and choice as he recounted in his southern drawl what messages he had been delivering in the hustings.

He told the democrat supporters present: -

"...And I told about equality, an' its true, either you're wrong or you're right. But, if you're thinkin' about my baby it don't matter if you're black or white"

How prophetic!

Without wishing to over analyse exactly what each word meant, I believe that he has often referred to America itself as being his "baby", something he cares almost as deeply about as his own child. These selfless words reflect his desire for change and for the American people to decide between either him or Hillary Clinton, and that despite his personal ambitions it doesn't matter which of them they choose, because whichever one they choose, that choice is better than the Republican alternative.

The man is almost becoming a rock star, and is already the 6/4 favourite at Ladbrokes to be No. 1 in the UK singles chart this Christmas (presumably - and this is a prediction - beating Chantelle, from Essex who will win the fourth X Factor series after "amazingly" coming from behind (?) to beat Gavin, 21, a 17-stone, peroxide blond, gay, male Liverpudlian op/rock vocalist from a broken home and who only got to the final with the support of his"friend" Derek, 53 from Cheadle, and who will became famous throughout the series for crying more than singing - sweet!)

Ronseal approach is best

2008-01-09T11:28:00.000-08:00

As I said only a few days ago, we have possibly just witnessed history in the making, as the American Democrat voters in New Hampshire signal their intent to help Hillary Clinton become the first female President.

Well I think that's what I predicted. OK, I admit that this paragraph will change many times between now and 'Super' Tuesday, with the words "black" and "female" being interchangeable from caucus to caucus.

I did mention the other day that encouraging voters to barack Obama, might not be the most productive means of creating the right kind of atmosphere for success, and having watched his post defeat speech (actually oratory is more accurate, for this man actually has the power to "engage" a crowd, more than any other American politician since Clinton - Bill not Hilary, or Kennedy) his campaign organisers should carefully consider whether Obama's campaign slogan - "We want change!" should be used after he has won the previous caucus.

In Iowa, Barack Obama won handsomely; "We want change!" chanted (or barracked) his supporters in New Hampshire, and they got it with a Hilary Clinton victory.

Now it's not rocket science, (Unless you work for NASA) but I always prefer the Ronseal approach ("it does what it says on the tin") and whilst not particularly pithy, Obama's supporters should "spice" it up and be asked to shout: -

"we'll tell you who we want, who we really, really want, a ziga a ziga, a Barack Obamahhhhhhhhhh!!!"

Technology - and a Prime Minister - gone mad?

2008-01-08T11:07:00.000-08:00

Now it has to be said that I have more than a passing interest in the latest hi-tec gizmos, but I cannot quite understand some of the digital and wireless technology available in 2008.

Apparently, Geotherm Wireless showers are "...remote-controlled from anywhere in the house".

Excuse me?

Why, if you're in the shower would you want to control it from anywhere other than "IN" the shower.

I accept that if you have unwelcome guests staying with you, it might be fun to send them on their way to "freshen up" with a nice hot shower, wait downstairs until you hear them singing the theme tune from Disney's 'Enchanted' (a very good film by the way!) and then zap the remote temperature control down to minus 5 degrees, turning on (presumably by another remote control) the radio to a volume sufficient to mask their cries of pain.

Other than for this type of "high jinx" I can think of no other reason for the existence of this shower.

The previous 13 words also come to mind in relation to Gordon Brown's Cabinet whose latest offering of "health checks for everyone", at a time when you can wait up to 4 weeks in A&E just to see a hospital porter; when a visit to hospital usually results in you leaving in a less healthy state than when you went in, and when junior doctors still work on average for 32 hours per day.

(Please note that these statistics have been provided by the usual experts!)

The only people who actually go to their doctors are people wealthy enough in that they have a job and because they have a job are (sadly) deluded enough to think that they might be suffering from "...work-related stress" - that is to say, the "wealthy, worried, (but actually) well" - whereas those who are genuinely sick often can't either afford the prescription or afford to be able to take time off to see the doctor in the first place - even assuming they can get an appointment!!

Nice one Gordon!

Jesuits to vote for 'Black Pope'

2008-01-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

One of the challenges that I face on a daily basis is trying to avoid being "sucked into" buying a London newspaper, by the ever increasingly misleading billboard(?) headlines.

However, the above headline which appeared in today's Telegraph initially led me to think that the Roman Catholic church had decided to abandon their historical conservatism, and decide to elect a new black Pope, ignoring the minor detail of having a living white Pope in the Vatican already.

Now I'm sure that a Black Pope would go down a storm in Africa, a continent that historically will have turned a blind eye to similar inconvenient truths, and creative enough to "lose" Pope Benedict XVI, in order to create a "vacancy" for a black Pope to be elected.

But one would have thought that Plan A - e.g. to bury the current Pope under a pile of eggs, in the style of Eggs Benedict - would have been "hatched" prior to announcing news of Plan B to vote for the Black Pope.

As you can imagine, the headline was nothing more than a misleading hook to attract readers (You'll never see me doing this, in this Blog!)

Apparently, the 'Black Pope' nickname refers to the simple black vestments worn by the Jesuits and to the power the leader holds. The Society of Jesus, which was founded in the 16th century by St Ignatius Loyola to be the "Pope's cavalry.

The outgoing leader, Father Peter-Hans Kolvenbach, 79, has served since 1983. He is the first head to ask to retire, a request granted by Pope Benedict.

Is Obama Sin Laden?

2008-01-06T13:39:00.000-08:00

It must be extremely annoying - albeit totally avoidable - when after many years of striving to achieve political office, an individual's moment of glory is marred by the "gutter" press publishing damaging news of either prior financial ruin, sexual misdemeanors or some other act which succeeds in damaging their reputation before they've even had time to build one.

There have been plenty of examples of political indiscretions, of which the following are just 3 in a long list: -

Bill Clinton, the former US President, who, with reference to Monica Lewinsky stated - "I did not have sexual relations with that woman".

Charles Kennedy, the former Liberal Democrat leader, who in an interview with David Dimbleby declared - "Yes, I'm actually an extremely moderate and infrequent consumer of alcohol as a matter of fact."

Mark Oaten, the disgraced Liberal Democrat MP who stated - after being outed - that "...going bald and a mid-life crisis had led him to have an affair with a male prostitute.

[Clearly Bill's eyesight was poorer than we knew ("...AW sorry, I thought you were pointing at THAT woman"); Charles didn't have frequent spells of drinking alcohol, just one and therefore he was by definition an infrequent consumer of alcohol. However, the one time that he had drank alcohol lasted from 1988 to 2007!; Mark, on the other hand was simply a bald, gay man, who had been pretending to be a liberal democrat MP!]

So what is the position with Barack Obama? Does he have a past laden with sin, or is he as clean-cut and wholesome as he is being made out to be? If he has skeleton's in his cupboard, should he let them out now or risk having them let out for him in the future, thereby destroying his prospects of making US political history and becoming the first black US President, and also the first President with a name that invites those around him to "...jeer or shout at him".

So Mr Obama, if you have a drink, financial or marital problem in your past let us know now so that the American people can decide whether or not you are fit to become the most powerful man in the world.

However, if your problems are either intellectual or involve corruption, dishonesty or deceit, then feel free to keep them secret. George Bush has all of these qualities and he survived for 2 terms!

But how?

Hello Barack & Isaac, Goodbye Donald!

2008-01-04T11:17:00.000-08:00

As days go, January 4th felt somewhat inferior to other monthly "4ths".

For example it never expected to get into the movies, and certainly not in a speaking part, as May 4th had done in Star Wars.

It was also not ready to leave home in search of independence as July 4th had done, prior to heading off for America.

January 4th was simply an ordinary day.

It wasn't as though it hadn't seen life (or death) it had and plenty of it.

Sir Isaac Newton was born on January 4th 1643 - well actually Isaac Newton was born, the 'Sir' bit coming some time later.

Wouldn't it have been a great piece of foresight if he had been christened 'Sir' Isaac, or, in fact an even greater achievement, if the honour had been bestowed upon him at birth for 'services to Science whilst in the womb'.

Just think, if the 17th century midwifery practice had changed at midnight on 3 January 1643, from encouraging women to give birth lying down, to giving birth standing up...Isaac could - albeit theoretically -have discovered gravity upon entry (and fairly rapid entry at that) into the world.

However, depending upon the actual speed of "entry", January 4th could have become renowned for the birth, knighthood and death of baby Sir Isaac, AND the discovery of gravity all in the space of (regal administrative prior planning permitting) a few minutes.

Anyway, sadly life didn't turn out that way and it was not until 1967 when January 4th saw a notable death, when Donald Campbell also discovered gravity as well as the fact that whilst at 0 mph water is quite soft...at 300mph it feels (although only very briefly in Donald's case as he was soon to end up permanently "in the soup") as hard as concrete!

However, there is a slight chance that January 4th may achieve the notoriety that it deserves and in the future be recognised as the day the world realised that America was soon to get its first black President!

Welcome Barack Obama!

APOLOGY - RETRACTION

2008-01-03T12:56:00.000-08:00

Due to the difficulty in both creating content for this Blog whilst at the same time reviewing the many (OK two!) comments received, it is not always possible to ensure that the comments made are neither inappropriate nor offensive.

I must therefore apologise for the comment that briefly appeared after yesterday's entry, prior to me being able to withdraw it. The reference to Paul McCartney & Heather Mills proved too much for one person who sadly added the following comment:

Paul McCartney stated that he was surprised that Heather Mills was trying to secure such a large divorce settlement, as he had always been very generous to her during their marriage. He stated that the year before their split he had bought her a plane!

Although she still used IMMAC on the other leg!

Many apologies for anybody who was upset by this comment!

Life begins at 74!

2008-01-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

Some people have limited expectations about the future, but today I had great expectations. These "expectations" were for overnight snow sufficient to render it impossible for me to make my way into London.

Let's face it, it wouldn't have taken a lot of snow to achieve this - the UK rail network is capable of grinding to a halt without the intervention of anything at all, whether snow, soggy leaves, or falling or jumping passengers - but not a flake fell anywhere near us.

You would imagine that in this litigious age I should be able to sue somebody, or something. I am sure that Carol Kirkwood, BBC's chirpy weatherperson, "promised" me snow.

Failure to deliver on this "promise" deprived me of a "lie-in", and caused me temporary depression - which for legal reasons I consider to be a disability.

That's the problem with looking forward to something that doesn't carry a cast iron guarantee with it, so often you end up being disappointed.

My work colleagues also said that they were disappointed that the lack of snow had enabled me to get to work, and I am taking this to mean that they were disappointed "for me". What else could they mean?

However, some people never give up hope and continue to look forward to the future. So if you have a birthday today, whether you are 60, 74, 80 or 102 just think of the example set by Eric King-Turner and his wife Doris who have decided to emigrate to New Zealand.

They are both looking forward to a long future ahead of them where Eric hopes to spend his time indulging in his passion of fly fishing, in a country "...similar to Britain, but less crowded.".

Not that unusual you might think, apart from the fact that Eric is 102 and Doris is 87!

So for any Birthday Girls (or Boys), having giving you hope for the future I will now share the (scientifically proven) world's funniest joke as my present to you.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man whips out (...wait for it!) his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the man says: "Okay, now what?"

Look out Eric, are you sure that that was a walking stick that Doris was packing?

Link betwen divorce and cheese discovered!

2008-01-02T13:39:00.000-08:00

Once again we set out into the great unknown of a new year that is to be 2008 with confusing facts all around us.

Apparently, according to an article in this morning's paper, in 2006 the number of divorces in Great Britain was 18% lower than in 1992, the year that Prince Andrew and Fergie (of the royal, rather than black eyed peas variety) split.

This raises a number of questions. Firstly why do some statisticians take so long to produce their data and is this any reflection on their overall level of expertise?

I don't want to know about 2006's figures I want 2007's. Secondly, how do the UK's figures compare with the rest of the world.

Apparently the UK divorce rate is running at 53%, but, the experts (ha!) state that these are nowhere near as high as in Sweden (64%), Russia (65%) or Belarus (68%).

They go on to state that: -

"...one factor that has never been fully quantified is the temperature, since the highest divorce rates all occur in sub-zero temperatures."

I must say that my earlier concern regarding the aptitude of these experts is increasing. When faced with the serious issue of divorce rates - it is a significant leap across the statistical divide to create a link with temperature as the most significant cause.

Some ill informed individuals (of which I am clearly not one) might offer contradictory views such as "...Rubbish, what do you expect? Have you never seen a Belorussian woman?"

To which I would have to respond "...no, but I have seen Anna Kournakova so what's your point?" (Thank you Charlotte - but you don't actually have to point every time!).

Linking divorce rates with low temperatures is as useful or insightful as linking it with the number of stray cats in the country, or mice, or cheese. Come to think of it each of these items - especially in Belorussian 'cartoon-land - is related. There are (really there are!) large numbers of stray cats in Belarus, presumably due to a plentiful supply of mice, who can surely only survive in the low temperatures with copious supplies of cheese. (What do you mean mice don't really like cheese?)

Therefore, as valid a causal link as low temperatures and high divorce rates is that of cheese and high divorce rates. Whilst a somewhat bizarre theory, we should really try to persuade others that it may be true. Otherwise George Dubblya Bush, may try to use a continuation of global warming policies as a means of increasing the sanctity of marriage in the US.

In a another headline today, it was stated that: -

"Paul McCartney has operation on his heart".

Is it only me, or the vast majority of the population in the UK who immediately thought of the words "...after having been broken by Heather Mills"!

QUESTION: - Do you have any last minute advice as we approach 2008?

2007-12-30T11:56:00.000-08:00

When asked how she would most want to be a certain female author simply replied: -

"...As someone who did the best she could with the talents she had."

As we approach a New Year, which will be undoubtedly full of challenges, fun, sorrow, successes and failures - in varying degrees, it is useful to consider how it is possible to progress towards one's dreams - just as that young author did.

In August 1996, the author in question was a single parent living in Edinburgh who had been trying to write a book for the previous 6 years, and who had been turned down by publisher after publisher.

In 2007, after a few flicks of his magic wand, Harry Potter has turned this author - J.K. Rowling into a billionaire (estimated to be worth $1 billion), one of only five self-made female billionaires, and the first billion-dollar author. Not too bad for 10 years work.

And so if we all try to do the best we can with whatever talents we have, who knows what might be the result!

QUESTION: - Is it true that life tends to be symmetrical?

2007-12-29T10:35:00.000-08:00

Yes, and here is the scientific(?) proof showing how one's view of success is perfectly symmetrical: -

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

So even if you're aged 4 or 80 you're quite likely to have something in common . . . unless your successful!

QUESTION: - What have we learnt in 2007? - Part 3

2007-12-28T10:23:00.000-08:00

Our third and last in this series - from the perspective of the old and wrinklies...

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

QUESTION: - What have we learnt in 2007? - Part 2

2007-12-27T10:05:00.000-08:00

In this 2nd of three answers, we view what adults have learnt in 2007: -

Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
Wrinkles don't hurt.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

QUESTION: - What have we learnt in 2007? - Part 1

2007-12-26T09:54:00.000-08:00

This very much depends upon who you are, and how old you are.

In this first of 3 "lessons from life" or "life lessons" we view some of the great truths that little children have learnt in 2007: -

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Granddad's lap.

QUESTION: - What gifts were given during the 12 days of Christmas?

2007-12-25T13:40:00.000-08:00

The following trail of correspondence highlights the gifts and how they were responded to: -

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving Emily.

Dec. 26

Beloved Edward,

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always, Emily.

Dec. 27

My darling Edward,

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.

Your devoted Emily.

Dec. 28

Dearest Edward,

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily.

Dec. 29

Dearest Edward,

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present!
Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,
Emily.

Dec. 30

Dear Edward,

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds.
We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?

Love, Emily.

Dec. 31

Edward,

I am quite sure I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no fewer than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily.

Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their
cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very
amusing.

Emily.

Jan. 2

See here, Edward. This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless hussies cavorting round the green, and its Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (though less and less), kindly
stop this ridiculous behaviour at once!

Emily.

Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.

Emily.

Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan. 5

Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the London Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
J Frost Solicitor.

QUESTION: - How can we make Christmas more inclusive?

2007-12-24T11:36:00.000-08:00

In this season of Goodwill, we must try not to forget all those who are less fortunate than ourselves. In this vein the following "all inclusive" carols are included for those amongst us who may have psychiatric problems.
The list - entitled Christmas Carols for the Mentally Disturbed - describes psychiatric conditions and appropriate songs to suit the illness.
For multiple personality disorder there is We Three Kings Disorientated Are; paranoia is coupled with Santa Claus Is Coming To Town To Get Me; narcissism - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me.

The full list is as follows: -

QUESTION: - How big, is big?

2007-12-23T21:42:00.000-08:00

With thanks to my South African correspondent for the following amazing perspective on the relative size (rather than the size of our relatives) of Earth and our planetary cousins. The first image shows that in a straight fight with either Venus, Mars, Mercury or Pluto, Earth would be a clear winner: -

However, if any of the other planets look as though they may want to join in, the following image shows that it would be wise for Earth to either throw in the figurative "planetary towel", or prepare for one hell of a beating: -

Clearly if our solar system were ever to ask "does my Uranus look big in this? (Apologies for school-boy humour!) The answer would clearly be no! However, before Jupiter starts to get too full of itself, or too big for its "planetary boots", the following image should do the trick: -

But it doesn't end here. As big as our sun is it is only a mere dot when compared with the brightest stars in the sky: -

On this scale our Sun hardly registers, and yet these are only objects within our Solar System. There are many millions of Galaxies beyond ours and so when somebody asks whether "size matters?", it might be worth trying to put their question into some context. Or, if you think that your faced with a "big" problem, how big can it really be?

QUESTION: - Are mothers always right?

2007-12-22T00:08:00.000-08:00

Clearly the answer to this is yes.

Below is a repeat of my blog from 20 December 2006 (Diary of a troubled mind - Part 1) which demonstrates this fact: -

"...Whilst the old brain cells don't seem to function quite as well as they used too, I still seem able to recall events from when I was just a lad!

One such memory is from 1971. For some strange reason I was shopping with my parents in Bridport, Dorset, (if you've ever been to Bridport you'll understand this comment & I'll bet real money that you didn't stop there longer than was necessary to realise your mistake in stopping in the first place!) when we wandered into a Bicycle shop called 'Revolutions'. It was there that I spotted the bike of my dreams - a brand "spanking" new, 'drop-handlebar', 10-speed, racing bike!

If only I could have this bike now, I would stop having to ride the one that I'd had since I was 6 years old, and which by that time (I was now 10) was too small for me to actually pedal, and so was only any use as a small seat on wheels, if, for example, I ever wanted to go down (but not up) a hill fast.

However, the new bike in question was rather expensive, and so I was told that I could have it for Christmas, but that it would need saving up for! Now, I can't recall whether it was me or my parents who needed to save up for it, but at that time I didn't care...because very soon I would be having THAT bike.

Now when I say very soon, it was not actually that soon, as it was only FEBRUARY, and Christmas was still 10 months away!

Anyway, wait I did, and when Christmas eventually arrived I was finally able to unwrap the present that I had waited (as far as I can remember) so patiently for.

After waiting so long for this 10-gear, machine of speed, I couldn't wait to get it out on the road to try it. As I set off my dear old mum, stood on the doorstep and waved me goodbye and with a smile said....

"...If I see you going fast on that bike it'll go straight back to the shop!"

Now the following video will clearly demonstrate the wisdom of her words: -

QUESTION: - Has Jordan moved to Midsomer?

2007-12-21T11:58:00.000-08:00

Today we discovered the sad news that 'Jordan' - that being the erm model and...self publicist Katie Price (rather than the country or F1 motor racing team) has had an accident resulting possibly in two broken legs.

Now, it is known to my nearest and dearest that I am not the greatest fan of the English TV series 'Midsomer Murders', in which nearly every resident- apart from Barnaby the police detective, played by John Nettles - has been murdered at least once in the past 10 years.

Despite the constant string of murders to be solved DCI Barnaby's powers of deduction do not appear to have improved over the years, and unless either a bullet ridden body is found together with a person holding a smoking gun stood over it; or a body with multiple stab wounds is found with the blood stained attacker desperately attempting to retrieve his/her knife from one of several wounds, Barnaby is usually pretty baffled as to whodunit!

And so back to Jordan...and a case that even Barnaby should be able to solve.

The report read: -

"...JORDAN IN HOSPITAL AFTER FALL - Jordan landed herself in hospital after falling down a flight of stairs. The glamour model feared she had broken both legs after the tumble..."

(Excuse my cynicism but I bet her legs are NOT broken!)

Now there are two additional clues for DCI Barnaby: -

The 29-year-old, is waiting for a breast reduction, and therefore may still be a little top heavy, and

Husband Peter Andre, (note he wasn't referred to as husband and singer Peter Andre, presumably for fear of libel) was with her at the time.

So Barnaby, what could possibly have happened?

Picture the scene....a somewhat top heavy model, standing at the top of a flight of stairs, next to publicity-seeking, (allegedly) failed singer & husband - shortly before she topples forward and takes the "quick way down".

What o could possibly have happened?

QUESTION: - Has the Queen ever had any awards bestowed on her?

2007-12-20T17:00:00.000-08:00

In fact yes - today!!

The queen today won an international award...for breathing!!

The Queen has reached a new milestone as she overtook Queen Victoria to become the oldest British monarch.

Her great-great grandmother, who was born on 24 May 1819, lived for 81 years, seven months and 29 days.

At 1700 GMT, the Queen beat the record, which was calculated after taking into account the times of their births and Victoria's death.

But the day was business as usual for the Queen, as there was no special event to mark the occasion.
The monarch, who was born on 21 April 1926, spent the day on her normal duties and had no public engagements or audiences.

The Queen will celebrate 60 years on the throne in 2012, and break Queen Victoria's record as the longest-reigning British monarch on 9 September 2015.

During her reign, the Queen's achievements have already included being the first British monarch to send an e-mail, to have a message put on the moon and to hold a public concert in her back garden.

QUESTION: - Is everybody in the Christmas spirit yet?

2007-12-20T10:58:00.000-08:00

Possibly not! The following article appeared in this evening's London Evening Standard newspaper.

"...A British Airways steward based at Heathrow has been suspended on suspicion of theft after reportedly eating a muffin left on a passenger's meal tray. A BA worker today accused the airline of "acting like a police state". BA confirmed a cabin crew member was suspended but denied the muffin claim. A spokesman said: - "It is half-baked to suggest we are suspending someone over a muffin".

This statement gives rise to a number of further questions: -

Was it the "suggestion" or the "muffin" that was half baked?
If the muffin was half-baked has the chef responsible for the meals also been subjected to disciplinary action?
Is the fact that the steward may have been suspended over a muffin, a humane act in today's society?

It appears as though the steward may have a particular penchant (presumably French for shouting "pen" at the top of your voice?) for muffins, and so to suspend him over a muffin - presumably by a rope - is somewhat barbaric. We complain when Saudi Arabia, behead or stone citizens for minor misdemeanours, but this really takes the biscuit!!

CORRECTION: - BA have advised us that it was not they who "took the biscuit", but that they do have some suspicions with regards to the co-pilot!

QUESTION: - What is Myrrh?

2007-12-19T01:00:00.000-08:00

It is surprising, in the relatively affluent times which preceded the current credit "crunch", "squeeze" or "downturn" (or however one wants to describe the current situation), that good old myrrh wasn't more sought after. Or so I thought.

This view was based on my incorrect assumption that if myrrh was a present given by one of the three kings of the Orient (Ahhh), then it must be valuable.

However, whilst I find this somewhat difficult to say, I was wrong!

It turns out that Myrrh and Frankincense are actually not precious stones or jewels - but herbs!

The modern-day equivalent of the aforementioned biblical event would be akin (OK maybe not "akin" if you're in any way religious -albeit presumably Wills will still be head of the Church of Multi Racial England by the time he is King) to King William & Queen Kate's first born being presented to three of the world's remaining Kings or Presidents.

In this parallel event the first King would no doubt bring a gift of something suitably expensive - e.g. gold, diamonds or a bedsit in Clapham - whereas the other two Kings, having forgotten to buy a present, stop off at the local Tesco Express and buy two pot plants for £4.99!!

QUESTION: - Does Alistair Darling make a complete "Pratchett" of everything?

2007-12-18T09:40:00.000-08:00

The aforementioned - "they" - say that "life" often imitates art, and so it appears to be the case with our dear (that is "dear" as in relation to the strain on the public purse) Alistair "Badger" Darling - the soon to be ex-Chancellor.

In 2007, departments in which he has responsibility for have so far lost two "discs" containing details of 25 million child benefit claimants; and we now learn that personal details of more than 3 million learner drivers have been lost in the latest blunder to Gordon Brown's Government.

If much more data is "Lost" none of us will know who we really are, and will spend the rest of our lives wandering around this strange island trying to find out what really is the truth. Those who have obtained the data, will have the ultimate power - but thankfully, at least it appears as though that should exclude the current government, who seem to know nothing and remember little.

And so, whether the UK turns into a giant "reality" series of"Lost", or whether Darling's period in office is more akin to Terry Pratchett's Discworld is yet to be seen.

Discworld is a comedic fantasy book series by the British author Terry Pratchett set on the Discworld, a flat world balanced on the backs of four elephants which are in turn standing on the back of a giant turtle.

Pratchett has also freely admitted to borrowing ideas from J. R. R. Tolkien and William Shakespeare, as well as myth, folklore and fairy tales, often using them for satirical parallels with current cultural, technological and scientific issues.

Darling has less than freely admitted to borrowing ideas from D. Cameron and George Osborne, as well as creating excuses based on myth, folklore and fairy tales, which have been identified by the press as satirical parallels with current cultural, economic and political issues.

In a sadder twist of the life mirroring art mirroring life (etc etc) theme,Terry Pratchett has very recently been diagnosed as suffering with dementia!!!

QUESTION: - How can we eradicate double standards in modern life?

2007-12-17T10:10:00.000-08:00

Chelsea lost 1-0 to Arsenal at the Emirates on Sunday, with former Gunner Ashley Cole the subject of booing and abusive chanting throughout the game.
But the Blues defender could now be in trouble with the FA after he was seen making a gesture at home fans after the final whistle.

However, it appears as though David Cameron has managed to (allegedly) make a similar gesture to the Labour Party front bench, without anyone taking issue with him...

QUESTION: - How long is the "season of goodwill"?

2007-12-16T09:02:00.000-08:00

Apparently, scientists (don't you just love 'em) have "scientifically proved" that the Christmas bonhomie is unlikely to last much beyond Boxing Day.

Helpfully, they have even created a formula to show when the season of goodwill will break down.

The formula: - ((D x A) + I + J + T)/S

Where: -
D = drift factor, where lack of planning leads to flared tempers;
A = the strain of putting on a diplomatic act;
I = inappropriate or unwanted gifts;
J = the journey undertaken to relatives;
T = the passing of time with another year gone by, and
S = shared tasks such as washing up with the knowledge that guests are not helping much.

What would we do if we weren't able to benefit from the knowledge and insight of such educated luminaries?

How grateful we should be that, when faced with the potential problems that they could be solving - like global warming, or finding a cure for cancer - they have put aside the possibility of international acclaim, by helping you and me identify that by December27th we'll all have had too much of each other and will be filing for divorce in big numbers on January 7th!

Now, whilst I am not a scientist (and in fact the nearest I ever came to a scientific episode was at the age of about 11 when two brother who lived next door to us involved me in an experiment which nearly resulted in their garage being blown up!) I have developed my own "scientific formula".

This is: (J x Y x P x F)/A = V

Where: -

J = number of proper jobs they've managed to hold down for more than 6 months
Y = years NOT spent living with mother
P = the number of parties they have been invited to in their entire life
F = the number of people that would refer to them as a "friend"
A = the number of articles they've had published in scientific journals
V = the value of what they say/write

Given that it is quite difficult for most of these experts to score above zero, any score above 5, possibly puts them in the running for a Nobel prize.

However, if that is their true goal they could always: -

buy a video camera,
fail in their attempt to become President of the United States (which is quite easy to do), and
run around saying "...the world is getting hotter!!!".

QUESTION: - Have the world's leaders ever appeared in pantomime?

2007-12-15T23:58:00.000-08:00

Whilst never actually appearing in pantomime, well at least not at the same time, they have recently put together a short festive dance routine in an attempt to demonstrate greater togetherness.

George W. Bush, Gordon Brown, Vladimir Putin & Angela Merkel - or to put it another way, the world's three most powerful men...and Gordon Brown - got together recently in Lapland, and were put through their festive paces by Len (Seven!) Goodman & Arlene Phillips.

The result can be seen by clicking on the link below - believe me it is worth the wait!!!

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1445926106

QUESTION: - Will the new EU Treaty aide co-operation & communication across Europe?

2007-12-14T11:24:00.000-08:00

Whilst one would certainly hope so, given the fact that Gordon turned up late for the party (and he can't even claim to be "fashionable"), the co-operation of our EU neighbours may be more "virtual" than "reality" as this video demonstrates: -

QUESTION - Can you define irony?- No 2

2007-12-13T08:46:00.000-08:00

The woman known as "the voice of the Tube" on London's underground has been sacked after criticising the network and making spoof announcements including making fun of US tourists, officials said Monday.

Emma Clarke has for the last eight years been famous as the voice warning travellers to "Mind the Gap" between the train and the platform, and to "stand clear of the closing doors."

But the 36-year-old, a professional voice-over artist, annoyed her employers with a series of light-hearted spoof announcements posted on her own website, at

www.emmaclarke.com.

In one she says: "We would like to remind our American tourist friends that you are almost certainly talking too loudly."

In another she announces that the passenger pretending to read a paper but actually staring at a woman's chest should stop, since he was "not fooling anyone, you filthy pervert".

IRONICALLY, Clarke's website had planned to start advertising the latest Apple musical gadget, the iBoob (see below) until she saw the potential criticism that she might face...

QUESTION- Can you define irony?

2007-12-12T08:25:00.000-08:00

Whilst some have described this as "...a bit metallic, like coppery or silvery" the following, (almost 100% true story) is a better example.

A small digital camera developed by Microsoft Research, in Cambridge, U.K., could boost (or should that be could have boosted) memory in people with dementia. The camera takes wide-angle, low-resolution photographs every 30seconds. The photos can be collapsed into a movie that patients can later review to jolt their memory.

Tests had already significantly increased the "recall" of dementia sufferers. Unfortunately, due to the fact the NHS were considering giving away these cameras to known dementia sufferers, they sent the only prototype to HRMC in an attempt to prove that it was a medical aide, rather than a piece of photographic equipment, and thereby qualify for tax-free status and so ensuring that there would be no tax liability for the elderly recipient.

Regretably, the recent forgetfulness (not to mention, although I am just about to, carelessness) of the HRMC was not considered by Microsoft Research. True to form, the prototype camera has been mislaid by HMRC, who have claimed that they can't remember receiving it, or if they did, who they returned it to....if they did.

In fact, having discovered that they have very little ability to recall anything, they have commissioned a research company to see if they can develop a small digital camera that their officer could use to take wide-angle, low-resolution photographs - say every 30 seconds - where the photos could be collapsed into a movie that they could later review to jolt their memory.

Considering that this is such a simple idea, they said that it was surprising that nobody else had thought of it!!!

QUESTION: - Are schools better at teaching Maths than English?

2007-12-10T12:58:00.000-08:00

Recent reports would suggest not, and some children may even be going backwards!

Academics from Manchester University (but what do they know?) said there were "short-term" increases in children's maths skills as they took national tests at the end of primary school but many regressed after the exam. Many a teacher will have witnessed similar regression on a daily basis, with many such children regressing to some primeval being, incapable of social skills let alone mathematical or (understandable) language skills!

The experts claimed that almost one in four 11-year-olds failed to reach the standards expected of them in maths this year, whilst the remaining 65% only just scraped by.

Fifteen-year-olds were ranked 24th in the world in the study by the OECD - below the international average.
Manchester researchers devised independent maths tests to measure the performance of 12,591 pupils aged between five and 14. The experts stated that this 12-year period was critical to the development of the children concerned.

Earlier this year, the Tories compared recent results gained at the age of 11 with those gained at age 14.

They found that almost 150,000 pupils made no progress in science, while 85,000 failed to improve their grades in English and 30,000 in maths. David Cameron allegedly stated that this added up to 2.65 million children who were failing to reach their potential, although he later added that he may have got the decimal point in the wrong place, and that the batteries in the Tory party's calculator may need replacing.

They (whoever they are!) said that the problem was due to the number of mixed ability classes in secondary schools.

The Department for Children, Schools and Families described the study as a "small sample", insisting that "independently audited national tests" taken by 600,000 pupils every year showed clear improvement in the 15 years since record began in1997.

QUESTION: - How safe is Tooting Common?

2007-12-07T11:29:00.000-08:00

As far as I was aware Tooting Common is no more or less dangerous than any other large open space in the centre of London, but I didn't particularly think that it was the scene of frequent murders or serious crimes. But on my way home on the train this evening I overheard two youngish girls (possibly of Essex extraction) eloquently discussing their days activities. Part of the conversation which I overheard, gave me great cause for concern, and went something like this: -

Tracie 1 - "...Where'uv you bin then?"

Tracie 2 -"...To that Tootin' Common thing in London"

Tracie 1 - "...What woz it like?"

Tracie 2 - "...it woz OK, but I fought they woz gonna show uz an old dead body, but they didn't..."

At this point I was considering either phoning the police or social services, until Tracie 2 added: -

"...but the old golden coffins from Egypt were actually well bad (which apparently means good!)"

It wasn't some crime scene on Tooting Common...

...it was the Tutankhamen exhibition at the O2!!

QUESTION: - What is the definition of "canoodling"?

2007-12-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

canoodle -verb
intr
canoodled, canoodling
1. colloq
To hug and kiss; to cuddle

The above definition is the one that, until 1 December 2007, was generally accepted. However, there is now a new definition.

To "canoedle", in the case of the infamous John Darwin, now means: -

"...to head out to sea in a canoe, disappear from sight, go missing
for 5 years, during which time you are declared dead by the Coroner, thereby
allowing your apparently distraught wife to claim on your life insurance and
accept £70k 'death in service' monies from your employer, allowing her to
establish a new life in Panama."

However, this version of canoedling, appears to have been undone when a photo came into the public domain, ironically showing Mr Darwin as not being dead at all, but actually "canoodling" with his wife in her new flat in Panama. His assertion to the police a few days prior to the photo being discovered, was that he had lost his memory and couldn't account for the last 5 years of his life.

Well I think he may find the next 5 years a little easier to account for - inside Her Majesty's prison, following a conviction for fraud!

QUESTION: - How are the LibDem leadership candidates shaping up?

2007-12-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

The recent requirement for yet another leadership election within the Lib Dem party has recently looked more like a whimsical comedy with a penchant for light philosophy and full-on slapstick, and we are left to follow the adventures/misadventures of three erstwhile friends (of varying ages, albeit that their sum total is still less than the party's previous leader) tramping around the Westminster countryside - in the style of "Last of the Summer Wine"

These characters; Chris "Foggy" Huhn, Vince "Compo" Cable and Nick "Clegg" Clegg (repeated for consistency, and in the manner of New York, New York so average I've named him twice!!) wreak havoc, or if not havoc, mild mayhem on those around them.

In one recent episode Compo, made a joke at Gordon “Norah Batty” Brown's expense, quipping that he'd undergone a "remarkable transformation in the last few weeks from Stalin to Mr Bean, creating chaos out of order rather than order out of chaos".

”Batty” Brown’s friends seem to have taken great offence at their friend and leader being likened to the character personified by an award winning comedian, whereas they do NOT appear to have been offended by the reference to him being likened to Stalin.

Now unless my recollection of history has mixed Stalin up with Cliff Richard or Nelson Mandela, I had always thought that Stalin was supposed to be one of the most powerful and murderous dictators in history, and that his regime of terror caused the death and suffering of tens of millions.

Ahhh.....

QUESTION: - Were today's election results in Russia "safe"

2007-12-03T12:29:00.000-08:00

After his success in the Lord of the Rings - President (Golum) Putin's United Russia party won over 70 per cent of the seats in the State Duma. However, observers said the election was characterised by intimidation and numerous violations and the West united to condemn the conduct of the poll.

The Foreign Office called on the Kremlin to investigate electoral regularities while the German government took the unprecedented step of declaring that Russia was "not a democracy".

"These were not free and fair elections, they were not democratic elections," government spokesman Thomas Steg told reporters.

"Russia was no democracy and is no democracy."

Despite the international storm that it is likely to cause, analysts say that there are growing signs Mr Putin could defy the West - who he recently told to keep "its snotty noses" out of Russian affairs - by running for a third term.

However, I believe that the electoral inadequacies of which the West have complained have - as is often the case - an innocent explanation.

The rules within the Russian "polling" stations are somewhat different to in the west.

Rather than completing a ballot form by placing a "X" against their candidate of choice, voters are simply required to place their ballot form in a ballot box of which there is one for each candidate.

As voters enter the polling station, government officials advise them to go into a private room, and to follow the instructions on the first ballot box that they come to.

History dictates that the positioning of the boxes must follow a set convention, with the presiding President's box being the first in line.

With ballot papers in hand, the Russian voters proceed into the room and come to the first box, and follow the instructions on the first box - "Put in".

The rest as they say is history!!

QUESTION: - Is the current economic downturn likely to have consequences for traditional seasonal festivities?

2007-12-02T22:00:00.000-08:00

The following announcement has been made as a result of the recent sub-prime catastrophes in the US and the knock-on consequences for economies across the world.

The recent announcement that Donner and Blittzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business.

Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavourable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse.

Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.

Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of Treasury and high technology stocks appears to be in order;
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EU and the EOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work MPs. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we can hope for an oversupply of unemployed MPs this year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching approvals over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the lawyers' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), the action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.